The Joke Thread

Is this a shout box joke?

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"A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have."

Suspect's Reviews

I really don't get the need for starting a thread for sharing a joke..
You could have just posted this in the shoutbox.

EDIT:This post might look odd here.. but it was moved by a MOD along with Gunny's new joke thread.

There is a joke thread somewhere.

Feel free to move it wherever.

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"Certainly there is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and like it, never really care for anything else thereafter." - Ernest Hemingway

If only I had those kinds of powers.

Hay-zeus is an illegal alien, isn't he? Just like Jee-Zus, yes?

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

I do, and I love to merge!

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what do you call a 4 blondes standing in a row?
--wind tunnel

what do you call a blonde who was dyed her hair brown?
--artifically intelligent

I don't know if this thread is dead or if either of these have been posted before, but they're my favorites of all time


Q: What do Santa Claus and the Perfect Man have in common?
A: Neither one exist.

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One day a man was walking along a beach mad at his girlfriend. The man accidentally kicks over a Genie's bottle. Out pops this magnificent Genie.

"Whoa, thanks man! I was stuck in that bottle for ever. I guess I'll grant you a wish for setting me free." says the Genie.

"Hmm, I've never been granted a wish before. Okay, how about this. I want a highway to Hawaii from the California coast. I hate flying, airplanes are scary. I'd love to see Hawaii someday but I can't get on a plane. So, that's my wish. I want a highway to Hawaii."

The Genie pauses.

"Wow, that's huge. I don't know if that's possible. I mean, consider all the construction involved. The hazard pay, the amount of concrete, the engineering. It's just not possible. You're gonna have to come up with another wish."

A bit distraught, the man thinks up another wish.

"Uh.. okay. Look, all I really want in this world is to understand women. What makes women tick? Why are they so emotional? I just want to understand them. That is my wish. I wish to understand women, Genie."

The genie strokes his beard for a moment and says, "Was that two lanes or four...."

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"Well all women are a little bit crazy, brotha." ~ Desmond

Meet The Liberal Elite

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The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
Puzzled, the bride replies, “I can’t wear your pants, they are way too big for me.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
He then proceeds to take off his shoes and hands them to her saying "try these on!"
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your shoes, they are way also too big for me.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that too! You will never be able to fill my shoes!”
After a quick thought the bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your panties!”
calmly she replies, “And you never will again if you don’t change your attitude.”

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“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

A skydiver jumps out of a plane. When it comes time to pull his ripcord, nothing happens. So he pulls his emergency chute. Nothing happens. He looks down at the ground rushing to meet him and sees something coming up that looks like a speck. As it gets bigger he realizes it's a human, and even bigger, it's a woman in a housecoat and curlers coming towards him. As they pass each other, he says, "Hey lady, you know anything about parachutes?" She says, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"

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Under-the-radar Movie Awesomeness.
http://earlsmoviepicks.blogspot.com/

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

At St. Patrick's Day party, a midget dressed as a leprechaun approached a tall blonde woman and slurred, Hey honey whaddya say to a little f..k? "
She looked down at him and promptly replied, " Hello, you little f..k. "

In this tough economy, an educated woman was forced to apply for a job in a lemon grove. After the foreman had reviewed her resume, he frowned and said. " I must ask, do you have any actual experience in picking lemons? "
" As a matter of fact I have, " she answered.
" I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama. "