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I found this on another site, it's hillarious
Women - Please Take Note !!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - well now hear the
men's side.
* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you
leaving it down.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
* Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Sunday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* A headache that lasts for 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Check your oil ! Please.
* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you won't dress like an underwear model, don't expect us to act
like soap opera men.
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done... not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
adverts.
* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
* ALL men see in only 6 colours, like Windows' default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as the offside rule, LBW and sports cars.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)
* It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
Together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
* BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
* Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
* I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
Women - Please Take Note !!!!
We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - well now hear the
men's side.
* Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us *****ing about you
leaving it down.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
* Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
* Sunday = sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
* When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
* We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
* Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
* Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
* A headache that lasts for 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Check your oil ! Please.
* Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
* If you won't dress like an underwear model, don't expect us to act
like soap opera men.
* If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
* You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done... not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
adverts.
* Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
* The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
* ALL men see in only 6 colours, like Windows' default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
* We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
* If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
* Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as the offside rule, LBW and sports cars.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)
* It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
Together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
* BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
* Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the sofa
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
* I AM in shape. - ROUND is a shape.
__________________
Ride Johnny ride
Ride Johnny ride
I've seen that dozens of times. It's still somewhat funny, though. 
)
i try oh how i try but my dad being the heavy drinker he was must have given me some immunity and i have to much control over my mind (dam it) I WANT TO GET DRUNK! (how often do you hear that?)