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House of Flying Daggers

House of Flying Daggers
Martial Arts Romance / Chinese / 2004

CiCi mentioned in the Batman v Superman thread:
Originally Posted by CiCi
I'll pipe in and say Zhang Yimou House of Flying Daggers is probably the best action film I've seen, because it interweaves a terrific story in as well, effortlessly. Hero was fantastic as well. Both are huge favourites of mine
This was so ho ho ho ho bad... aw jeez... ****.

Where do I star-okay so...

It's pretty.

( O__O) And that right there ends my praise for the movie.

Just because it's attractive on the surface, alright whatever, let's do this:

So the movie starts off with some drunk ******* guard captain in a brothel who asks to see the newest girl who's suspected to be a member of a rogue anti-government group called the Flying Daggers.

The girl is blind, but despite that puts on a fancy dance which goes on much longer than necessary. The dude decides that he wants to sex her up so he forces himself on her at which point the other women intervene because she's "inexperienced". If you're running a brothel, why in the hell are you teasing customers with jailbait?

So the other guards come in for some reason to break it up and the blind girl, Mei, is arrested for "dressing indecently". Yes, blame the victim, guys, excellent police work. BUT WAIT, they're not done yet! One of them agrees to let Mei go if she can play the "echo game".

The "echo game" is Simon Says. WOW, imagine how many people would get off the hook if after breaking the law they could shrug off any crime by playing a game of Bop It.

So Bop It is played apparently by surrounding the blind girl with drums and flicking nuts between them with an inexplicable disregard for gravity. I don't mind the idea of a character who can ricochet a walnut between multiple objects in a room, but I do mind seeing it in slow motion because it looks totally absurd.

It's during this game which also goes on much longer than necessary that Mei decides to use her spring-loaded sleeves to GRAB THE SWORD OUT OF THE MAN'S SHEATH AND

It looks SO GOOFY. Both the sleeves and the sword are flailing around like a worm and the man is making poses for some reason that just...

Suddenly a fight breaks out and we get rubber swords and bad wire-fu like it's Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (which is also a substandard action movie).

We have a fight that's barely serviceable, we drag our ass a bit and finally Mei is saved by... Drunk Captain Dude? Wait, HE's our male protagonist?

Oh spare me. BUT NO, he's not just our male protagonist he's our LOVE INTEREST.

Ooooooh noooooo.

THIS is the kind of movie I was talking about before, a romance rushed harder than George Costanza with an erection.

So yeah, the vast majority of the movie is just these two out in the woods as they get repeatedly attacked by bad guys who really like ****ing up horses for scenes in movies that totally warranted their probable injuries.

Eventually the "flying daggers" make an appearance

Not only do the daggers act like boomerangs if they were possessed by the mindless spirit of an enraged woodpecker, but even when they're thrown in a DIRECT LINE at their target, their rotation just implausibly stops feet before impacting on their targets! THAT'S NOT HOW DAGGERS WORK! THAT'S NOT EVEN HOW PHYSICS WORK!

Mei constantly gives Drunk Captain Dude the cold shoulder before they're eventually found by the rebels where it's revealed they were both double-crossing each other and the one guy that Mei tried to kill at the brothel is actually a sleeper agent who's in love with her.


So now there's a love triangle, kissing, and double-crossers Mei and Drunk Captain Dude double-cross their respective factions which negates the original double crossing by quadruple crossing which makes them... triple agents? WHY IS THIS A THING!?

The final showdown defies all logic by inexplicably fading into winter MID-FIGHT during which Mei is down for the count. Holy hell, that must be jarring to wake up with three inches of snow on your face. I've received concussions that caused me to find myself in places I have no memory of ever visiting, but losing track of the seasons is impressive.

Anyway, I don't care how it ends because I was SO FAR BEYOND CARING by this point I had TUNED THE **** OUT.

All you need to know about this movie is that it contains this line:

I sacrificed 3 years for you, how could you love him after just 3 days?

Final Verdict:
[Just... Bad]