I hardly remember anything from my early life.
My early school years weren't too good because I was bullied. I received a lot of love from my mom and grandma, though, so it wasn't terrible altogether. I still remember celebrating the year 2000 with my mom.
Middle school meant less bullying but also countless hours spent playing computer games with nothing else worth mentioning.
The beginning of high school was the beginning of my cinephilia. In 2011, I watched Werckmeister Harmonies for the first time, which changed my life forever. Films quickly replaced computer games as the main way of spending my free time. Almost no bullying at high school either, which was a welcome change from the previous years.
The beginning of college was when I left my town and rented a room in the city. I lived there for a year and my recollections are generally positive. When it comes to the Uni, all the people were cool and the bullying was entirely gone by that time. I even tried socializing, with varying effects, but most friendships were transient and none of them survived till now. The only two friendships from that time that survived were online ones.
After a year of living in a rented room, I moved to an apartment in the same city. My studies continued and I have really great memories of that time. I finally could feel entirely free and I didn't have to share the bathroom with others! Now I also had a big TV versus a small laptop screen, so watching films was much better. Many other perks of living alone in an apartment, too. I naturally took advantage of them all and did nothing apart from studying for exams and watching movies. I hardly ever went out.
The time at Uni felt like a breeze. And so, it went away like a breeze. Around the time of graduating, I fell in love for the first time in my life. She was the most gentle and kind girl I ever met, and she was definitely of unreal beauty. She gave me a reason to go out again. I felt like there was a point to do many things I wouldn't do otherwise. I wanted to do them just because I'd do them with her. But our relationship was short. And the break-up broke my heart.
Thousands of movies followed. I stopped going out again. I couldn't stop thinking about her so I resorted to movie binges and overeating to cope, which was a really dumb thing to do. (Overeating is dumb. Binging movies is the only right way to live!) After I got really big I was concerned with my health so I lost all 45 pounds I had gained in just two months. I still have no idea how that was possible but it definitely wasn't healthy to lose it so fast!
After a couple of years, I went on a date with another girl but it didn't work out at all, and the whole thing was a weak parody of the first thing. I could literally see the exact same things I had done with my girlfriend that I now did with my date, and my new date was inferior in every aspect. So, we both decided this was not it during the second date. I needed only one short walk to get over it. But unfortunately, the fact it didn't work out this time made me think even more about my girlfriend and how special she was. And that made my overeating return. This time it wasn't as harsh as I mastered the skill of using films in a therapeutic way, but the sole fact I wasn't going out at all made me slowly gain more and more weight.
Fast-forward a year and my grandpa died. I had rather sad memories of him from my childhood. He drank a lot and after he returned home he'd argue with my grandma. This was never a good experience for the kid I was back then. However, as my grandpa got older, he stopped drinking and became extremely unselfish. So unselfish that by the time he was properly diagnosed with cancer, he already couldn't stand on his own legs. It was late-stage and he died a month later. He had never told my mom about it before because he knew my mom was already busy taking care of two other family members who couldn't walk and required daily care, so he didn't want to be an additional hassle. He never told anybody about the pain he felt daily, brushing it off as something not as important as helping other family members.
A year after my grandpa passed away, death came for my grandma. She had Alzheimer's and for the last two years, she couldn't recognize me or my mom. She lived in the world of her youth, the village she lived in before the Second World War. She took turns between mistaking my mom for a random nurse and her childhood friend. She took me for her brother who died during the war. There seemed to be rare occasions when she regained her consciousness. That was when she cried and kept repeating "Please kill me, I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live anymore". This was heartbreaking to experience, so while I was sad when she died, I was also glad her suffering had finally ended.
A year after my grandma died, my mom had a stroke. She needed surgery, after which she contracted sepsis. She miraculously survived the sepsis without any major organ damage. But then she caught Covid and died of it while still at the hospital, a month after her stroke. I visited her nearly every day and worked at the same time, which made me exhausted. This was good because I had little time for worrying. I woke up, worked a little, then commuted to another city to visit her, then commuted back home and worked till evening. All I did was mechanical, I felt like a robot. It really hit me only after she had died, but I tried to focus on organizing the funeral, and then on all the inheritance and official stuff, which was good because I had something to occupy my mind with. My job proved a great way to take my mind off it, too. I tried to be very occupied and diligent just so that I don't think about it. I also binge-watched films even harder and rewatched some as therapy. Unfortunately, I also resorted to the unhealthy way of dealing with stuff I knew, which is overeating. I gained over 40 lbs in half a year.
My mom died a year ago. This year I decided to predominantly focus on myself and my health. A few years back I had developed high blood pressure that I resolved to fight with not just drugs but also a healthier lifestyle. I started doing cardio two times a week, then three times, and finally every day. I also focused on my diet and ditched fast food and sweets. I'm now at my lightest in 5 years, but I'm not stopping! My blood pressure averages are within the normal or elevated normal range now, but I want to bring them even lower by fat loss, exercise, and diet. I've never been so motivated in my life. I guess I realize that now I'm all alone and in case something happens to me, there'll be nobody to help. So I want to do everything I can to stay healthy as long as possible.
My life was a time of joys and sorrows. Sometimes it was big joys and small sorrows. Sometimes the other way around. I haven't changed much as a person. I still hate going out but I'll get back to daily walks once it gets colder. For now, I'm doing daily cardio at home, which allows me to stay inside for a week or more, while still moving and losing weight! I watch a lot of movies, too. I talk to three of my best online friends daily. I still don't have any real-life friends.
As for years, ten is too many, but I chose four in chronological order:
2000: My earliest meaningful memory of a New Year's Eve spent with my mom.
2011: The year I became a cinephile.
2017: The year I was in love for the first time.
2023: The year I got back on my feet and finally managed to get on a maintanable fitness routine, which allowed me to stabilize my blood pressure and lose 40+ lbs.
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Look, I'm not judging you - after all, I'm posting here myself, but maybe, just maybe, if you spent less time here and more time watching films, maybe, and I stress, maybe your taste would be of some value. Just a thought, ya know.
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