Girl Problem (cont.)

I tried that. Clearly, it didn't last. I mean, I got downright mean at one point, and she just sat there saying, "Yup, I deserve it, you are a better person than i am etc. etc."

What do you say to that? My situation is quite different tho...

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The girl clearly has other things she has to deal with before she could ever be in a proper relationship with you, she doesn't know if she wants you, she doesn't treat you well, she consciously sends you mixed signals in order to keep you around while at arms length until she gets bored or lonely.

She isn't willing to even talk about relationships with you or about how to fix things. She doesn't seem to be willing to make up her mind.

I can understand wanting to be with her because there is a slight chance things will be as good as they had been, but I honestly think all signs point to her not wanting to change anything.

I agree with the ex, I think it's a good idea for you to be the one to end things. You seriously, seriously deserve better than the **** she is putting you through.

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A devilish combination of slightly bored and quite hungry

Isn't it funny how an ex can (unfortunately, usually after the relationship ends) know exactly what you need and what was good for you. The irony astounds me, often.

There is only one person I have dated that I have had little or no contact with since breaking up with them. I have always had female friends, some beginning with attraction, others just platonic, but I always find myself being tugged into a lifelong friendship with a woman rather than a man, not really pertinent, but interesting.

I don't think the message needs to be that terse, but I do agree that you should be the one to formally move on. I remember a relationship I had in college she was this beautiful blonde (an exception for me) athletic young woman from upstate New York (you may be able to see where this is going, remember it was the early 90's before couples of mixed ancestry were widely accepted) we both brought a lot of baggage into the relationship, and the fact that her father (who I later found out was abusive) not approving of me didn't help. We did the very same dance you and yours did, and it nearly killed me. It was the very first real and serious relationship for me besides one other that lasted only a short while, we had amazing sex, shared so much music and book-wise (both English majors) and had the most heated arguments I have ever had with anyone save my current partner.

The relationship was very intense, all my relationships are. And I rarely close the door to friendship afterwards (something that is haunting me currently with the one I mentioned briefly before the blonde). But in this case, I have no need to contact her, we were better off as friends who think of each other occasionally than casual acquaintances. I got one letter from her about 15 years ago to which I never replied, I was just done.

You can't put love in a box. Can't contain it, it doesn't work that way. Sometimes as in this case, distance and time will not heal, but it will transform the experience into a learning one. Have faith (and I never use that word lightly) in the fact that you did the right thing and saved your heart in the process, even if it is broken, it can heal over time.

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"You have to believe in God before you can say there are things that man was not meant to know. I don't think there's anything man wasn't meant to know. There are just some stupid things that people shouldn't do." -David Cronenberg

Well. Some time has elapsed since I last visted this forum for advice on this subject.

December 6th was the last time we had a conversation over the phone. It was when she was at the airport.


Since then we have texted each other everyday, but very sparingly.

We said goodnight to each other, over texts, every night.

Then last night happened.

I called, she picked up and said she needed to call me right back.

She never did.

I sent her a goodnight and she sent one back.

Today things fell through and we text fought and at the end we both came to the conclusion that we should just move on since we are continously hurting each other. She admitted that she still has feelings for me but is not sure if she loves me or not. I said, lets move on.

She said, "Fine. x0x0"

And that was that.

You would think that I would just walk away and move on at this point, but nay my friends. I'm an idiot.

I couldn't stand the thought of her moving on. So I wanted to rectify the situation. I sent her this email:

"This is the very first way you contacted me. So I find this to be an appropriate way to contact you at the moment.


I wanted to give you a letter I know you would have liked before you left, but I couldn't since you didn't have time before the airport. I brought it with me , not knowing why. I guess I just wanted it to reach high altitude whether on your flight or mind. I know, I have a fantastical mind. It was a good letter, I'll still send it to you if you like. But in any case, hokay..

I didn't think it would come to this. But we are in a toxic dance and I feel like your feelings for me wane as time goes by and with each pointless fight. I feel as though, the less we talk the less you'll think of me. Its a fine line between giving you space and ignoring you. You asked for the space, so that is why I don't call, I waited for you to feel like you wanted to talk.I'm a little high strung about the ordeal, and I know your mixed emotions are not exactly your cup of tea. But its hard to think of you not looking at me the way that you used to. Its hard not knowing how you feel, or having to guess how you feel. This was so easy before, you always let me know exactly how you feel. After thanksgiving things changed, and they continue to change, which is to be expected. But I didn't think it would be such that I was never "in the know." Essentially what it comes down to is not wanting the way you view me to be supluncted by our arguements, all of which are about pretty much the same thing.

I love it when you send me cute texts, I love it when its about something we've done in the past, even if its SO stupid.

I suppose that what we agreed on, even though it sucks, is a good thing to do. I'm tired of being an accomplice to how bad you feel. You once said to me, "It hurts to love you." I can't let you hurt. I'll walk away having spent some redick times with you that I'll never forget, while at the same time making this easier for you.

Who knows, maybe when you get back from the most amazing place on earth, you'll feel differently about me. Maybe you'll have sorted out your feelings, and the time apart between us will give us a chance of actually having something. Maybe you'll come back and realize I was the biggest mistake you ever made. Maybe you think that now. Maybe being just friends is a task that may actually work when you come back. I don't know and I don't think you do either.

