Wolfcop (Lowell Dean, 2014) Small-town alcoholic cop, Lou Garou (a play on
loup garou, the French term for werewolf -- an example of the movie's on-the-snout humor), regularly wakes up next to bitches he doesn't remember bedding, half his face already hidden beneath a prominent five o'clock shadow, before consuming his usual breakfast of scrambled eggs and Jack Daniels. At the police station, he'll attempt to sleep off his hangover and avoid the basic tasks and responsibilities required of his badge, leaving his female partner to solve any potential crimes, as their lopsided, ongoing tally demonstrates.
Even before Lou's lycanthropic transformation (the result of an occult ritual involving reptilian shapeshifters), the actor who plays him, Leo Fafard, already appears to have a few strands of canine DNA circling the gene pool, as if great-great-grandma might've spread her legs for White Fang during a drunken camping trip. His wolfish appearance must be the only reason he was awarded the starring role, because his acting is atrocious: no charisma, no personality, no screen presence. The rest of the cast don't fare much better. It's not that I expect Academy Award-nominated performances from a neo-grindhouse flick, but the corny puns and limp one-liners are made all the more cringeworthy coming from the lips of these actors/actresses. If nobody on screen -- outside of Jonathan Cherry, at least, as the mustachioed, excitable best friend -- appear to be having fun despite an inherently fun premise, that same dour attitude is going to transfer itself to viewers, as is the case here.
Like many werewolf movies,
WolfCop excels with its use of practical effects during the grisly, gooey, disgustingly-detailed (and genitalia-emphasized) transformation sequences. The most entertaining stretch of the film sees our Dirty Hairy transform his cop car into a "wolf mobile" before heading out on duty to f**k up robbers and meth-heads and other unfortunate criminals by clawing faces from skulls. (Leatherface could seriously multiply his mask collection by just perusing the leftover carnage from WolfCop's arrests.) There's also a hilarious (bestiality?) sex scene involving the titular furry cop and a sexy-as-sh*t bartender with an amazing rack. ("My, what big teeth you have." *looks down* "Oooh, that's not all!") With the exception of a few amusing moments and successful sight gags, most of the humor in
WolfCop lacks bite. The plot is lazy and half-baked. The script also seemed to forget about the villainous shape-shifters because they were an afterthought for most of the film until the unsatisfying climax.
There's
Another WolfCop now, but I'm skeptical that the sequel will better exploit the B-movie premise since the same people involved failed to deliver consistent entertainment with the original. Judging by the results here, the premise is better suited for a short film or fake trailer than a feature-length film. The
theme song is pretty dope, though.
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