"Unarmed but Dangerous" -
(for the head in a bucket joke)
Originally called...wait for it...
"Kung Fu Flid" (it stars Mat Fraser, born with stunted arms after his Mother was one of those given Thalidomide in the 60's) this British Gangster/Martial Arts flick certainly has a great central idea and shows a welcome relish to wallow in the bizarre and outrageous.
But....
There is nothing else here remotely welcome or worth relishing. It's truly awful.
Shot on a video it looks ugly and cheap and this lack of technical shine is not only visual either as every aspect of the film is technically awful.
From the sound, the acting, the script, the editing and the laughable action all is so bad the film often becomes a genuine chore to sit through.
Despite the original title Martial Arts (Flid-Fu or not) is only a tiny part of the film and is staged, filmed and performed with all the effectiveness of a bucket with holes at both ends.
Fraser might be able to kick his legs up and do a bit of (very) close quarters fist pummeling but his blows never carry any power or force and the camera spends most of time trying to cover up (and often failing to do so) the fact that most punches and kicks never actually connect.
Nothing here is done well in fact, guns fire with almost no noise, people slump off camera when shot to save money on actually doing anything to imply a bullet hit and even when the violence is effective and genuinely bloody (and I mean bloody!) the actors are so awful (and the director so blind and deaf it seems) at portraying the realistic effects of such violence that even the few technical things that are okay are ruined.
When Fraser's Wife is shot, twice to the chest, she not only moves around as if nothing has happened but then holds a shouting conversation with such vigor and energy that you'd think she was just received a vitamin shot, not a gun shot.
The Gangster characters are all the same old cliche geezers we have come to love or loathe (me, I loves 'em) but the appalling screenplay shows just how bad and annoying such characters can be when not handled carefully at the script stage and by a director who can guide the actors during the often essential broad performances that come with essaying such characters.
Fraser is okay as an actor and
"Lock Stock" bad guy Frank Harper as the gangster boss is fun (if outrageously hammy) and delivers the better dialogue moments well.
But everyone else is dire and too often mugs for the camera.
The screenplay is messy, rushed and badly plotted as it bogs us down in really bad dialogue sequences and 'crazy' characters that actually show just how damn good Guy Ritchie and Quentin Tarantino are at delivering these aspects.
The basic formula is that poor characters, played by poor actors, deliver poor lines before each of these poor set-pieces ends in a brief burst of poorly staged action...and repeat.
The film is also unsure on what it actually is. The taglines, title and basic plot make the film look like a Martial Arts revenge film with an unusual setting, but most of the film is a a time hopping crime/gangster film that suddenly turns into
"Hostel" during numerous nasty torture sequences.
One such sequence involves a Scottish psychopathic serial killer (with really false looking tattoos that loo like paint) who suddenly takes over the film with much overacting as he tortures Fraser's Wife and friend in a blood spattered room full of sharp objects and power tools dripping gore.
This extended sequence then cuts back and forth to Fraser taking a taxi, driven by a mad Jesus preaching driver who gets lost, in cinema's least energetic and exciting rescue plan.
The mad Scot is then, after all this build-up and screentime, simply dispatched by a punch in the nose by the Wife whose two bleeding bullet holes STILL don't seem to exist outside of a visual make-up effect.
The finale is an utter mess as well and is nothing but a ranting, swearing chaotic stew of bad acting, silly plot mechanics and the worst Kung Fu yet seen.
Now I love my British Gangster films, and I love my mockney/Cockney geezers (yeah...I admit it!), I love it when everyone shouts and call each other c*nts, and I love a bit of blood and nastiness, and I love the idea of a whacked-out Kung Fu set-up...and I had all that in "Unarmed but Dangerous"....and yet I still ended up hating the film.
Avoid!!