← Back to Reviews
in
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
The Green Goblin and Edward Cullen live in a lighthouse. Wouldn't even bother if it wasn't labeled psychological thriller and it wasn't recommended by YMS (however YMS likes art films and I do not).
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
This is one of those movies that just throws a whole bunch of what-the-**** imagery at you and resolves literally nothing by the end.
...which is all you need to know to know that I'm going to give this movie a shit score.
I... HATE... movies that do this. Symbolism is cool! Psychological breakdowns are cool! I can even ignore the artsy-fartsy choice to film the movie in black and white and a non-standard aspect ratio, and I've even demonstrated that I have an interest in navel-themed settings.
None of that goes to solve the most basic ****ing issue with this movie, which is that it accomplishes NOTHING. It is like Eraserhead with every possible negative connotation attached; it makes no sense, there are random continuity breaks, it is needlessly gross and hard to watch, and amounts to **** all by the end.
The best things I can say about this movie is that Willem Dafoe as a crotchety former sailor is kind of entertaining and Robert Pattinson's talent was officially wasted on Twilight. But that is not to say that it was well spent here.
Honestly, if this movie was marketed as Willem Dafoe flips out on Robert Pattinson in a lighthouse, I'd be more interested than I was, but that's not even what we get at the end of the day.
Robert is presented as Willem's subordinate, both of which are assigned to lighthouse keeper duty for a month. It's rapidly established that Willem appears to do no work, and spends his time masturbating up in the beacon, where he for some reason needs to lock himself, whereas Robert is shown doing basically all of the work.
It's also immediately established that both parties should be sharing the work and should not be drinking. If both of these things were held true, none of the conflict in this movie would have taken place. So we are talking about The Chumscrubber level of writing, where the out to literally the entire plot is blatantly presented and ignored from the outset.
I don't think I've ever compared any movie to both The Chumscrubber and Eraserhead, and let me tell you, I do not have good things to say about either of those movies. Those are easily in my Top 25 WORST movies I've ever ****ing seen, so it is not a generous comparison.
Basically, we follow most of the movie from Robert's perspective, he gets shafted with all the work and threatened to have his pay cut if he resists any of the extreme unreasonableness of Willem's character. Willem's portrayed as having some sort of weird sexual ritual while he's locked up in the lighthouse, but is also presented as possibly some secret Lovecraftian nightmare creature?
Simultaneously, Robert oscillates between having weirdly aggressive run-ins with seagulls which culminates in him grabbing one out of the air and violently and beating it into a bloody pulp... after he's been warned that killing a gull is bad luck. Also he's randomly hallucinating sirens, we even get a full-shot of mermaid vag as well as Robert thrusting into it interspersed with all the usual violent penetrative imagery art films love to associate with sex for some ****ed reason.
So basically, it seems Robert's losing his mind, and it doesn't help that Willem repeatedly gaslights him into doubting how long they've been there or who was responsible for what thing.
That would seem like a relatively straightforward Shutter Island-type scenario, but they decide to convolute matters by suggesting that Robert and Willem only get along when they're drunk, which they become many many many times, resulting in fights, crazy sailor rants, and other random plot developments like how Robert is pretending to be someone he watched die... which is relevant for some reason.
It all comes down to a big fight where Robert treats Willem like a dog, basically buries him alive, he goes to the lighthouse, then he leaves the lighthouse for some reason, gets axed by Willem, who axes him back, goes to the lighthouse again, screams into the eternal void of the beacon... for ART REASONS and then falls down the stairs inside the lighthouse... only to smash cut OUTSIDE the lighthouse to him being eaten alive by seagulls...
...and apparently the lighthouse is missing now? Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean I have no idea, there's plenty of shots in this movie without the lighthouse in the background, so how on earth we're expected to suddenly believe the lighthouse is missing from a wideshot of an ambiguous rocky surface is entirely beyond me.
This entire movie is entirely beyond me. What was the point of the mermaid sex? What was the point of the seagull smackdown? What was the point of Willem stripping naked in front of the beacon? What was the point in him turning into a octopus creature?
What was the point in him being butt-naked and staring a laser beam directly into Robert's eyes? Apparently this shot is lifted from an art piece depicting "hypnosis"? WHAT DID THAT ADD TO THE ****IN' MOVIE YOU PRETENTIOUS ****IN' DUMBASSES!? What value is it if it doesn't correlate to anything that's happening? You just decided "that's a neat shot" and crammed it into the movie with zero regard to how violently it rips me out of my experience so I can say for the umpteenth time; "WHAT THE **** IS HAPPENING???"
I don't give a shit about either of these characters, I don't care if they die, it adds nothing to my experience to watch them masturbate themselves to tears because I can find more fulfilling pornography in Sonic the Hedgehog foot fetish fanfiction.
AT LEAST there was some semblance of mystery going on, and that's the only thing that keeps me from giving this movie the lowest possible rating, there are way more infuriating movies out there, but in terms of complete wastes of time, this movie fits the bill exactly.
This is the sort of movie I imagine Werckmeister Harmonies to be, and that is why I haven't watched it.
Final Verdict: [Bad]
The Lighthouse
Psychological Thriller / English / 2019
Psychological Thriller / English / 2019
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
The Green Goblin and Edward Cullen live in a lighthouse. Wouldn't even bother if it wasn't labeled psychological thriller and it wasn't recommended by YMS (however YMS likes art films and I do not).
