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Eight Legged Freaks


by Yoda
posted on 7/20/02
Some films are so bad that they're good. Now and then, someone will try to make a relatively high-budget film appear mildly unprofessional and crude, deliberately. They go out of their way to seem unorganized and goofy. They're intentionally campy.

A few basic things are required out of a film that is making a special effort to appear campy:
  • It has to be crazy and/or over the top in some way.
  • It can't require you to do any intensive thinking.
  • It can never, ever take itself seriously.
  • It has to be funny. Not just fun...funny.
Eight Legged Freaks is undeniably a flick that is trying very, very hard to meet all of the above critera. Its checklist, however, excluded one key item.

Ths movie is indeed over the top. If you were asked to describe "over the top," I think a reply of "giant, mutant spiders" would be ideal. Put a check mark next to "over the top." It certainly doesn't require you to do too much thinking, either, so check that item, too. Thankfully, it takes itself seriously for all of thirty seconds, as well. Three down, one to go. It falls short, however, in (arguably) the most important item on the list. The film is not all that funny.

It has its moments, and obviously the mere prescence of an army of giant spiders gives the entire thing a semi-amusing feel. The closest thing to real comedy here is the prescence of Doug E. Doug, who plans Harlan, the paranoid radio talk show host who's vocation is to act frightened and yell things like "I told you so!" at highly inappropriate times. His character brings forth a few chuckles; a rant on anal probing stands out. The rant stands alone, however, and the rest of the flick is devoid of that kind of humor, which, frankly, it should be leaning on heavily. I find it interesting that one of the film's funniest moments comes just after the credits have started to roll.

The last film I reviewed was Reign of Fire, which I declared to be the "best dragon movie of all-time." I added that such a title wasn't worth all that much. Eight Legged Freaks is a notch below in the sense that, despite a relatively small amount of competition, this is not the greatest spider movie of all-time. It's average at best even within its own tiny sub-genre.

There are positives, however, in addition to a few genuinely funny moments scattered throughout. The acting is unimportant, but adequate. David Arquette, who appeared perfect for this sort of role, was dull and uninteresting. That, however, was through little fault of his own. Had he been given some more crazy gags and goofy lines to work with, I suspect we'd all be singing his praises. He wasn't, though, and he ultimately came off badly as a result.

Refreshing, however, was Kari Wuhrer, who seems to be emerging from the B-movie fame she seemed mired in not long ago. As crazy as it sounds, she's believable as a single mother here, and is the only character with any real depth. She too isn't given much to work with, and as such she's left hanging between the two ends of the spectrum. She is neither someone to connect with, nor is she a token bimbo who's just along for the ride because she looks good. Either choice would have worked (though the latter would have upped the Camp-O-Meter), but ultimately she's left dangling between the two extremes.

The effects are what save this film from total uselessness. The spiders, while looking merely good during the day, look great at night, and in the movie's later scenes. They're big, hairy, and damn creepy, just like massive mutated spiders ought to be.

If you're in a goofy mood, you may enjoy this film more, but in the end all you'll likely get from it is a few chuckles and a tingly feeling around the back of your neck.

The Bottom Line: Arachnophobia meets Evolution (without the laughs).