Swan's Movie Commentaries

[Swan]

Here. Everyone go to 8:35, if you had the intro. The bully just grabbed Melvin.

[Sexy Celebrity]

After Melvin says he's sorry, she screams because he spoke to her.

[Sexy Celebrity]

No, let Funny Face watch. She hasn't seen it.

[Swan]

True.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I am just wondering where our Captain is. He's probably all pissed off now.

[Funny Face]

What am I watching?!? :lol:

[Swan]

He probably never paused. I bet he's still just watching. Like a true sadist.

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm at boobies.

[Swan]

I'm at boobies.

Wrong place, buddy.

[Captain Spaulding]

I hate when chicks pull a switchblade on ya.

[Swan]

Yep, I was right. Cap's still watching.

Pause the damn movie Cap!

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm at Melvin standing by the pool, mop in hand, blonde Julie has her mouth open and she's screaming because he spoke to her.

[Captain Spaulding]

I know I'm ahead, but HULU will make me watch commercials a few times during this viewing, so eventually I'll fall behind. It's better if I've got a little head start.

[Captain Spaulding]

Okay, paused. I didn't realize everyone had stopped.

[Swan]

I'm at the same place as Sexy.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Where are we?!

[Swan]

Best commentary ever. :D

[Sexy Celebrity]

I could kill that Lloyd Kaufman.

[Funny Face]

Kid on the bike...

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm going to the bike.

[Captain Spaulding]

I paused at the part where they'll about to hit the kid on the bike because it's 28 points.

My friends and I play that game, too.

[Sexy Celebrity]

OK, I'm at the bike scene.

[Swan]

I'm at the bike too.

[Sexy Celebrity]

He's just been hit here.

[Captain Spaulding]

Now run him over again! DOUBLE TAP!

[Sexy Celebrity]

He's still alive. They're gonna run over him again.

[Captain Spaulding]

YES!

[Swan]

This scene is so morbid.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm watching the gorier director's cut. I don't know if you guys are.

[Sexy Celebrity]

They're taking pictures of his dead body.

Later, one of those girls is gonna masturbate to them.

[Captain Spaulding]

You're not supposed to take photos. That's evidence.

[Funny Face]

I'm pausing...I'm at the gym

[Captain Spaulding]

MovieGal taught me that.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Can't believe we dragged Miss Vicky's friend into a Toxic Avenger commentary.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm at the gym now. Aerobics scene.

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm now being forced to watch an ad for Realtor.com

[Sexy Celebrity]

Snake in the gym instructor's shirt.

[Swan]

At the gym.

[Sexy Celebrity]

They're dancing like crazy because the instructor's got a snake in his shirt.

[Funny Face]

That is probably what I look like when I take Zumba :(

[Sexy Celebrity]

Bozo is the most stressed out guy who ever lived.

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm behind now because of the damn ads.

[Captain Spaulding]

Just now getting to the shirt snake.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Everyone just watch The Toxic Avenger at their own pace.

[Swan]

Tromaville.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm at the toxic waste canister truck.

[Swan]

Tromaville health club. Kind of an oxymoron, but okay.

[Captain Spaulding]

The guy with the red sweatband reminds me of Corey Feldman.

[Sexy Celebrity]

BTW, Swan, in case you think about it, don't buy the Toxic Avenger II Blu-ray right now. It's been recalled. Wasn't made in 1080.

[Sexy Celebrity]

The guy with the red sweatband reminds me of Corey Feldman.

I see that and thought that, too.

[Funny Face]

Pink makes me so hot...

[Swan]

BTW, Swan, in case you think about it, don't buy the Toxic Avenger II Blu-ray right now. It's been recalled. Wasn't made in 1080.

Noted.

[Swan]

It's hilarious how pathetic Melvin is.

[Captain Spaulding]

If I get quiet, it's probably because I'm playing with myself

[Sexy Celebrity]

Did you know there was once a Toxic Avengers cartoon show on network television (Saturday mornings in the early 90's)?