I hope that you find whatever it is you are looking for. And I still hope that maybe what you're looking for is a distance of only .0005cm between your lips and mine with a few sprinkles of "leeetle keeeses" and some "beeg hugs". Maybe I'm crazy and blind, but I do believe you already knew that.

Don't be afraid to let a little emotion slip my way every now and then, we're human.I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay home. Keep me in your thoughts when it doesn't hurt, I'll keep you in mine.

Goodbyes only last until the next time we meet."


The purpose of that letter is to let her know that I don't want to close the door forever.


She read it, because the email reciept said she did. She did not respond, and I don't really expect her to.

But I wonder if I've done the right thing. Or if shes just going to move on.

It hurts. I'm hurt, I know she's hurt. But I'm afraid she'll move on. Thats my plan too, to move on. But a part of me wants her the way I had her.

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Δύο άτομα. Μια μάχη. Κανένας συμβιβασμός.

I can't exactly say I wasn't warned, by you, by my close friends, by her even. But I do believe things have come to a complete death.

She came back from california, we saw each other twice-both times we were intimate and things were generally the same as they were before.

Last night we got into a fight on the phone, in which i dragged it out of her that she has been secretly cutting her emotions for me, and that she has days when she really cares about me in a positive attitude, and other days when she feels like there's no point in caring about me.

One then led to another and we fought, she said I was demanding and that she just now realized that she has to cut her emotions for me like she has been trying to do. I said fine and that I love her, she said she loved me too.

That was last night.

As if to punish me somehow, God woke up me up this morning at 6 am...i never wake up that early..i usually wake up at 11:30 am..a five hour difference. Thats five more hours of me thinking about her.

God I'm such a fool, such a sap, I should have seen this coming. I cannot, I still cannot let go of all the things we did and said to each other.

I want to move on, but I know I'll be doing it for the wrong reasons..I know i'll want to move on only because "its the only way you can get her to want you" and not because I actually need to get over her for my own sanity.


The thought of her actively trying and working towards falling out of love with me is so painful it stops me from doing it. I'm so ****ed up in the head right now. I think if I want to I can just call her up and apologize for the fight and tell her I want to start over again, and that she would probably would, but I'm afraid things will fall right back down where they used to be. On the other hand she might not even answer because she really is done. From the way things went last night and our closing remarks it sounded pretty much over with, minus the fact that we both still love each other.

I want to hang on to the belief that she won't succeed in falling out of love with me, that she'll realize that she wants things to be the same way when we first met and she'll call me up and start things anew and fresh. But my experience tells me better, tells me I'll dwell on this for a few months..hoping to hear from her...and one day I'll wake up not remembering that I want to hear from her.

I just don't want that. I dont want this to be over, and I keep feeling like..if I hadn't said anything or if I just kept my cool or if..or if or if that she wouldn't have "realized" that she wanted to loosen up her feelings for me.

I wake up this morning, shes checked my myspace profile twice already. And her msn away message reads: "catch the next one"

**** me.

oh and also..

Every time the phone rings or someone sends me a text..its like I'm hoping its her.

Its going to be so hard getting over this one.

I keep thinking maybe I should call her and say..can we meet up one last time..its been a week since i last saw you and i just want to see you again and talk about this in person before we let this thing die.

I'm this close to doing it..to calling her..or just texting her "this is really stupid, why cant we just be friends'

It sounds almost as if you are becoming obsessed with this girl. I would lose contact with her right away before the obsession gets worse. Get some counselling. She is so totally leading you on; it's not cute in the slightest. She is making you sick, mentally and I only imagine physically.

In my experience, of dealing with a relationship thats run its course, it's better to just leave it be. Equilibrium, to be honest man your to good for her. Its not worth hurting yourself or making the situation worse. I had the same exact problem and in a way I see myself when I glance at your predicament. Lets just say I continued to torment myself, and things got worse oh so much worse. To make a long story short my sister got in a fight with my ex girlfriend, and thats how it ended. Such a bittersweet ending.

Don't let things get worse. End it with a calm note. Think about it as getting older and getting over it. Plus there is the other fish in the sea factor

so i wrote you private messages so you know how i feel ... and you say you saw all our warnings.

when you are fixed on something, and the signs are bad, and you keep chasing it ... it'll just end badly. so even if you send her a text or an email or a phone call - yes, it'll keep going this route again.

it is NOT going to get better. that's what i believe. i could always be wrong, but while you may want her back the way it used to be ....

it's as useless as wanting to be 6 years old again and carefree.

it is never going to happen the way you want it to, not in this lifetime. no amount of self hating, agonizing, sleeplessness, prayer, advise seeking, counselling, drinking, dancing, self deceit, etc ...

... is ever going to change that fact.

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life without movies is like cereal without milk. possible, but disgusting. but not nearly as bad as cereal with water. don't lie. I know you've done it.

Thmlin, I beg to differ.

Things are..back to the way they were.

Don't get me wrong, this is still going to end in tears for everyone involved.