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At the very least, when it comes to Conjuring or Babydriver or even Malignant, as much as those movies are not for me, if I squint a little, I understand why some people might respond well to that kind of trash.
But this one just seemed like amateur hour. The kind of thing I might be more willing to champion, if it also wasn't so lifeless and goofy and consistently unfunny when it tried to be funny. I literally have no idea what these average movie goers and critics are talking about when they call it tense or disturbing or whip smart or well made. It just seems like such a colossal failure that I for once should be on the same side as the dummy critics. But these dummy critics just keep outfoxing me with this ninja level terrible taste they have.
At least Captain Terror has the decency to claim he didn't take any of it seriously. That it was just a goofy good time. Like, I still don't think it passes muster when we even lower the bar that low, but I at least grasp that. I remember once being hungover and enjoying Deuce Bigelow in the middle of the afternoon one day. We all have our bad moments in movie watching.
But for anyone who takes this absolute pile of low rent nonsense seriously, I've got a bunch of horror scripts I can scribble out in ten minutes that I want to sell you.
Once again, critics do not know how to rate horror (or at least, they do it even worse than everything else they do badly)