I take it back: you're going to
love the final cut of
Blade Runner. They've finally fixed it to make it suitable to sixteen-year-old dipsh!ts. Yes, you're right in thinking it was far too dark - thematically and visually. Thanks to computers the cinematography has now been "lightened" so you can see what's going on! Also, Harrison Ford's dour character has been given an uppity partner: an animated, anthropomorphized tortoise named Buzzy (voiced by Bruce Willis) - kinda like
Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but better. And not just any talking cartoon tortoise, of course, but one that carries a flame thrower and chomps on a cigar. The opening scene between Leon and Holden now alludes to this ass-kickin' turtle with an attitude (and their improved exchange about Leon's mother, where Holden snaps a "Yo Momma's so fat, her clothes have stretch marks" on him makes the subsequent cap in his ass more understandable). Some of Buzzy's one-liners like "Sorry, Pal, no gold watch with
this retirement" and "I'm a talkin' turtle and now you're telling me you've seen things
I wouldn't believe?!?" not only make you laugh but also make you cheer!
So it's visually brighter and there's a wise-cracking cartoon turtle, which already goes a very long way to making
Blade Runner watchable. But it needed a
lot more work, which thankfully Ridley Scott, who teamed up with an uncredited but very welcome Joel Schumacher, was able to finally do. The new score by Jay-Z and six awesome songs by Justin Timberlake make every scene a party. But the best change, by far, are the additional Replicants played by Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith. No, they aren't just doing their Jay and Silent Bob schtick: that would be stupid. It's more like Jay and Chatty Bob. Oh, and Sean Young has been digitally replaced by Jessica Alba as Rachel - so very, very hot!
All in all,
Blade Runner The Final Cut: Electric Boogaloo is the fast-paced, funny, action-filled crowd pleaser it always had the potential to be but was too bogged down in thought, style and artistry.
Don't just walk to WAL-MART on December 18th to get your copy, dickwad, fu*kin' RUN.