Toxic Crusaders.

I had a toy from it back then and used to see it on TV.

[Captain Spaulding]

I dated that goat once. Best sex I ever had.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Oh God. He's in a bathtub.......

[Captain Spaulding]

I love the cocaine all over the dude's faces.

[Funny Face]

I dated that goat once. Best sex I ever had.
Are you a top or bottom?

[Sexy Celebrity]

I think the rest of us are at Melvin's transformation in the bathroom.

[Sexy Celebrity]

They have times for when you're not allowed to piss.

[Sexy Celebrity]

People, say something. This is a commentary.

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm being forced to watch more ads again. It's been a long time since I've watched anything on Hulu. I remember the ads being like thirty seconds or less. These are like 90 seconds.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I guess we should have done a Tarantino.

[Swan]

This movie is secretly an intellectual metaphor for puberty.

[Sexy Celebrity]

This movie is secretly an intellectual metaphor for puberty.

It really is.

[Swan]

Are you a top or bottom?

He acts like a top on the forum, but in real life he's totally Sexy's bitch.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I have trouble believing that drag queen criminal would really care to see that cop get his dick blown off.

[Captain Spaulding]

I have a picture of my mom hanging by the bathtub, too!

[Funny Face]

This movie is terrible...and I've seen the Human Centipede :lol:

[Swan]

It's true campy goodness. :)

[Sexy Celebrity]

This movie stunned me when I did a commentary for it with Gunslinger45 because it was the first time I watched the Director's Cut, which is just... insane with the gore.

[Captain Spaulding]

It's terrible in a good way, though.

One of the prime examples of "so bad, it's good."

[Sexy Celebrity]

I first saw this as a little kid in the '80s, before I even started school. I had it on VHS.

[Funny Face]

Clearly! I'm still watching!

[Sexy Celebrity]

I ordered Toxic Avenger II when it premiered on '80s Pay-Per-View.

[Sexy Celebrity]

But I never saw the third one until years later on USA Up All Night. Parts 2 and 3 were made back-to-back.

[Swan]

Have you ever met my mother-in-law? Now that's gruesome!

[Sexy Celebrity]

This fat mayor is dead now.

[Sexy Celebrity]

OK, the woman's going to the sauna to look at the pictures of the dead kid.

[Captain Spaulding]

I've seen the second and third one. They're just so bad, they're bad.

[Captain Spaulding]

By the way, I own The Human Centipede, so I would totally do a commentary for that.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Melvin's gonna scare his mother at the front door.

[Funny Face]

Just got into the sauna

[Sexy Celebrity]

I've never seen The Human Centipede. I have no interest.

[Sexy Celebrity]

There's going to be another sauna scene with the pictures. Where Toxie actually kills her.

[Swan]

I've never seen The Human Centipede. I have no interest.

It doesn't live up to the premise, in my opinion.

[Funny Face]

You should, just once!

[Sexy Celebrity]

Right now I'm at him building a home for himself.

[Swan]

Come on. Where's the blind girl? I like the blind girl.

[Funny Face]

I heard the second was better.

[Sexy Celebrity]

The blind woman first appears at the taco restaurant. It's coming up. Funny Face may not like it. An animal gets killed.

[Captain Spaulding]

Elephant Man reference. I didn't get that the first time I watched this.

[Sexy Celebrity]

OK, I'm at the Mexican restaurant. The blind woman.... with her seeing eye dog.

[Swan]

MEANWHILE

[Funny Face]

:( I'm not there yet...

[Captain Spaulding]

I would watch the ***** out of a home decorating show hosted by Toxie.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I appear to be ahead of everyone.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Tell me when the criminals bust into the restaurant.

[Swan]

They busted in shortly ago.

[Funny Face]

Just introduced Leroy

[Sexy Celebrity]

OK, then I'm unpaused.

