← Back to Reviews
in
Friday the 13th
Horror Thriller / English / 1980
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Haven't seen it. Probably the slasher movie icon I'm most surprised is not already in Dead by Daylight, probably because they already attempted to release their own asymmetric horror survival game based on it.
I already know the twist going in.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Killing a live snake on camera, very nice.
Before talking about this movie, I'd like to describe a nightmare I had his morning. "Describe" is a bit generous in this case because, as is the case with dreams and nightmares, it's easy to forget details.
The important part is that I was imagining myself coming home in the dead of night only to discover that my home had been trashed. Drawers pulled out, stuff scattered all over the floor, clearly I had become the victim of a burglary. Already a bad feeling. But then, and I don't remember what it was, something subtle about the environment clued me into the certainty that the person who was in my house was still there, and in that moment, standing in the middle of my living room, I realized I was not alone.
A terrifying feeling and enough to jolt me awake into the real world once again. I can't even think of the last time I had a nightmare so unsettling.
THE POINT is to say that the random nightmare I had was scarier than this movie.
Let me see if I can summarize this in a way any seasoned moviegoer can understand:
This is a 1 hour and 35 minute movie,
and it takes 1 hour and 10 minutes for any of the characters to find out they're being killed.
That is probably THE most boring execution of a slasher movie I can imagine, shy of the entire cast being oblivious for the entire length.
This movie has a simple premise: Camp counselors are getting ready to reopen the camp after being closed following a slew of mysterious deaths. Somebody doesn't want that and picks them off one by one.
Which is honestly a great thing because these counselors are apparently all immature sex-brained potheads, a wonderful standup crew I would trust to take care of my children in the isolation of the woods in the middle of nowhere!
Apparently Mrs. Vorhees agrees, mother of the series killer, Jason, who is revealed to be the murderer... in the last 15 minutes of the movie. Jason drowned offscreen because the last rash of weed-breathed dry-humping wannabe natives left him to die.
I can get behind this revenge mission, kill 'em all I say. After all, Mrs. Vorhees is the most entertaining performance in the movie, it's only right that she assert her dominance by erasing the rest of the cast. Though I do find it frustrating that only after she's revealed, having killed several men and women alone, she manages to somehow be less coordinated than Ghostface.
The twist ending is after she's run through, Jason jumpscares the last girl by jumping out of the lake. You never even see the hockey mask that later became his signature look.
I appreciate that they tried to make the relatively mild irresponsibility of the counselors part of the point as to why they were being killed, Vorhees could have gone further about them being busy having sex or something, but the truth is the vast majority of this movie is just these characters fussing about and Mrs. Vorhees supposedly behind a handheld camera sneaking up on people to perform a hit-or-miss practical effects shot.
The orchestra exclusively follows her too, so all of the strings and "ch ch ch ch hah hah hah hah" stuff only supplement the movie when there's an impending death scene, robbing much of the movie of it's surprise.
The way the score is mixed into the movie is also kinda distracting, this isn't something I normally complain about but I feel like the ambiance and orchestral stings are much too close to the microphone as compared to the rest of the scene. It just sounds like I got a passive aggressive violinist huffing in my ear for some reason.
Another thing that completely took me out of it was the Kitchen Lady. She's supposedly one of the counselors on her way to the camp, except she's hiking with an enormous pack of travel gear and she's just alone walking about with a big smile on her face for no reason at all.
When she's alone, when she's petting a dog, when she's talking to people, when she's hitchhiking, she's just got a constant innocent smile on her dumb face... right on up until she gets killed off super early, which was surprising to me because she got more establishing shots and dialog than any other one character up to that point in the movie.
Everybody else including Kevin Bacon exist to do nothing but act immature, have sex, and get killed. Just a totally vapid cast all the way around.
It wasn't fun, it wasn't scary, it wasn't engaging, I couldn't even get any catharsis out of seeing the characters get killed because they're not big enough ********.
For a movie inspired by Halloween, it at least managed to not be so hilariously stupid, but even then I think Halloween had more going for it.
