← Back to Reviews
in
The Magic Crystal
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Final Verdict: [Meh...]
The Magic Crystal
Sci-Fi Martial Arts Action / Chinese / 1986
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
Cynthia Rothrock of course.
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
WHAT'D I THINK? *SPOILERS*
"Planes never fall down."
It's a shame that Cynthia Rothrock never took off because now well past her prime her filmography pretty much comes down to Yes, Madam, Above The Law, and Undefeatable, ALL OF WHICH she only co-stars in. She's virtually always a sidekick in these movies and on the rare occasions she's starring, it's in some cruddy Z-grade femsploitation movie.
And if you're REAL lucky, you'll see her in a Frankenstein beast like this.
Scallops, Beef, Chicken, Eggs, Ham, Ice Cream, The plot to The Magic Crystal involves the extreme tonal clash of a serious 80s martial arts cop vs. gang movie with a just-for-kids Saturday morning Disney Channel movie dialed WAY THE **** BACK on it's budget. This reminded me of early Power Rangers that's how goofy it was.
Basically, an arbitrary mess of somewhat related characters, all of which, save the comedy relief, know kung fu (obviously), are hunting down a gang which is attacking them in attempt to retrieve a precious stone from them which one of their nephews discovers is a sentient talking alien robot magic jade rock.
It's silly enough when the high pitched voice from the rock sounds like the narrator who politely asks the children to sing along with the puppets so that they can remember that the colors blue and red make purple (only to resume a vicious coke addiction offscreen), but the level of casual whimsy on display here dives headlong into unintentional horror territory.
"That's a good deal Mr. Rock, here, let's shake fingers on it."
"WAIT A SECOND...YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FINGERS! Ha ha ha."
"What happened to him Mr. Rock?"
"The man witnessed a woman peel her face off and plummeted
over two stories to the ground, I think he's had enough."
Wow. Yeah. That happens.
Anyway, the movie's stupid. Just generally stupid. Not even gonna bother listing all the plotholes or needless pointing out that I once again have no clean grasp of the relationships of these characters.
That villain... jeez. Guy says "abusive language is unethical" one moment and in the next he says "Anyone refusing to cooperate with us will suffer more than an AIDS victim."
This while an elementary schooler is learning to stand up to bullies and making friends with a magic talking rock. The ****.
This'd easily make my bad list if not for the fact that the fight scenes, particular the first 2-4, are pretty damn good. It's a massive waste of talent if you ask me.
And if you're REAL lucky, you'll see her in a Frankenstein beast like this.
Scallops, Beef, Chicken, Eggs, Ham, Ice Cream, The plot to The Magic Crystal involves the extreme tonal clash of a serious 80s martial arts cop vs. gang movie with a just-for-kids Saturday morning Disney Channel movie dialed WAY THE **** BACK on it's budget. This reminded me of early Power Rangers that's how goofy it was.
Basically, an arbitrary mess of somewhat related characters, all of which, save the comedy relief, know kung fu (obviously), are hunting down a gang which is attacking them in attempt to retrieve a precious stone from them which one of their nephews discovers is a sentient talking alien robot magic jade rock.
It's silly enough when the high pitched voice from the rock sounds like the narrator who politely asks the children to sing along with the puppets so that they can remember that the colors blue and red make purple (only to resume a vicious coke addiction offscreen), but the level of casual whimsy on display here dives headlong into unintentional horror territory.
"That's a good deal Mr. Rock, here, let's shake fingers on it."
*break*
"WAIT A SECOND...YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FINGERS! Ha ha ha."
*rock grows finger*
"I gave him a terrible vision!"
"The man witnessed a woman peel her face off and plummeted
over two stories to the ground, I think he's had enough."
"Great! I'll re-arrange his body for 24 hours!"
Wow. Yeah. That happens.
Anyway, the movie's stupid. Just generally stupid. Not even gonna bother listing all the plotholes or needless pointing out that I once again have no clean grasp of the relationships of these characters.
That villain... jeez. Guy says "abusive language is unethical" one moment and in the next he says "Anyone refusing to cooperate with us will suffer more than an AIDS victim."
This while an elementary schooler is learning to stand up to bullies and making friends with a magic talking rock. The ****.
This'd easily make my bad list if not for the fact that the fight scenes, particular the first 2-4, are pretty damn good. It's a massive waste of talent if you ask me.