Hotseat! Grill a MoFo: Tacitus

What was your favorite song to sing with your band?

Crikey, that's going back a bit. We used to do a mean rendition of Papa Won't Leave You, Henry by Nick Cave and if we ever were allowed to force an encore upon the unsuspecting punters we'd always have a rare old time doing Temple Of Love by The Sisters of Mercy.

I'll tell you the best feeling that I've ever had singing a song though. It was late one night at a friend's (most of them were musicians but one, I believe, was a teacher - it was his house) house and there were 6 or 7 of us sitting around strumming guitars, tapping the carpet etc. Gradually the strumming became a recognisable noise and the recognisable noise slowly turned into The Beatles' You've Got To Hide Your Love Away. It went on for what seemed like an hour and was one of those magical moments that still makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

It's hard to describe.

What one tangible item have you lost that you'd most like to find again?

By 'tangible' you mean 'not something like your Mojo', right?

That's a hard question to answer because I'm guided by my feelings and my instincts. My hair! That's it!

I'd rather not be a baldy!

What do you see when you turn out the lights?

Apart from Mira Sorvino and a tub of chocolate sauce?

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"Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how the Tatty 100 is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves." - Brendan Behan

What would you change about yourself if you could?

I'd like to be able to get through a day without pain. Not very humorous, I know, but the truth.

I have only ONE question: why the name - Tacitus?

I'm a writer, you see.



Seriously, though, I had the dubious benefit of a classical education and was introduced to the writings of Tacitus when I was a teenager. For those of you who don't know who he is, think of a salacious Dorothy Parker type of gossip column writer.

In Ancient Rome.

Suetonius was probably more of a scandal-monger but the name was even more poncy. I try not to be poncy but sometimes it just slips out.

Would you say you are 'experienced'?

In what? I'm a father so I'm experienced in that way (at least twice, anyway). I'm a divorcee so I'm experienced in having no money.

In terms of life itself I'd say no more than average for someone my age. I'm sticking to that story anyway...

Ok, I need to be somewhere so this is the last lot for now.

1. What is your favorite word?

Probably 'arse', as in "Yer arse!"

1. What is your least favorite word?

Definitely 'retard'. I dunno, maybe I shouldn't get so precious but I spent quite a bit of time working with adults with learning difficulties and that word makes my hands clench into fists.

1. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

I don't think I can adequately answer that. Looking round at the pictures on my walls, the music in my collection, my curtains, the books on my shelf etc, I can't see a common strand other than my big head has decided that they're 'good' and they make me feel 'good'.

1. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Dogma.

1. What sound or noise do you love?

It's come to the time of year when, outside my house at around 7 in the evening, the birds start to sing. When there's nothing permeating the stillness (apart from some arsewit up the road driving his Subaru Impreza in 2nd gear) and some dove, sparrow or whatever starts a gentle warble then peace descends on this little mind of mine. If only for a few minutes, it's quite glorious.

1. What sound or noise do you hate?

Traffic. Living where I do you'd understand, and realise just how precious birdsong is.

1. What is your favorite curse word?

'F*ckwit'

1. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I'd love to have been a journalist. My best friend from school is one, and quite a good one, and I've always been slightly envious of him. A professional bra-fitter also appeals...

I don't know anyone from school lucky enough to have been awarded that particular gig.

1. What profession would you not like to do?

Call centre work. In my early days in the motor trade I had to do a little cold-calling and, let me tell you, there's nothing as soul destroying. I can't imagine having to do it for a living.

1. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

"You're late!"

If you could kick any Irishman, living or dead, up th'arse, who would it be and when?

(I've gotta go for Pat Kenny during the Toy Show)

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And lo the whispering wanderer weeps
what whit to whom did my life keep?

Would you say you are an uptight person or laid back?

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“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton

OK, Paddy Tatty, now that you're up and running in here, I'd better get some grilling going. Remember that I'm still a relative newcomer, so some of these may be common knowledge, but please enlighten me.

-Describe the circumstances, in detail (try to keep it clean, if appropriate), where you knew you were totally gaga over Mira Sorvino.
-What is the most memorable concert you've attended and also the most memorable one you've participated in? Why?
-What is up with all your pain? What happened that I don't know about?
-What is your most-prized possession?
-If you could direct a new western, who would you cast and who would you hire as a crew? Which writer would you like to work with? What would it be about? You can pick people living or dead (it's that kinda movie ).
-You've talked about working in the automobile business (I've taken that to mean that you were involved in selling cars), but what was your actual job, and how is that experience beneficial when buying a new car? What's the skinny about your new car?
-Where else have you lived besides Ireland? When and for how long? How do you compare the different countries?
-What is your experience with the United States, as far as visiting here and/or having relations here (Note: that isn't another Mira Sorvino question.) What do you really think of the country and its people?

