Never have two words been more telling.
Absolutism
is the problem here.
You are entertaining the idea that objective criticism is not really objective unless it is 100% objective.
Consider your next words,
I've never read a review that was NOT "contaminated" by personal preference
The contamination metaphor is quite telling. You appear to subscribe to the "one drop" theory when it comes of objectivity. If there is any subjectivity, it seems, it is entirely impure.
However, this is the sort of theory that only makes sense to a Klansman. Look at the DNA of almost any person society would call "white" and you will find all sorts of ancestors. Nevertheless, there are plenty of people who are called white, identify as white, are officially coded as white by the government, are accused of having the privileges of whiteness, etc. No one is 100% white and yet there are plenty of white people in the world.
The irrationality of the position is revealed when we consider that it is not symmetrical.
Why not assume that one drop of white blood erases blackness? Isn't it curious that we don't hold "subjectivity" to the 100% requirement (arguing that it is not really subjective unless it is absolutely subjective)?
The pretentious thing about some reviewers is how they think that THEY are the arbiter of cinematic truth. They know that the only good salad has iceberg.
Right, you admit that there are "objective" details in a review, but maintain that these have nothing to do with the quality of the film, right?
You are committed to a world-picture in which no other answer is possible. You are an aesthetic relativist. You don't believe in beauty. We might say that you are an "atheist" when it comes to beauty. You only believe that people have impressions of beauty. You are of the sort described by C.S. Lewis in
The Abolition of Man in a section titled "Men Without Chests." You take it for granted that there are no aesthetic truths to be found (this is your ontology), so you cannot escape from the conclusion that only objective aspects of criticism are the "iceberg lettuce" (i.e., the mundane facts that supervene upon the illusory impressions that something is "really" there).
Just as an atheist cannot definitely prove that there is NO God to be found anywhere in the cosmos, the aesthetic relativist cannot definitively prove that there no such thing as beauty. Rather, their first move is to assume that there is no such thing! And if your world-picture does not allow for a class of objects, there is NO way you could ever makes sense of finding an example of that class of objects with existential import within that worldview (as this would be a contradiction in terms). Your ontology is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We don't have to take sides in the dispute to see that, at bottom, taking sides is all your ontological commitment amounts to. Is it any wonder that you have reported never finding something that you assume from the outset cannot exist?
Of course, I can no more prove to you the existence of beauty than I can prove to you the existence of God, right? And to enter into my world-picture would seem be just another question-begging exercise, right?
If neither of us can say, however, the proper stance would seem to be beauty agnosticism, which would mitigate your stance to "beauty skepticism." If so, there may be objective aesthetic criticism -- objective NOT just in talking about the "lettuce," but the beauty of the salad itself. And this would force you to say "I don't know." And if you don't know, you must allow that we might, on occasion, be talking about something more in art.
This may not seem fair to you. Shouldn't I admit that I cannot prove any such thing as objective quality about exists (i.e., that I can only assume it)?
Isn't it the case that I can only say that art criticism is objective about the lettuce and has an unprovable void as it comes to the quality of the salad?
I don't think so. Here's why.
1. We can ground aesthetics in human biology, grounding it not in the starry heavens, but our form of life. Beauty may lack true cosmic significance, but art criticism is NOT the view of the universe, but rather the view of human looking at the universe and their place in it. If there are objective human universals as regards the experience of art, this is all we need to have an objective conversation about the salad (at least as humans experience the dish).
2. We have the resource of intersubjectivity. Subjectivity is hopeless because opinions are like elbows, everyone has two of them and they bend as that person pleases. Intersubjectivity, however, is not the same thing as "cosmic objectivity." Rather it is a local objectivity which offers us a criterion of correctness outside of the self. Thus, we have community standards, expert standard, norms, expectations, etc. We have a network of shared experience which prevents aesthetic judgments from falling into the cracks of "purely isolated idiosyncratic responses to art." To the extent that we agree about any aesthetic standard, we may have a locally objective conversation about art relative to that standard. No, not a cosmically objective discussion (arguing about meaning from the point of view of the universe assumes that the universe has a point of view we should worry about, a question which is large and cannot be settled either way by tiny creatures like us), but one which is intersubjectively grounded such that the entire discussion doesn't reduce to merely squawking about entirely appetitive responses. In short, to have a rational discussion about art, we only need to have two people (no more, no less) agree about an artistic standard and apply that standard to an artwork. And by that standard there is plenty of weak objectivity to be had and the bugbear of subjectivism may be put to rest.
If you demand cosmic answers, maybe there is no objectivity to be had. But this is a bit like saying that there is no such thing as "true love" unless we find some instance of perfect, cosmically eternal, uncorrupted, uncontaminated "pure" love. I can only shrug. I find the imperfect love of humans to be real enough.