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Give me some of your most despised anti-crushes.
Here's my list:
1. Mega Fox: Look, I'm not saying she's ugly, but being the hottest actress in the world was always a puzzling common denominator consensus to me. She has no charisma at all and all my 'friends' jerking off to her (figuratively speaking, of course, but then again, you never know with those bastards) seemed like a case of collective psychosis to me. It's not like she starred in any good films either. Started with Transformers, a fairy tale for overgrown boys, and continued into the pseudo-intellectual Jennifer's Body that was supposed to mock all the men creaming over her. But, you know, the satire didn't work. Because she's not exactly the heart-throb you wish to get murdered by. She's nowhere near Kathy Bates in terms of acting either.
2. Carmen Electra: There was that class where we were supposed to write something about our biggest crush and then publicly present our write-ups. Fearing my colleagues will see me as a weirdo who likes the nobody-knows-her actress, I chose Carmen Electra and wrote some generic bull like "she's smoking hot" which got me a good grade. Later it turned out nobody knew her either. Thank God for that because otherwise, I'd be ashamed to this day that I didn't stick to my true beliefs only to appease the bullying class. Back to the actress, it's not like she's ugly or anything, but she has that generic 'hot' look that every teenager is supposed to love. Well, I was different.
3. Ryan Gosling: Look, I'm not gay (I only love women and @Swan) but Ryan Gosling is just a wooden actor and I don't think any amount of the 'stoic hot guy' schtick is gonna help transcend that. He happened to have starred in some films I like, but damn me if he wouldn't be a good fit into another Bresson film. You know, Lars and the Real Girl was OK, but the doll and Ryan should've switched places!
4. Scarlett Johansson: For the life of mine, I can't figure out what people see in her. She's just your average girl with a raspy voice and big breasts. I met hotter girls in real life and I hardly ever leave my apartment. She's not a good actress either but that's a given because a great actor can make up for their looks with their charisma. She can't. Under the Skin was a superbly fitting role for her. But I lost the last dregs of respect I had for her after finding out she starred in Marvel movies.
5. Emma Watson: Hairy Pogger fans, don't eat me alive. I know you already have a shrine built to her name, but it's not like that fact alone is going to change the fact she's a hack. Don't even get me started on deep faking her face onto porn videos to cater to the pedophilic audience of Harry Potter. But even apart from that, Emma Watson is mediocre in every and each aspect you can think of.
6. Margot Robbie: She's the kind of girl I probably wouldn't mind back when I was 16. Thankfully, I grew up and know better now. She isn't bad but it's annoying to hear people swooning over her. Like, the supposedly infamous scene in The Wolf of Wall Street (a terribly overrated disgusting turpitude fest from Scorsese) or the reportedly hot she-Joker Harley Quinn (the number of porn films with Harley Quinn lookalikes that came out shortly after the movie was alarming; who'd have thought banging a girl with a clown face was everything the low-standard guys ever dreamed of). But the latest film from the quote-unquote world-class director Greta Gerwig called Barbie is perhaps the most jarring example of that. Who'd like to play a freakin' Barbie? Not to mention Ken is played by Ryan Gosling, also on this list! Is the new wave of Barbie porn coming?! Who the hell knows. All I know is that I'm out!
7. Zendaya: Hey, nothing wrong with playing a drug addict or that-girl-kissed-by-two-guys-at-once-in-Challengers-(-yes-this-new-film-from-the-hack-Luca-Guadagnino-)-trailer but if you tell me, with a straight face, that she's anywhere close to the top of your crush list, I'm going to have to disagree. It's pointless to argue about her being a good actress. It's too soonish to tell. But I can already tell you she's not going to make it onto the all-time list of the hottest women. Not any respectful list, that is.
8. Gal Gadot: The only Gal I respect is @MovieGal. No amount of slim seductress shenanigans is gonna help you if your entire career comprises Fast & Furious and Marvel movies. I'd take Hercule Poirot's sexy mustache over her anytime.
9. Kristen Stewart: The Twilight breakout shows that you don't really need to be good. You only need to star in a popular movie targeted at teenagers. Patison actually proved that this doesn't have to be the end of your career. But Kristen Stewart didn't really move on. Like at all. She looks like a junkie vampire who spent two months in Auschwitz as well. (But maybe that's a fitting look for Twilight, who knows?)
10. Milla Jovovich: I could put many other people here, like Angelina Jolie or Gwyneth Paltrow, but seriously, Milla's waist is thinner than my toe and I still don't understand what's hot in her CGI-fueled acrobatics and mundane zombie-killing. She was a model first, an actress second, and it shows.
Gimme your lists!
