Do I rat on a friend?

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A person doesn't necessarily have to give a concrete reason for a divorce. If it just doesn't work anymore, it's better to step out of it for both parties (unless there are kids involved, which makes it more complicated).
A damaged trust in your partner can perfectly cause this feeling of 'not working anymore' and is by no means "superficial", in my opinion.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
It doesn't really matter what you're certain of, or what someone would advise. That's completely beside the point. Though even then, you assume a level of certainty that doesn't exist in real life. You can't simply declare "and they've been loyal since," because there's no way to know that. And plenty of reason to doubt it, if they've shown themselves willing to violate that trust before. This makes the question abstract at best.

When you learn of the infidelity, your ability to trust that person is damaged. And not being able to trust someone is a pretty darn good reason not to be married to them.
It is a good reason not to marry them if you find out before the marriage. In the scenario that you have been going along with, it is understood there was no infidelity during the marriage and while that might create a problem when it is discovered after the fact, it is ultimately inconsequential. After ten year of faithful marriage they deserve your trust. People mature, you know, and grow. I guarantee you no mainline Christian pastor would have much sympathy with the notion of divorcing someone for straying during an engagement discovered years later if that is the sole reason. A person who would do that is an incredibly un Christian-like, unforgiving, judgmental person.
person.
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It reminds me of a toilet paper on the trees
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If I had a steak, I would f**k it!
I think we all know that minding your own business has limits. You wouldn't say it if someone were planning to commit a crime. Or if they were planning to run out on their family suddenly, or something. The only question is whether or not actively cheating on someone they're about to marry rises to the necessary level. But there's no real universal principle that can be applied here--that's why it's a difficult question, and presumably why it was asked.
You are a wise person



It is a good reason not to marry them if you find out before the marriage. In the scenario that you have been going along with, it is understood there was no infidelity during the marriage and while that might create a problem when it is discovered after the fact, it is ultimately inconsequential. After ten year of faithful marriage they deserve your trust. People mature, you know, and grow. I guarantee you no mainline Christian pastor would have much sympathy with the notion of divorcing someone for straying during an engagement discovered years later if that is the sole reason. A person who would do that is an incredibly un Christian-like, unforgiving, judgmental person.
person.
The "scenario" you mention doesn't exist in reality. Nobody has relationship omniscience. And most people, not having that omniscience, would wonder how much they could trust someone if they learned they had betrayed them that way before. And for good reason.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
If someone wanted to divorce their wife for being unfaithful before they actually got married, but during the actual engagement or dating period... more than likely, there would be other factors at play for why the man (or woman, if it's an unfaithful man) would seek a divorce. Like maybe she hasn't been the best wife, but upon learning this new information, that finally broke the camel's back.

And you know what? That's something that might -- and probably will be the case, I suspect -- happen with this lady if she marries this guy she's currently cheating on. She'll probably be a weak wife. She might not be the best there could be. The husband could always feel this way, but there would be nothing to leave her for... until he learns about what she did in the past. You can't act like it's definitely going to be a happy marriage until she comes out about her past. It absolutely may not be. And with a woman like this -- with what we know of her character -- well, she might not be good to him.
I wasn't talking about her. I was responding to Yoda's notion that in general finding out your marriage partner was unfaithful before you got married would be by itself a marriage killer. I guarantee there are a lot of happily married couples that don't know their partner strayed before they tied the knot.

In this case, what we have is something that can go two ways. Either she starts an outright affair with this guy or she cuts it off. She is clearly at the moment not currently comfortable in the relationship. If I was a betting person, I would bet there isn't going to be a marriage. Let nature take its course no matter what happens.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
If they have been faithful for something like a decade, you should be able to trust them. They might be more trustworthy because they has their little fling before they tied the knot. They got it out of their system already. Before marriage screwing around is not adultry.



If they have been faithful for something like a decade
Which you don't know, and have reason to doubt if they've just told you they betrayed you before.

I'm not sure what part of this isn't getting through, but I'm not doing another lap on this. You go ahead and live by those relationship rules. They're not everyone's, though, which is all that's necessary to make the point.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
Which you don't know, and have reason to doubt if they've just told you they betrayed you before.