[Captain Spaulding]

I busted a nut, does that count?

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm at the part in the movie where there's a Jack in the Box commercial. :(

[Gatsby]

Back from running errands. Hows the commentary going? Is Funny Face doing well, it's her first commentary isn't it?

[Sexy Celebrity]

The dog just got shot and killed.

[Funny Face]

Awww poor dog! :bawling:

[Swan]

Back from running errands. Hows the commentary going? Is Funny Face doing well, it's her first commentary isn't it?

We keep pausing and unpausing. :laugh:

[Sexy Celebrity]

Awww poor dog! :bawling:

I know. It's fine if the people die, but don't kill the dog.

[Captain Spaulding]

If this was a Chinese restaurant, they could just throw that dead dog on the grill.

[Funny Face]

I know. It's fine if the people die, but don't kill the dog.

Yup!

[Sexy Celebrity]

This just reminded me that I ate tacos earlier.

[Swan]

I know. It's fine if the people die, but don't kill the dog.

Also, don't kill the blind girl, or I'll cry.

[Captain Spaulding]

Slather it in sesame sauce and woof it down!

[Sexy Celebrity]

If this was a Chinese restaurant, they could just throw that dead dog on the grill.

:rotfl:

You definitely deserve a "Funniest MoFo" award next year for that.

[Sexy Celebrity]

OK, the guy's getting turned into an ice cream sundae.

[Funny Face]

Is this a good time to mention that I'm half Chinese? :lol:

[Captain Spaulding]

Nun-chucks!

[Sexy Celebrity]

Is this a good time to mention that I'm half Chinese? :lol:

This whole forum is.

[Gatsby]

If this was a Chinese restaurant, they could just throw that dead dog on the grill.
This is actually extremely racist. -1

[Swan]

Toxic Avenger's voice cut off. :laugh:

[Sexy Celebrity]

See, this is an extremely violent movie, but unlike House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, it's not as serious.

Shot of that gory, "dead" dog, which is obviously panting very hard.

[Funny Face]

Shot of that gory, "dead" dog, which is obviously panting very hard.
Seeing that made me feel better!

[Captain Spaulding]

There's a lot of creativity involved with many of the kills in this movie.

I had forgotten all about the relationship with the blind girl, but it's coming back to me now.

[Sexy Celebrity]

If that actually was a Chinese restaurant in this movie, they would have put that dog on the grill. This is a Troma movie, afterall.

[Swan]

That whole scene was so great.

[Funny Face]

She's reading his palm... :facepalm:

[Sexy Celebrity]

I love this movie. I don't watch it much anymore, but it's fabulous.

[Swan]

She's reading his palm... :facepalm:

Don't let MovieGal see you saying that.

[Sexy Celebrity]

The 4th one is pretty good, too. It reminds me of this one, I think, more than parts 2 and 3.

[Captain Spaulding]

The scene that has stuck with me the most -- and I'm not sure if it's in this movie or one of the sequels -- is when Toxic Avenger is sitting on the crapper with his pants still on.

[Funny Face]

Some scenes are really similar to Blood Diner.

[Funny Face]

Back at the sauna

[Sexy Celebrity]

The scene that has stuck with me the most -- and I'm not sure if it's in this movie or one of the sequels -- is when Toxic Avenger is sitting on the crapper with his pants still on.

That's in Toxic Avenger II.

I think. Pretty sure. It might be III, but I think it's II. It's definitely not this one.

[Sexy Celebrity]

There she goes. Masturbating to the pictures in the sauna.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Her sauna death was very boring.

[Funny Face]

The hot rocks scene has been my favorite so far.

[Captain Spaulding]

At least he's considerate enough to mop up after he splatters someone's brains.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Why did Toxie get in the limo with the 12 year old prostitute??

[Sexy Celebrity]

Why not pick up the old lady and carry her across the street?

[Captain Spaulding]

Only twelve years old and only twelve dollars?