Here's my list:
1. Mega Fox: Look, I'm not saying she's ugly, but being the hottest actress in the world was always a puzzling common denominator consensus to me. She has no charisma at all and all my 'friends' jerking off to her (figuratively speaking, of course, but then again, you never know with those bastards) seemed like a case of collective psychosis to me. It's not like she starred in any good films either. Started with Transformers, a fairy tale for overgrown boys, and continued into the pseudo-intellectual Jennifer's Body that was supposed to mock all the men creaming over her. But, you know, the satire didn't work. Because she's not exactly the heart-throb you wish to get murdered by. She's nowhere near Kathy Bates in terms of acting either.
2. Carmen Electra: There was that class where we were supposed to write something about our biggest crush and then publicly present our write-ups. Fearing my colleagues will see me as a weirdo who likes the nobody-knows-her actress, I chose Carmen Electra and wrote some generic bull like "she's smoking hot" which got me a good grade. Later it turned out nobody knew her either. Thank God for that because otherwise, I'd be ashamed to this day that I didn't stick to my true beliefs only to appease the bullying class. Back to the actress, it's not like she's ugly or anything, but she has that generic 'hot' look that every teenager is supposed to love. Well, I was different.
3. Ryan Gosling: Look, I'm not gay (I only love women and @Swan) but Ryan Gosling is just a wooden actor and I don't think any amount of the 'stoic hot guy' schtick is gonna help transcend that. He happened to have starred in some films I like, but damn me if he wouldn't be a good fit into another Bresson film. You know, Lars and the Real Girl was OK, but the doll and Ryan should've switched places!
4. Scarlett Johansson: For the life of mine, I can't figure out what people see in her. She's just your average girl with a raspy voice and big breasts. I met hotter girls in real life and I hardly ever leave my apartment. She's not a good actress either but that's a given because a great actor can make up for their looks with their charisma. She can't. Under the Skin was a superbly fitting role for her. But I lost the last dregs of respect I had for her after finding out she starred in Marvel movies.
5. Emma Watson: Hairy Pogger fans, don't eat me alive. I know you already have a shrine built to her name, but it's not like that fact alone is going to change the fact she's a hack. Don't even get me started on deep faking her face onto porn videos to cater to the pedophilic audience of Harry Potter. But even apart from that, Emma Watson is mediocre in every and each aspect you can think of.
6. Margot Robbie: She's the kind of girl I probably wouldn't mind back when I was 16. Thankfully, I grew up and know better now. She isn't bad but it's annoying to hear people swooning over her. Like, the supposedly infamous scene in The Wolf of Wall Street (a terribly overrated disgusting turpitude fest from Scorsese) or the reportedly hot she-Joker Harley Quinn (the number of porn films with Harley Quinn lookalikes that came out shortly after the movie was alarming; who'd have thought banging a girl with a clown face was everything the low-standard guys ever dreamed of). But the latest film from the quote-unquote world-class director Greta Gerwig called Barbie is perhaps the most jarring example of that. Who'd like to play a freakin' Barbie? Not to mention Ken is played by Ryan Gosling, also on this list! Is the new wave of Barbie porn coming?! Who the hell knows. All I know is that I'm out!
7. Zendaya: Hey, nothing wrong with playing a drug addict or that-girl-kissed-by-two-guys-at-once-in-Challengers-(-yes-this-new-film-from-the-hack-Luca-Guadagnino-)-trailer but if you tell me, with a straight face, that she's anywhere close to the top of your crush list, I'm going to have to disagree. It's pointless to argue about her being a good actress. It's too soonish to tell. But I can already tell you she's not going to make it onto the all-time list of the hottest women. Not any respectful list, that is.
8. Gal Gadot: The only Gal I respect is @MovieGal. No amount of slim seductress shenanigans is gonna help you if your entire career comprises Fast & Furious and Marvel movies. I'd take Hercule Poirot's sexy mustache over her anytime.
9. Kristen Stewart: The Twilight breakout shows that you don't really need to be good. You only need to star in a popular movie targeted at teenagers. Patison actually proved that this doesn't have to be the end of your career. But Kristen Stewart didn't really move on. Like at all. She looks like a junkie vampire who spent two months in Auschwitz as well. (But maybe that's a fitting look for Twilight, who knows?)
10. Milla Jovovich: I could put many other people here, like Angelina Jolie or Gwyneth Paltrow, but seriously, Milla's waist is thinner than my toe and I still don't understand what's hot in her CGI-fueled acrobatics and mundane zombie-killing. She was a model first, an actress second, and it shows.
Gimme your lists!
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San Franciscan lesbian dwarves and their tomato orgies.
San Franciscan lesbian dwarves and their tomato orgies.
Wait didn't we have a thread like this before!