That's a start.

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

I like your taste in music ... do you have much of a vinyl collection?
What are your prized albums, bootlegs, recordings in your collection?
What instrument(s) do you play?
What was your band's name?

If you could time travel, where would you go and why?

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If you could kick any Irishman, living or dead, up th'arse, who would it be and when?

(I've gotta go for Pat Kenny during the Toy Show)

Pat Kenny is a good choice. A man who manages to be insincere and wooden at the same time deserves it. However, my RTÉ reception of pretty tragic up here in the frozen North so I'm not gonna pick him. Or Gerry Ryan.

I'd actually kick Catriona Ruane, our Education Secretary, up the arse. I don't have a problem with her base political views but she's absolutely terrible at her job and takes the politicians 'never give a straight answer' maxim to a whole new level. She's had a full year to decide on what to do with post-Primary selection and is still waffling about stakeholders and educationalists, promising to make an announcement 'soon'. Teachers and parents across the country are sick and tired of it.

There, that was a nice sensible answer, eh?

Would you say you are an uptight person or laid back?

Good question. People who know me casually reckon me to be really laid back but those who know me better know that I'm actually a bit of a worrier. I'm not as bad as my dear old granny though - my grandad once remarked that she'd "worry about the ducks going barefoot."

-Describe the circumstances, in detail (try to keep it clean, if appropriate), where you knew you were totally gaga over Mira Sorvino.

Probably once I found out that she was fluent in (I think) Cantonese. Unusual, I thought, and smart.

-What is the most memorable concert you've attended and also the most memorable one you've participated in? Why?

The first one's easy and is aided visually by me recently finding a bunch of old tickets in an envelope. My scanner's beyond repair so here's a photo:



If I was a name-dropping sort I'd recall the times we played on the same bill as the likes of Morrissey and other 90s Indie-merchants but one I'll always remember was at Wigan Pier. We blew the headliners off stage that night, and the headliners went on to have Top 10 singles and platinum selling albums. They also became good friends.

It was after we'd switched the drummer to rhythm guitar and brought in Greg, a mate who'd been playing in another pub band, in his place. As a 5 piece we were great - much more of a racket going on to hide our schoolboy errors...

What is up with all your pain? What happened that I don't know about?

I've got a chronic back condition and can barely walk some days/don't cope too badly on others. It's degenerative so there's one decent thing to look forward too in the years ahead - a chair with wheels! Vroom Vroom!

What is your most-prized possession?

I really had to think about that one because I've always been an 'easy come, easy go' kinda bloke. I've got an old pocket watch which has been passed down through a number of generations. It's silver though probably not worth a great deal (sits in a box and isn't on display, it really wouldn't go well with the tat on my shelves) but it was a "One day, son, you'll have this watch" moment.

Thankfully, the above conversation didn't take the same course as the similar one in Pulp Fiction.

I'll answer everything later, folks. Duty calls!

If you could direct a new western, who would you cast and who would you hire as a crew? Which writer would you like to work with? What would it be about? You can pick people living or dead (it's that kinda movie ).

The crew would be easy - Malpaso, en masse.

Since I want to make it an Irish Western (The Quiet Man, for all it's great moments, is far too much of an exercise in diddle-dee-aye bollocks) the usual suspects would be involved in the cast:

Big Neeson (who looks like he's walked out of a John Ford movie, anyway), Jimmy Nesbitt, Brendan Gleeson, Jimmy Ellis, Colm Meaney, Michael Gambon, Gab Byrne, Ken Branagh, Omagh's Own Sam Neill (as he's called here) etc. The age of these guys lends itself to a Wild Bunch style of picture.

The Wild Bunch set in South Armagh, I can see it now! That part of the world is not called 'Bandit country' for nothing, y'know, just as certain people here in The North refer to residents of The Irish Republic as 'Mexicans' ('cos they live South of the Border...natch).

In terms of dead actors (and limiting it, as I have, to those of the Paddy persuasion), Michaél MacLiammóir would be there. Josef Locke would sing the theme song (Bono and David Holmes can bugger off - Percy French would write it!) and the whole thing would be scripted by either Brian Friel or Bernard MacLaverty.

It'd be a sure fire hit if it wasn't for the talentless hack directing!

I'd love to hear your choices, by the way.

You've talked about working in the automobile business (I've taken that to mean that you were involved in selling cars), but what was your actual job, and how is that experience beneficial when buying a new car? What's the skinny about your new car?

