Movie Reviews by Mose

Thanks... I think I need to start writing reviews of movies people may have actually seen though Might stimumulate a bit more conversation

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Toefuzz.com - Movie reviews and quotes for those of us fortunate enough to not have our heads shoved up overly critical rectums!

My Top 100 favorite movies.

Or write reviews for movies people will want to see because of your review. It gets old saying, "Thanks, Mose. Here's another one I never heard of that I'll make a point to not see."

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"Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Thanx, Mose. Here's another one i kinda heard of that i'll make a point to see some day soon.

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We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

Slay, are you saying my review of Wake of Death didn't inspire you to see JCVD's latest cinematic endeavor?!? I am hurt

Wak of who?

Just to be clear though...I like your reviews. I think you have a good voice for it.

Constantine 7/10

John Constantine (Reeves) uses his gift/curse of being able to see the angels and demons amongst us to send those who disrupt a mysterious balance back from whence they came as a means of purchasing his spot in heaven. And while much of Constantine’s theology and faithfulness to its source is open for debate, the wildness of director Francis Lawrence’s imagination is not. His bold visual style allow us to forgive many of his directorial debut’s shortcomings, most notably its confusing look at good and evil. Surprisingly Mr. Reeves’ performance did not piss me off and actually led to the creation of an addendum to my earlier proposed Keanu theory. In movies such as Constantine his incessantly vapid looking state allows him to achieve a serene, almost Zen like appearance that allows him to deliver the cheesiest of lines in the strangest of circumstances with an amazingly straight face, something even the greats struggle with.

Wimbledon 8/10

Paul Bettany plays a journeyman professional tennis player whose rank has dipped to 119th in the world. Convinced the game has passed him by he announces his retirement following that year’s British fortnight only to have his game and attitude change after meeting and falling in love with Kirsten Dunst, a female tennis pro on the upside of her career. Bettany’s natural affability infuses his character with so much warmth and likeability that we couldn’t help but cheer for him as he woos the oh so lovely Ms. Dunst. It is their chemistry, combined with the film’s solid supporting cast and some incredible camera work from director Richard Loncraine that allows us to overlook the sport and romance clichés prevalent throughout the story and turns this would be generic romance into a must see for the non-cynical amongst us.

Wow.. that's high marks from you. I like Paul Bettany. A lot. Did you see the one where he's a priest turned actor? If not, I recommend you check it out. You will not believe what Willem DeFoe does with his own body. ANyway, Bettany is great in it. He's a very intelligent actor and it shows.

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Review: Cabin in the Woods 8/10

Holy Jesus. This is probably the most surprising rating I've seen you give in your review thread. I knew you would be putting a review of it in your thread, but not for any other reason than pouring sh*t on it. What happened to you China?

The film reminded me of End Of Days[1999] and how destructive the combination of religion and action can be. It's a pity that such a cool comic and potentially interesting plot had to be ruined.

By your system I would give the film a 2/10. A large reason for this is Keanu Reeves.

Well, you should probably keep in mind I am a hopeless romantic who loves sports movies and is a big tennis fan. Kind of puts things in perspective

As for Bettany... he just comes across as such a likable guy without that floppish annoyance we sometimes find with Hugh Grant. I have not seen the movie you discussed, but will be looking it up... I expect big things from Mr. Bettany in the future

On a related note, a friend pointed out the true moral of the story to me... If you have sex with Kirsten Dunst you get better at tennis. I think I should call and see if she's available for 'doubles' before Spring hits

I think roles like this are made for Keanu... As I said in my review, his blank, window-licker like expression (minus the drool coming out of his mouth) allows him to keep a straight face in the strangest of times... Add Ms. Weisz into the mix and you have my attention.

Of course I have always been interested in theology, the occult, etc. so it should come as no surprise I enjoyed a reasonably well done movie centering around that subject matter. The visuals alone earned it at least a 4.

Dream a Warrior 5/10

If crack had been invented back in the day, and if Shakespeare had been an addict, Romeo and Juliet might have turned out something like Dream of a Warrior. This whacked out tale of love involves time travel, guns, swordplay, attractive Asian women, shape changing warriors, and a dystopian/utopian future/past. If that synopsis fails to make sense then you might have some idea of how I feel after watching this ambitious, yet thoroughly strange film.

7 Grandmasters 7/10

If you have fond memories of watching Sunday morning kung fu as a youngster and want to scratch that nostalgic itch while watching a surprisingly good movie, then 7 Grandmasters is the movie for you. An aging kung fu master of the Pei Mei style has been awarded the title of champion only to receive an anonymous challenge upon announcing his retirement. He sets out to confront the 7 provincial champions to prove once and for all that he is the best. Along the way he picks up a tenacious Jackie Chan wannabe and faces an old rival. Unlike many of its contemporaries, 7 Grandmasters transcends its low production values to achieve fame for more than its unintentional comedy. In terms of all out old school chop socky goodness 7 Grandmasters nonstop action and well choreographed fight sequences cannot be beat.

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning 4/10

This prequel to the successful Ginger Snaps series finds Brigitte and Ginger taking refuge in a besieged fort set during 19th century Canada. Solid makeup fx aside, the movie fails due to the screenwriters disregard for what made the first two films so entertaining and a blind insistence on recreating the wheel. The special bond between the two sisters, the crux of the series’ success, feels forced here, almost as if it had been thrown in during a rewrite after someone realized the mistake. The plot, which granted, isn’t the most important aspect of a horror movie falters as the first hour of the film is used to set up the final 30 minutes. Normally this would be fine except this is the third in a series of film and we all know by know what it is that goes bump in the night. The slow build up does nothing to create tension and instead bored yours truly, never a good sign for a horror flick. The Indian mysticism was an interesting twist on what is a now familiar plot and the director took advantage of his atmospheric setting, but these pluses seemed like a case of too little too late.