I know a deal when I see one!

[Captain Spaulding]

Why did Toxie get in the limo with the 12 year old prostitute??

He's taking her to see David Bowie.

[Swan]

Captain, you seem to become even more perverted and vile after midnight.

[Sexy Celebrity]

He's taking her to see David Bowie.

Oh, okay.

[Captain Spaulding]

It's refreshing to see a movie that's so blatantly politically incorrect.

[Captain Spaulding]

Captain, you seem to become even more perverted and vile after midnight.

These commentaries bring out the best in me.

[Funny Face]

Why, Melvin, you're beautiful...

[Sexy Celebrity]

It's actually a very sweet movie. It just happens to be on crack.

[Sexy Celebrity]

What's crazy is when I was a kid, I thought this movie was just a normal movie.

[Captain Spaulding]

Damn it. More commercials.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I can't remember exactly how this Julie dies.

[Sexy Celebrity]

There's rats for Miss Vicky.

[Gatsby]

These commentaries bring out the best in me.
You're addicted by now aren't you? Same for me. :D

[Captain Spaulding]

They're dry humping.

[Swan]

Punching old ladies.

[Captain Spaulding]

I just want to know what his penis looks like. Does it have boils on it or is it the one part of him that looks perfectly normal.

[Swan]

I just want to know what his penis looks like. Does it have boils on it or is it the one part of him that looks perfectly normal.

Boiled for her pleasure.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm sure his penis is toxic.

[Captain Spaulding]

How young were you when you first watched this movie, SC?

[Captain Spaulding]

I'm just now getting to the rats you mentioned a long time ago. I'm further behind than I thought.

[Swan]

Car blows up?

Toxic Avenger don't give a f*ck!

[Captain Spaulding]

He has scissors! Maybe he's gonna cut her hair?

[Sexy Celebrity]

How young were you when you first watched this movie, SC?

Four or five years old, I'm guessing. I started young on this stuff.

[Funny Face]

Car crash? Shake it off!

[Captain Spaulding]

Movies never have the balls to show violence against children or the elderly. This movie shows both. :up:

[Funny Face]

Spin cycle :rotfl:

[Sexy Celebrity]

But she's not actually an innocent woman.

[Swan]

Movies never have the balls to show violence against children or the elderly. This movie shows both. :up:

You should watch Don't Torture a Duckling.

[Swan]

Blind girl is so sweet.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Toxie's a player. In the sequels, he's got a new, blonde floozie girlfriend named Claire, and she's blind, too.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm yawning.

[Captain Spaulding]

I was hoping after the BP oil spill a few years ago that a real life Toxic Avenger would emerge.

[Captain Spaulding]

I want to high five whoever was in charge of the blind girl's wardrobe.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Nobody else seems to be awake.

[Swan]

I want to high five whoever was in charge of the blind girl's wardrobe.

Yep.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I want to high five whoever was in charge of the blind girl's wardrobe.

That cop that looked like George Michael who got excited over her reminded me of you.

[Swan]

Coming to the last scene.

[Captain Spaulding]

So after this are we going to do a commentary for something lighthearted like I Spit on Your Grave?

[Captain Spaulding]

Random Nazi salute!

[Sexy Celebrity]

Why does Melvin's mother always wear the same damn outfit?

[Swan]

Why does Melvin's mother always wear the same damn outfit?

Because who cares about her.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Because who cares about her.

I'm worried that she's bored with her limited wardrobe.

[Captain Spaulding]

I thought this mayor guy looked familiar. Then I remembered:

http://leakynews.s3.amazonaws.com/pub/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/stay_puft_marshmallow_man.jpg

[Swan]

I like the trope of: pulling guts out of person, that person attempting to put guts back in.

[Sexy Celebrity]

In the R rated version to this, you don't see the mayor's guts come out. It just looks like Toxie punched him in the stomach. Not killed him.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Well, it's over. For me, anyway.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I'm giving that a full 5.