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"DAMN YE! Let Neptune strike ye dead, Winslow! HAAARK! Hark, Triton! Hark! Bellow! Bid our father, the Sea King, rise from the depths, full-foul in his fury, black waves teeming with salt-foam, to smother this young mouth with pungent slime, to choke ye, engorging your organs 'till ye turn blue and bloated with bilge and brine and can scream no more... only when, he, crowned in cockle shells with slithering tentacled tail and steaming beard, takes up his fell, be-finnèd arm – his coral-tined trident screeches banshee-like in the tempest and plunges right through yer gullet! BURSTING YE, a bulging bladder no more, but a blasted bloody film now – a nothing for the Harpies and the souls of dead sailors to peck and claw and feed upon, only to be lapped up and swallowed by the infinite waters of the Dread Emperor himself, forgotten to any man, to any time, forgotten to any god or devil, forgotten even to the sea... for any stuff or part of Winslow, even any scantling of your soul, is Winslow no more, but is now itself the sea!"
"Alright, have it your way. I like your cooking."
"Alright, have it your way. I like your cooking."
This is one of those movies that just throws a whole bunch of what-the-**** imagery at you and resolves literally nothing by the end.
...which is all you need to know to know that I'm going to give this movie a shit score.
I... HATE... movies that do this. Symbolism is cool! Psychological breakdowns are cool! I can even ignore the artsy-fartsy choice to film the movie in black and white and a non-standard aspect ratio, and I've even demonstrated that I have an interest in navel-themed settings.
None of that goes to solve the most basic ****ing issue with this movie, which is that it accomplishes NOTHING. It is like Eraserhead with every possible negative connotation attached; it makes no sense, there are random continuity breaks, it is needlessly gross and hard to watch, and amounts to **** all by the end.
The best things I can say about this movie is that Willem Dafoe as a crotchety former sailor is kind of entertaining and Robert Pattinson's talent was officially wasted on Twilight. But that is not to say that it was well spent here.
Honestly, if this movie was marketed as Willem Dafoe flips out on Robert Pattinson in a lighthouse, I'd be more interested than I was, but that's not even what we get at the end of the day.
Robert is presented as Willem's subordinate, both of which are assigned to lighthouse keeper duty for a month. It's rapidly established that Willem appears to do no work, and spends his time masturbating up in the beacon, where he for some reason needs to lock himself, whereas Robert is shown doing basically all of the work.
It's also immediately established that both parties should be sharing the work and should not be drinking. If both of these things were held true, none of the conflict in this movie would have taken place. So we are talking about The Chumscrubber level of writing, where the out to literally the entire plot is blatantly presented and ignored from the outset.
I don't think I've ever compared any movie to both The Chumscrubber and Eraserhead, and let me tell you, I do not have good things to say about either of those movies. Those are easily in my Top 25 WORST movies I've ever ****ing seen, so it is not a generous comparison.
Basically, we follow most of the movie from Robert's perspective, he gets shafted with all the work and threatened to have his pay cut if he resists any of the extreme unreasonableness of Willem's character. Willem's portrayed as having some sort of weird sexual ritual while he's locked up in the lighthouse, but is also presented as possibly some secret Lovecraftian nightmare creature?
Simultaneously, Robert oscillates between having weirdly aggressive run-ins with seagulls which culminates in him grabbing one out of the air and violently and beating it into a bloody pulp... after he's been warned that killing a gull is bad luck. Also he's randomly hallucinating sirens, we even get a full-shot of mermaid vag as well as Robert thrusting into it interspersed with all the usual violent penetrative imagery art films love to associate with sex for some ****ed reason.
So basically, it seems Robert's losing his mind, and it doesn't help that Willem repeatedly gaslights him into doubting how long they've been there or who was responsible for what thing.
That would seem like a relatively straightforward Shutter Island-type scenario, but they decide to convolute matters by suggesting that Robert and Willem only get along when they're drunk, which they become many many many times, resulting in fights, crazy sailor rants, and other random plot developments like how Robert is pretending to be someone he watched die... which is relevant for some reason.
It all comes down to a big fight where Robert treats Willem like a dog, basically buries him alive, he goes to the lighthouse, then he leaves the lighthouse for some reason, gets axed by Willem, who axes him back, goes to the lighthouse again, screams into the eternal void of the beacon... for ART REASONS and then falls down the stairs inside the lighthouse... only to smash cut OUTSIDE the lighthouse to him being eaten alive by seagulls...
...and apparently the lighthouse is missing now? Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean I have no idea, there's plenty of shots in this movie without the lighthouse in the background, so how on earth we're expected to suddenly believe the lighthouse is missing from a wideshot of an ambiguous rocky surface is entirely beyond me.
This entire movie is entirely beyond me. What was the point of the mermaid sex? What was the point of the seagull smackdown? What was the point of Willem stripping naked in front of the beacon? What was the point in him turning into a octopus creature?
What was the point in him being butt-naked and staring a laser beam directly into Robert's eyes? Apparently this shot is lifted from an art piece depicting "hypnosis"? WHAT DID THAT ADD TO THE ****IN' MOVIE YOU PRETENTIOUS ****IN' DUMBASSES!? What value is it if it doesn't correlate to anything that's happening? You just decided "that's a neat shot" and crammed it into the movie with zero regard to how violently it rips me out of my experience so I can say for the umpteenth time; "WHAT THE **** IS HAPPENING???"
I don't give a shit about either of these characters, I don't care if they die, it adds nothing to my experience to watch them masturbate themselves to tears because I can find more fulfilling pornography in Sonic the Hedgehog foot fetish fanfiction.
AT LEAST there was some semblance of mystery going on, and that's the only thing that keeps me from giving this movie the lowest possible rating, there are way more infuriating movies out there, but in terms of complete wastes of time, this movie fits the bill exactly.
This is the sort of movie I imagine Werckmeister Harmonies to be, and that is why I haven't watched it.
Final Verdict: [Bad]