The Joke Thread

More bumper stickers:

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I ran across this one the other day...

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mona lisa.bmp (393.8 KB, 127 views)

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So I was laying on the beach the other day and Michael Jackson walked by. I said, "Hey get outta my sun!"

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I have been formatted to fit this screen.

r66-The member who always asks WHY?

Good one Cait, that's what could happen.

sick one r3's

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

A friend sent this to me:

Things Women say when under stress at work:

Ok, ok, I take it back, Unf?#k you.

You say I'm a bitch, like IT is a bad thing.

Well, this day was waste of makeup.

Well, aren't we a dam ray of sunshine.

Do I look like a people person

Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self control

Sarcasm is just one more service i offer.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

BACK OFF!! your in my aura.

Don't worry I forgot your name too.

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Wait..........I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

Chaos, panic, disorder..............my work is done here.

Ambivalent? well yes and no.

A hardon doesn't count as personal growth.

your depriving some village of an idiot.

If ******** could fly, this would be an airport.

I wish I could use those in my job at the bookstore..........

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Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons.....for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

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You were named after the DOG?

love them.

How true...?

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You
will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when
she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction
with a "Raised Eyebrow."

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared
in papers across the country:


Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Fine or should that be THAT'S OKAY

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~ Nikki ~

"I'm your hell, I'm your dream.......I'm nothing in between.......You know you wouldn't want it any other way".........

"Listen, when I slap you, you'll take it and like it"..........Humphrey Bogart..........Maltese Falcon.......

Graze on my lips and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie...........William Shakespeare.......

Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.”

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up"

Press 9
Press 9
press 9

999999999999999999999999999

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me and we all could use a little calm!!!



By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace... the article read:



"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before going to work this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, Prozac, some valium and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin good I feel... You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...

Had this one also from a friend and all I can say is

The Fisherman
>
>A 92 YEAR OLD MAN WHO LOVES TO FISH WAS SITTING IN HIS BOAT ON A LAKE WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY, "PICK ME UP."
>
>HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULD NOT SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMING WHEN HE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN, "PICK ME UP."
>
>HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON THE TOP WAS A FROG.
>THE OLD MAN SAID, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME"?
>
>THE FROG SAID, "YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU. PICK ME UP AND KISS ME AND
>I'll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL GIVE YOU THE MOST WONDERFUL SEXUAL PLEASURES THAT YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED OF."
>
>THE OLD MAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME AND THEN REACHED OVER AND PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET.
>;
>THEN THE FROG SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS, DIDN'T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? I SAID KISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SEXUAL PLEASURES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HAD."
>
>THE OLD MAN OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID, "AT MY AGE I'D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG".
>

more thoughts to ponder

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

that one is great, thanks for posting fox