Final Verdict: [Weak]
Friday the 13th
Horror Thriller / English / 1980
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Haven't seen it. Probably the slasher movie icon I'm most surprised is not already in Dead by Daylight, probably because they already attempted to release their own asymmetric horror survival game based on it.
I already know the twist going in.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
Killing a live snake on camera, very nice.
Before talking about this movie, I'd like to describe a nightmare I had his morning. "Describe" is a bit generous in this case because, as is the case with dreams and nightmares, it's easy to forget details.
The important part is that I was imagining myself coming home in the dead of night only to discover that my home had been trashed. Drawers pulled out, stuff scattered all over the floor, clearly I had become the victim of a burglary. Already a bad feeling. But then, and I don't remember what it was, something subtle about the environment clued me into the certainty that the person who was in my house was still there, and in that moment, standing in the middle of my living room, I realized I was not alone.
A terrifying feeling and enough to jolt me awake into the real world once again. I can't even think of the last time I had a nightmare so unsettling.
THE POINT is to say that the random nightmare I had was scarier than this movie.
Let me see if I can summarize this in a way any seasoned moviegoer can understand:
This is a 1 hour and 35 minute movie,
and it takes 1 hour and 10 minutes for any of the characters to find out they're being killed.
That is probably THE most boring execution of a slasher movie I can imagine, shy of the entire cast being oblivious for the entire length.
This movie has a simple premise: Camp counselors are getting ready to reopen the camp after being closed following a slew of mysterious deaths. Somebody doesn't want that and picks them off one by one.
Which is honestly a great thing because these counselors are apparently all immature sex-brained potheads, a wonderful standup crew I would trust to take care of my children in the isolation of the woods in the middle of nowhere!
Apparently Mrs. Vorhees agrees, mother of the series killer, Jason, who is revealed to be the murderer... in the last 15 minutes of the movie. Jason drowned offscreen because the last rash of weed-breathed dry-humping wannabe natives left him to die.
I can get behind this revenge mission, kill 'em all I say. After all, Mrs. Vorhees is the most entertaining performance in the movie, it's only right that she assert her dominance by erasing the rest of the cast. Though I do find it frustrating that only after she's revealed, having killed several men and women alone, she manages to somehow be less coordinated than Ghostface.
The twist ending is after she's run through, Jason jumpscares the last girl by jumping out of the lake. You never even see the hockey mask that later became his signature look.
I appreciate that they tried to make the relatively mild irresponsibility of the counselors part of the point as to why they were being killed, Vorhees could have gone further about them being busy having sex or something, but the truth is the vast majority of this movie is just these characters fussing about and Mrs. Vorhees supposedly behind a handheld camera sneaking up on people to perform a hit-or-miss practical effects shot.
The orchestra exclusively follows her too, so all of the strings and "ch ch ch ch hah hah hah hah" stuff only supplement the movie when there's an impending death scene, robbing much of the movie of it's surprise.
The way the score is mixed into the movie is also kinda distracting, this isn't something I normally complain about but I feel like the ambiance and orchestral stings are much too close to the microphone as compared to the rest of the scene. It just sounds like I got a passive aggressive violinist huffing in my ear for some reason.
Another thing that completely took me out of it was the Kitchen Lady. She's supposedly one of the counselors on her way to the camp, except she's hiking with an enormous pack of travel gear and she's just alone walking about with a big smile on her face for no reason at all.
When she's alone, when she's petting a dog, when she's talking to people, when she's hitchhiking, she's just got a constant innocent smile on her dumb face... right on up until she gets killed off super early, which was surprising to me because she got more establishing shots and dialog than any other one character up to that point in the movie.
Everybody else including Kevin Bacon exist to do nothing but act immature, have sex, and get killed. Just a totally vapid cast all the way around.
It wasn't fun, it wasn't scary, it wasn't engaging, I couldn't even get any catharsis out of seeing the characters get killed because they're not big enough ********.
For a movie inspired by Halloween, it at least managed to not be so hilariously stupid, but even then I think Halloween had more going for it.
Final Verdict: [Weak]