I was a car salesman for more than a decade, if I tot all the time up. I started out as an apprentice in a local garage but left the trade to fruitlessly further my eddycation. Once I'd figured that there was only one thing I actually liked doing I joined one of those massive Car Supermarket places and then quickly moved to Land Rover after I'd re-trained myself. I went to Ford as a sales manager a few years later and when we moved back to Ireland in '02 it was with the intention of me starting up my own auto-trading business - buying and selling cars to and from The Trade.

Funds weren't altogether in place when we got here (ie, the house cost a lot more than we thought) so I took a sales manager's post with Chrysler Jeep locally for a while.

Now, I used to be able to get great deals on new cars for friends and family (I even sold one to a guy I knew only from the internet, and shipped it to England, saving him £1000s) purely because of who I knew. I've been out of The Trade for a time, the favours have nearly all been called in and I'm back to being a normal punter again.

I suspect that the new motor will be a tad dull - I met one on the road yesterday and gently sighed to myself. It wasn't a sigh of contentment, either.

Still, I barely do any miles these days (the current motor has 18k in almost 3 years and 2/3 of those miles were done in the first 18 months) so can't really justify anything too flash (that and not being able to afford one, heh).

Right, I'll answer one more for now. I'm not 100% at the moment and can't sit for too long.

Where else have you lived besides Ireland? When and for how long? How do you compare the different countries?

England, for 11 years (1991-2002), with a few months in Cologne in the mid 90s.

I loved England for the first 7 or 8 years. The initial attractions were jobs and no bombs but when peace finally came to Northern Ireland, the economy picked up and I started to yearn for a homecoming. This caused some friction on the home front but I gradually won her over with talk of rolling hills and relaxed licensing laws. The more mellow pace of life suited me to the ground, even in the motor trade I was working significantly fewer hours than I had in England, but it didn't suit my wife. She never really settled.

Recently though, I've been thinking seriously about moving back to England. It might not happen for a few years (and totally depends on how much money I can get for this place and another property - sadly, our house prices are dropping as much as anywhere else so I'm gonna have to ride it out) and, to be honest, might not happen at all. It'll be a balancing act but I might just pull it off, you never know.

Now that The Troubles have ended I thought I'd see a different Northern Ireland but, as time has gone on, all we've really done is replace our hatred for each other by hatred for anyone seen as 'different'. I read somewhere that Belfast is now the race-crime capital of Europe, this saddens me to my core but I'm inclined to believe it. The only time I've ever hear one man shout "Go home, n*gger!" to another is 5 minutes walk from where I'm now sitting.

I was drunk for the Cologne stint and basically went there as backup for someone else. That's all I'm saying...

There's plenty of resentment over here too against recent immigrants. I'm sick of arguing with people about it. How come it's ok for British people to emigrate for ' a better life' and form enclaves of expats who don't bother to learn the language, but it's not ok for people to come here seeking the same. I dunno, I get cross sometimes.

Yep, me too. Living, as I do, in a country that pioneered economic migrancy the resentment for people who come here seeking to better their lives is quite staggering. "They're taking our jobs!" cry the layabouts who've been on the dole for 15 years without realising that, in these minimum wage days, firms are having to hire non-national workers purely to satisfy increased demand. I was an economic migrant...

Of course, there is a percentage of (mainly non-EU) people working for much less than the minimum wage but show me a country that doesn't have that?


Besides, there's a house up the street which contains some absolutely stunning looking Latvian women. And the weather's turned warmer...

What is your experience with the United States, as far as visiting here and/or having relations here (Note: that isn't another Mira Sorvino question.) What do you really think of the country and its people?

I've got a brother in Michigan, cousins in Boston (Irish in Boston? Surely not!) and an uncle in Sacramento. The Tatty clan are spread far and wide across the world which is as much a product of rural Irish families as anything else - The eldest son got the farm and everyone else had to make do with what they could.

My maternal grandad's family is a case in point - there were 5 brothers (my grandad being #4) and the eldest got the Farm, the next two emigrated to Canada in their teens (my uncle Sam was 14 when he did it, obscenely young when looked at through 21st century eyes), my grandad trained in architecture and the youngest brother joined the navy. Because he was the only brother still 'at home' without land of his own, grandad inherited a farm from an unmarried old uncle of his and he was more or less forced to abandon his studies and take it over.

I was very very close to emigrating a few years ago. All the forms had been approved and I basically had to choose between The States or Canada but took cold feet at the last minute. That window has now passed because I doubt very much if a foreign state would pay for my healthcare...