[Funny Face]

Last 10 minutes could have been more exciting.

[Swan]

I give it a 4. Plenty of campy fun to be found with the film. Wish I saw it when I was a kid, too, because I feel like I'd love it even more.

[Swan]

Thanks for doing the commentary bros and brosette!

[Sexy Celebrity]

I give it a rating_4. Plenty of campy fun to be found with the film. Wish I saw it when I was a kid, too, because I feel like I'd love it even more.

I don't know if it'll make you love it even more... it just feels really... deeply... old and familiar to me.

[Funny Face]

3

My favorite campy trash movie is Blood Diner.

[Captain Spaulding]

I need to own this movie.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Although, it almost seems new just because I've only seen this uncut version twice.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I need to own this movie.

Well, it's available, I think.

They even released it on Blu-ray last year and Part II JUST came out that way.

[Swan]

I own it, in it's green case and everything.

[Sexy Celebrity]

I still have the DVD. I wasn't ready to buy the Blu-ray, but I think I am now.

[Captain Spaulding]

It depends on the price.

I've already spent $12 tonight.

[Sexy Celebrity]

It depends on the price.

I've already spent $12 tonight.

Mmm... I wonder if the others will get the reference.

[Sexy Celebrity]

Well, thanks guys, for doing that. It was a troublesome commentary, but a memorable one for me.

[Funny Face]

Well thanks for letting me join in on my first commentary! Still getting the hang of it, but it was fun :). Maybe next time I'll try to catch something I've already seen so I'm less distracted. Now, time for bed! Sweet dreams!

[rauldc14]

Funny, I thought about watching this yesterday.

[Swan]

Raul, we need to do a commentary soon buddy.

[MovieMeditation]

I also feel in commentary mood lately, just it me up whenever you figure something out! I'm up for most things.

[Swan]

I also feel in commentary mood lately, just it me up whenever you figure something out! I'm up for most things.

Sure. I'm always in a commentary mood, so you can message me or whatever to if I'm on, and I'll let you know if I'm available. :)

[rauldc14]

If I can't do one today (not sure yet) next weekend for sure.

[Swan]

DEATH PROOF

http://i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn187/bdfolsom/MV5BMTUwMDQxNjIxM15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzg5MzkwNA._V1_SX640_SY720__zpsasdc0xac.jpg

With MovieMeditation!

[Swan]

Anyone else who wants to join, feel free! We have a little time.

[honeykid]

Should be good. I'll read it tomorrow. :up:

[Swan]

MovieMeds, I'm ready whenever you are. :)

[MovieMeditation]

Alright, I'm almost ready Swan, just a few more short minutes...

[Swan]

Just rocking out to Chick Habit on the main menu. :cool:

[MovieMeditation]

How long is the version you got?

[Swan]

1:56.

Is that okay?

[MovieMeditation]

Yeah, I just gotta get the same version. Hold up.

[Swan]

Okay.

[MovieMeditation]

My version is around 1:50, don't you think that'll work fine?

[Swan]

Yeah, that should be fine I think.

[MovieMeditation]

You say the words!

[Swan]

Play!

[MovieMeditation]

playing

[Swan]

Grindhouse logo. :cool:

[MovieMeditation]

What a gritty ass print I got myself here :p

[Swan]

I love these old school logos and stuff.

[Swan]

And as usual for a Tarantino movie, we kick off with awesome music. And feet.

[MovieMeditation]

Aw yeah, they're awesome down to every last detail!

[MovieMeditation]

This must be his longest shot of feet, right?

[Swan]

That poster over her reminds me of one of my favorite Adele pics.

http://www.designscene.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Adele-Exarchopoulos-Eric-Guillemain-02.jpg

[MovieMeditation]

You are not in doubt what kind of movies QT wanna make and pay homage to, already here during the opening credits!

