favorite stand up comic

Jerry Seinfeld.

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Everything I do, I do to make my second stepdad proud.

Mitch Hedberg. Great delivery...because it's so bad.

- "If your friend was a tightrope walker, and you were walking with him down the sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable."

- 'I wish I had an easy to remember number. Something like 222-2222. People would be like 'Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?' And I'd be like 'Just press 2 for awhile. And when I answer you'll know that you've pressed 2 enough.'"

- "It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got, motherf**ker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up.'"

- "With traffic lights, green means go and yellow means hold on, but with a banana its just the opposite. Green means hold on, and yellow means go ahead. And red means 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'"

- "I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine in five years being like, 'hey! Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are BLANK.'"

- "I have a cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for it: cheese shreddrer. They don't call it by its negative name, because no one would buy it: sponge ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips."

- "This guy gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted...but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and I'd get all mad and sh*t. 'C'mon, man, there's gotta be more to that story.'"

- "I always order club sandwiches, but I'm not even a member, man. I dunno how I get away with it.

'I like my sandwich with three pieces of bread.'
'So do I.'
'Well let's form a club, then.'
'Okay then we need some more stipulations.'
'Yes we do.'
'Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again.'
'Yes, four triangles. And we will position them into a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips.'
'Or potato salad.'
'Okay.'
'Let me ask you a question: how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?'
'I'm for 'em!'
'Well this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide.'
'I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts.'
'Well then you're not in the f**king club!'"

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HEY!!! no one has mentioned Brian Reagan. That dude is one funny dude. it's crazy how funny he is. and Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy are great too

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"An Eye for an eye makes the whole world blind"
-Ben Kingsley, GHANDI

"Snozberries taste like snozberries"

Carlos Mencia.....Lewis Black...Mitch Hedberg

it's depends wearing material

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no apologies for crapping in your Cheerios...eat 'em and smile.

While I have way too many to even list, I think Eddie Izzard's Dressed to Kill has to be my all time favorite set.

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Dane Cook: "F**k drinking out of him. If that was me I'd be like: 'No you fix that wall before my Dad gets home from work. He's going to beat me with a belt. He's not going to believe that a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here. You stupid idiot! Yeah, coming through the wall is real f**king cool. No using the front door is cool. Don't touch me you drink! Don't touch me you giant beverage! You are sweating or condensating, I will kick you in the tights and you will go down; you a very top heavy.... You glass b**ch! You glass bastard! "

"Start Your Day The Holy Way, With Christ Chex"

"A TIRE hit Mary in the FACE.
"Well, what was Mary doing putting her face near a tire?"
No, no, no. This tire hunted Mary down. This tire murdered Mary.
This tire was not f*cking around, as we like to say."

"Bees? F*ck Bees. If bees ever attacked me, I'd punch every single one of them in the FACE. Now if it was flying horses, that's some scary s**t man."

"After a car accident. . you gotta exchange information. That sucks cause nobody ever has a pen. "Do you have a pen? I dont have a pen. Can you remember all my s**t? Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?" Then you print your information all nice and neat and when you get theirs it looks like they had a f**king seizure while writing it! "Dude, you got a 28 digit phone #. And under name you drew a picture of a monkey f**king a coconut. What is that? Is your name monkey f**king a coconut sir? MFC is that you? That's a monkey, that could be a melon, looks like a co-co-nut. "

I had more jokes writen out for mitch hedberg and john pinetter here but my computer froze. So here's Dane's

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James Sparrow's Rented Reviews!

The Reaping 7/10
Transformers 8.5/10
Flight of the Living Dead 6/10
The Invisible 6/10
Return to House on Haunted Hill 1/10
Planet Terror 8/10
A Mighty Heart 7/10

I just purcased Richard Pryor Live, and its funny as ****.
I havnt really seen many, Ricky Gervais was good.

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If I'm in a mood where I don't mind listening to a small portion of an act at a time, Mitch Hedberg is great. (Other times too, of course)

Eddie Izzard is worth listening to start to finish.

Also, Bill Cosby and Eddie Murphy.

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Dennis Leary, George Carlin, and Steve Martin

I just bought tickets for Daniel Tosh.

My favorite stand up comedian is Louis C.K followed by Patton Oswalt. I also enjoy Aziz Ansari.

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If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had, does money really even matter?

Dylan Moran/Bill Bailey

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"Life has become immeasurably better since I have been forced to stop taking it seriously."

My favorites are (or were):

Robert Klein

Mitch Hedberg

Andrew Dice Clay (yes he still is funny--catch a live show and see for yourself)

Ellen Degeneres

George Carlin

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Dane Cook is everything that's wrong with comedy. EVERYTHING that is wrong with comedy. EVERYTHING WRONG. Dane Cook. Everything that is wrong. with. Comedy.

(please picture me stomping around and bending over a lot as I say this, then, I will be just as hilarious as Dane Cook)

I was actially picturing you (fully clothed of course) on the pot trying very hard...

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All time: Bill Hicks

Current: Doug Stanhope or Stewart Lee

Louis CK on being broke (give it a chance, it's hilarious):

George Carlin, Steve Martin and Robin Williams in their stand-up heydays, great material and great comic timing, they knew how to deliver a joke.

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