I'm not sure what part of this isn't getting through, but I'm not doing another lap on this. You go ahead and live by those relationship rules. They're not everyone's, though, which is all that's necessary to make the point.
The scenario is they have been faithful. A lot of people have marriages where they pretty much know where their other is most of the time. Just because you find out about some fling before marriage doesn't make their behavior during the marriage more suspect.

What is the threshold for ratting on someone during an engagement, a dinner date, internet sex talk, hanging out at a singles bar,an office flirtation?

We don't even know for sure she gave the guy a BJ. Because she says she did? That might be her fantasy, or trying to shock the guy she was talking to. it is very weak stuff to cause trouble for someone.



So...

Has anyone raised the option of using that information to coerce her into having sex with you? She's hot, right?


On a more serious note, if the guy is your friend, tell him. If you don't know him all that well, but are good friends with her, then leave it to her. If she doesn't have the decency to tell him, it's time to reconsider your relationship with her.



There is no one magic line. It depends on lots of things...including the person. That's the point.

And moreover, the initial point was about what might break up a marriage, completely regardless of what you think should. For that reason alone, it's relevant to the OP's predicament.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
So...

Has anyone raised the option of using that information to coerce her into having sex with you? She's hot, right?

We know what you would do.



If she was my friend, and she was hot and I was single, I'd have already made a pass at her.

Meh...



I should probably address some aspersions . I wasnít the recipient of the blowjob. Iíve known her since her undergraduate days. I have no romantic intentions with her. When we first met, I thought about asking her out until I tried having a real conversation. She just canít keep up nor is she interesting to talk to. I canít be witty since sheíll either brush it off or wonít get it. I canít pursue it otherwise. Our friendship has mostly surrounded my help with her professional obstacles, and her help with my personal issues. This is one of the few instances where Iíve been consulted since I donít know the bf that well.

I also joined this forum to discuss films since itís a hobby of mine -- not for other reason,

I hadn't considered loyalty. In my decision since itís a huge part of my soon-to-be vocation. I value the discretion of my friends and I should demonstrate the same integrity. I can deride her actions and make all my own inferences but it she ďmayĒ be undergoing her personal crisis. As with anything, there are multiple considerations which require a personal introspection and compromise. I canít tell the friend by brushing aside my discretion. If I do, I certainly couldn't expect it from others.

So my decision remains to be silent. I will push her to tell him. Aside from that, I can only hope for personal justice for both of them.

As for those who criticize the fact that I would contemplate remaining friends, imagine if one of your male friends had done it. How many would high five or just dismiss it...



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
I couldn't be a friend with someone I didn't think was interesting to talk to.



Chappie doesn't like the real world
As for those who criticize the fact that I would contemplate remaining friends, imagine if one of your male friends had done it. How many would high five or just dismiss it...
That's a pretty unfair and out of left field comment since no one was being sexist (I'm female by the way) and you have no idea how people would respond had you reversed the gender. My comments would have been exactly the same.

I wasn't planning on criticizing you for anything, but why are you her friend? You've painted a horrible picture of her. Not just by describing her behavior, but you called her vapid and uninteresting. I would never talk about my friends like that.



Yeah, I dunno what that's about either. But for the record, if one of my friends did that, I'd insist strongly that they break it off, and if they just flat refused, I'd withdraw from their lives.



will.15's Avatar
Semper Fooey
You've painted a horrible picture of her. Not just by describing her behavior, but you called her vapid and uninteresting. I would never talk about my friends like that.
If she was a guy, would you be friends with someone who is vapid and uninteresting? Despite your protests, I think her main attraction to you is she is a woman you find physically desirable and the real reason you don't make a pass at her is because you fear she would reject you. It really makes more sense that way. A guy can be attracted to a woman whose personality he is not really tuned into because he finds her so very attractive, but how can he be platonic friends if their personalities don't click? If she suddenly said she wanted to be with you, would you turn her down? I don't think so. Why do you say you never made a move? Because she doesn't find you witty and laugh at your jokes. So the real reason is because she is not interested that way in you. If she started laughing at your one liners and smiling at you, you'd be there. She might find another guy witty and laugh at his jokes.



Chappie doesn't like the real world
I'd bet he is attracted to her too. It's the only thing that makes sense in regards to wanting to remain her "friend".