Sideways 5/10

Writer/director Alexander Payne has made a career of using humor to detail the more fallible side of our everyday lives and does so once again in Sideways, a story about two friends with little in common on a wine tasting trip. Like his earlier works (About Schmidt and Election) I failed to see much of the humor, nor did I connect with either of his central characters whose morally bankrupt behavior (Church’s in particular) gave me very little reason to. On the brighter side, it was nice to see Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh cast in a movie receiving so much critical acclaim. Hopefully we will be seeing more from these two women in the future. Like many of today’s more cosmopolitan films, Sideways made the country boy in me feel as if I was hanging out with a big city jackass who insists he’s sensitive and intelligent while berating a poor waitress for not knowing the difference between Pinot and Merlot.

Thanks Mose

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Nice reviews, although I disagree with you about Sideways.

Down and out with a nasty cold but I did manage to write a few reviews.

Jaws 9/10

After almost drowning while on vacation in Florida my babysitter decided to treat 12 year old me one to of the most frightening movies of all time, Jaws. Needless to say, I’m still not a big fan of lakes and absolutely refuse to swim in the ocean. As the original Fat Bastard (John Pinette) says, “**** bites you in the ocean!” Much of what was once considered serious now comes across as being humorous to those of us who grew up watching the countless imitations and parodies spawned by the films success, though I was surprised to find the hokieness only makes the film even more endearing. Still, there’s little doubt that Jaws remains an effective horror movie filled with rich characters and will forever be remembered as the movie that launched director Steven Spielberg’s career into the stratosphere.

Bio Zombie 3/10

If you’ve ever been inebriated and wondered what would result from a mix of Clerks, Dawn of the Dead and a host of whacky Asian horror flicks let not your heart be troubled, this and many other of life’s puzzling questions have been answered in Bio Zombie. All kidding aside, this mishmash of clichés stars two lazy VCD store clerks, Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee, who unwittingly release a zombie plague upon their mall. What begins as a horror comedy (Think Dead Alive and Return of the Living Dead) eventually succumbs to the temptation of trying to be a real movie and becomes a little too serious for my liking as it wraps things up. Add in some very bad makeup affects and terrible dubbing (Ditzy surfer dudes from Cali as Hong Kong mall clerks, WTF?) and you have a pretty disappointing movie, though I’ll admit I am in the minority on this one after talking to various Internet buddies. Be forewarned though, if you don’t already know whether or not you enjoy Asian horror I recommend you stay as far away from this one as possible.

The Incredibles 8/10

Long time readers of the site know that for some odd reason I often enjoy a movie more after watching it at home as opposed to the theater. The Incredibles was yet another case of this happening. For some reason the characters seemed more real (I know, it’s animated), the humor funnier, and the satire much more crisp the second time around. Is this because I’m not a big fan of people and don’t enjoy public movie going experiences? Perhaps I was traumatized as a child and have repressed the memory? Or maybe it’s because I have a kickass sound system that really takes advantage of DVD’s like the Incredibles? More than likely the actual reason (and the one most would agree with) is that I am simply an antisocial idiot. Regardless, this fun story of a loving, though troubled family of super heroes forced into the Superhero Relocation Program with the promise of never acting super again never feels like an animated feature, but rather a live action tribute to the super heroes of yesteryear. Director Brad Bird, as he did in the criminally ignored Iron Giant, deals with adult themes in a satirical fashion likely to be missed by younger moviegoers while still managing to convey the central themes of family and being true to ones self in a manner able to be understood by all. Seamlessly weaving together humor, action, and suspense Bird has created a timeless family film and yet another hit for Pixar.

Bloodsport 8/10

It’s never a good sign when the best acting in a movie can be credited to Bolo Yeung’s dancing pectoral muscles. Fortunately Bloodsport isn’t meant to be taken seriously and the subsequent result is a classic B action movie filled with bad acting, marginal fight sequences and 1980’s cheesiness at its finest. Based on the rather dubious real life exploits of Frank Dux, Jean Claude enters the illustrious Kumite martial arts tournament in the hope of honoring his dying sensai, a Japanese martial arts master (played by Chinese actor Roy Chiao. You’ve just gotta love Hollywood!) who initially trained The Muscles from Brussels to be his son’s punching bag.

Thanks yet again to the traumatized, antisocial, big cheese of Toefuzz.

Flight of the Phoenix 5/10

A group of air crash survivors are stranded in the middle of the Gobi dessert with little hope of rescue and dwindling supplies. Realizing their time is limited they turn to the goose stepping, bleached-blond hair sporting, Giovanni Ribisi who does his best to impersonate an S.S. officer as he leads them in constructing a new plane from the wreckage. Featuring paper thing characters and little to no suspense, director John Moore’s remake of what I consider to be a classic has little going for it other than its solid visuals. If you are in the mood for The Flight of the Phoenix do yourself a favor, listen to the Johnny Cash song that opens the film, watch the plane crash and at the 20 minute mark put in the original.

Heh, loved the Bloodsport review

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