Still, I think that answers your question about how I feel about The States.

I like your taste in music ... do you have much of a vinyl collection?

Ah yes. My vinyl collection.

What little I had left is now gone, not that I had much to begin with - I had my first CD player when I was 16 and never subscribed to the 'the crackling and skipping make it sound better' school of thought. Saying that, I loved the feel of LPs - gatefold sleeves etc - and there were certain things that you could only buy on record.

Anyway, to cut a dull story short my vinyl collection which only numbered 50-60 LPs had been stored in the attic for years. They warped...

What are your prized albums, bootlegs, recordings in your collection?

I had a few old Stiff Little Fingers bootlegs and an original pressing of The Radiators' Ghostown on LP. The CD age has meant that rare music is more widely available and anything 'limited edition' ... well ... isn't really.

I've got a couple of unofficial Neil Young live CDs, though, which are pretty good quality.

What instrument(s) do you play?

I'm a semi-competent keyboard player and an extremely poor guitarist. Keep meaning to buy another keyboard, actually, but have not got round to it yet.

Basically, I was a singer. Well, a frontman rather than a singer - it was the easiest job.

What was your band's name?

We were called Dover Beach (from the old Matthew Arnold poem, one of my favourites) and I'm rather annoyed that there seems to be no mention to us anywhere on the net.

Ok, we were nothing more than a bar band who hung around with much more talented musicians but no fans, no postmodern 'where are they now?' websites. Nothing.

Except for an email I received a few years ago. From Japan!

The story behind that was a conversation I was having on a now-defunct music messageboard with our old bass player - very short and continued on the phone, but it was seen by a Japanese guy who'd had the misfortune of studying in Lancashire (where we were based) in the 90s. The poor bugger had seen us play at some rock club or another, probably Wigan Pier, and remembered us.

Those crazy Japanese, eh? Still, I actually felt rather proud that we had made enough of an impression on him but still rather disappointed that he hadn't become a high-flying executive for Sony Records or whoever. The phrase 'lucrative Far-East tour' flashed across my eyes, shortly before the words 'behave yerself, you idiot!'.

If you could time travel, where would you go and why?

Good question. I'd quite like to experience Ancient Rome for a while, as long as I was back home for tea.

The grandeur and the decadence appeal.

Which Mofo Would You: NO REPEATS

Watch a movie with?

Grab a drink with?

Go to the beach with?

Grab some dinner with?

Break the law with?

Get high with?

Just hang out with?

Go sky diving with?

Travel with?

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"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have."

Suspect's Reviews

Watch a movie with?

Sammy D. Our tastes are close enough to appreciate the same broad cinematic values but different enough to have worthwhile discussions afterwards. Plus, she's the only MoFo I've actually watched a movie with.

Grab a drink with?

Blibby and Darth Stu! After hearing of some of the Blibbatollah's nights out it's a miracle more people don't end up in Casualty. I like that...

With Stu being a Scotsman this means that he's almost as good at drinking as an Irishman. Just don't expect him to buy many rounds...

Stereotypes! God's timesaver!

Go to the beach with?

I hate beaches (apart from that nudist one I stumbled upon once on Gran Canaria), truth be told, so it'd need to be someone who would put up with my constant complaining and thunderous bad attitude. Nebbs could do that.

Grab some dinner with?

Who's the ... ermmm ... largest MoFo? Someone who enjoys their food, I mean.

The maxim 'never trust a skinny chef' could also be applied to gastronomes.

'Fess up Mofo!

Break the law with?

I'd need someone who, like my dad did on occasions, would be able to flash their identity card at the waiting cops (I doubt if I'd be very lucky as a master criminal) and get us waved on by. Caity's the girl for that!

Get high with?

Depends what you mean by 'high'. I've never had much time for stoners, even when I used to partake. Other illicit substances, though...

Which MoFo wouldn't mind getting a slap from me when they start giggling at inconsequential nonsense? Step this way!

Just hang out with?

My brother Piddy. Someone who appreciates my taste in music, in other words.

FernTree has just admitted to that too, actually. Once I've bored Pete to death I'll give him a call.

Go sky diving with?

I can't stand heights and am not overly keen on planes so this won't be someone I'm too keen on. There's just one MoFo who I'd like to push out of an aeroplane but the little oik doesn't seem to post anymore. Thank God.

Some people know who I'm talking about and, for those that don't, it's no one who's had much consequence on this site anyway (though they were here for a while) so I'm not revealing their name...

...Unless someone pays me.

Travel with?

I'd love to tag along with Annie and her family on their upcoming holiday.