[MovieMeditation]

We'll obviously rate the film in the end, but overall, how is your relationship with this film Swan?

[Swan]

I kind of wish the whole movie like this, I still don't know why Tarantino switched to more crystal clarity in the second half.

[MovieMeditation]

I kind of wish the whole movie like this, I still don't know why Tarantino switched to more crystal clarity in the second half.
I kind of forgot that. That is a shame indeed.

[Swan]

We'll obviously rate the film in the end, but overall, how is your relationship with this film Swan?

I've always liked it, but I used to much prefer the second half to the first half. I think that's mainly because the chicks are more enjoyable in the second half. However, I think now I like them equally - they have different things going for them, different pros and cons. I think the exploitation homage style of the first half is better than the more tradition crystal clarity of the second half, for example. I haven't seen it in a lot time though, so I'm very glad to be checking it out again.

How about you?

[Swan]

I think this is the best of the "grindhouse homage" films, maybe, because Tarantino really knows his grindhouse cinema, so the style is emulated very well.

[MovieMeditation]

I feel the same way as you actually, in relation to the two half's, but it isn't all that long ago since I watched it and despite I agree the exploitation cinema homage in the first half is great and all, it still feels kind of like Tarantino on autopilot. Especially in terms of dialogue and such, though it's still clearly him and his style. But yeah, the second half is awesome! Though I have come to love or at least like the first half a lot, it is the second half that makes it all worth it! :D

[Swan]

Black girl says "black girls ass" like a redneck. :D

[MovieMeditation]

Black girl says "black girls ass" like a redneck. :D
Sounds even weirder when reading it out like that! haah

[Swan]

I feel the same way as you actually, in relation to the two half's, but it isn't all that long ago since I watched it and despite I agree the exploitation cinema homage in the first half is great and all, it still feels kind of like Tarantino on autopilot. Especially in terms of dialogue and such, though it's still clearly him and his style. But yeah, the second half is awesome! Though I have come to love or at least like the first half a lot, it is the second half that makes it all worth it! :D

Understandable critique, I don't think your wrong. I just really like the style of the first half, which ultimately make it about as worthwhile as the second half for me. I honestly think, though, the car chase is the highlight of the film. That's what makes it all worthwhile for me.

[Swan]

Creepy stalker shot.

[MovieMeditation]

Exactly! And since you like exploitation cinema to greater extent than me, that could be why the first half works even better for you. But as I said, I like it a lot, I used to hate it but if you let yourself disappear into the period QT tries to recreate, it's great fun!

[Swan]

Wild hair flipping. That's great.

[Swan]

I forgot Eli Roth is in this.

[MovieMeditation]

sudden change of music! aaawww sweet

[Swan]

sudden change of music! aaawww sweet

Text messaging can be so dramatic sometimes.

[Swan]

Just remember, it's Shana banana not Shauna banauna.

[MovieMeditation]

AAAAND THE MAN HIMSELF!

[MovieMeditation]

How to plan a make-out session, step 1.

[Swan]

Tarantino is great. If we're talking about relationship with Tarantino's work in general, I'm a big fan. He could easy make my top ten directors. I have gone through quite a few phases where I obsessed over his history and his work. Same goes for PTA. The reason I don't talk about them much is because I always saw them more as peers than mentor-types (to a fault perhaps) and maybe because everyone else does the talking for me. Nonetheless, I love Tarantino. I don't know if you've read my thoughts on style, MovieMeds, but I freaking love style. I'm a big style guy. So obviously I'm going to like Tarantino.

[MovieMeditation]

I love all the small details and fun references to grindhouse cinema. As you said, Tarantino knows better than anybody how to make a movie like this!

I wish he would do it again some time...

[Swan]

I love all the small details and fun references to grindhouse cinema. As you said, Tarantino knows better than anybody how to make a movie like this!

I wish he would do it again some time...

Yeah, I would love to see Grindhouse 2.