'Straightman' movies.

Let's see...
Dense, silly technobabble
Bad acting
Overwrought histrionics
Absurdly ridiculous incidents (things that make you say "you've got to be kidding me!")

What movie has all this and so much less?

Well, it's a bad, pulpy, ugly little flick. It's a adapted from a Peter Benchley novel actually, but there aren't any sea monsters in it...at least, not of the kind with fins or tentacles. Michael Caine plays a New York newspaper reporter who goes down to the Caribbean, with his like twelve-year-old son in tow, to investigate some of the Bermuda Triangle disappearances. One he gets there he finds out what it really is: nothing supernatural at all but a group of dirty, murderous, modern day pirates led by David Warner who kill and pillage at will, and are only half a step up from the freakazoids in The Hills Have Eyes. The only reason they don't kill Caine right off is after a couple hundred years of living this way they are an inbred lot, and with few young left they need him to breed with the one childbearing female-pirate to make strong new brigands to rape and kill anew. They also recruit his son, who in a rebellious streak buys into their claptrap about being a true alpha male, etc. So Caine has to figure out a way to escape and also reprogram his boy without getting himself killed. It's really more of a horror movie than an adventure tale once the pirates start menacing and killing. Just a nasty little B-movie that somehow stars Michael Caine.

It was directed by Michael Ritchie (Fletch, The Bad News Bears, The Candidate), and it's really a low-point for him. He did another really pulpy, nasty movie years before this one, Prime Cut (1972) with Lee Marvin, Sissy Spacek and Gene Hackman. And while that's just as depraved if not more so than The Island, it doesn't leave me with the same taste in my mouth. Ennio Morricone did the score for The Island, so it does have a decent pedigree...which probably makes how grimy it is all the more disappointing. I do kind of like the bloody ending, not for the blood but just for how abrupt and over-the-top it is. You haven't truly lived until you've seen Michael Caine gun down forty-three people in a span of about eight and-a-half seconds. But overall, it's a real seedy little piece that none of these talented people should have been messing around with. Deliverance or Straw Dogs it ain't. Without any poetry or substance it's just exploitative and icky.


But for all those reasons it would make a good movie to sit around and make fun of. I think.

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"Film is a disease. When it infects your bloodstream it takes over as the number one hormone. It bosses the enzymes, directs the pineal gland, plays Iago to your psyche. As with heroin, the antidote to Film is more Film." - Frank Capra

If Van Helsing ends up working for you then I imagine the The League Of Extraordinary Gentleman will also fit the bill. Kinda the same movie really in a lot of ways. Also I have a couple others for you that you may enjoy dissecting.

Wing Commander (1999), It's Fredie Prinze Jr. in outer space do I really need to say more?

The Time Machine (2002), with Guy Pearce and some hot model that was big that week.

Cyborg 2 (1993), with Angelina Jolie and Jack Palance no less this one may qualify as to much but you can check it out and decide for yourself. I have about 300 of these mediocre sci-fi/horror flicks if you're into them. Some of them are just bad but these first three may do the trick for you.

On a so called dramatical note there is a film called Harvard Man. It starts out with Sarah Michelle Gellar getting nailed in her dorm room and then it gets all serious.

And to top it off I give you one that I actually wanted to like but it's just to much to ask really.


Bad Girls (1994) I suppose this is a western but I'm not to sure, It has a pretty good cast and its got horses in it. So it may be a western I'll have to defer to the professionals on this one.

Thanks for that review of The Island Holden that is so right up my alley.

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We are both the source of the problem and the solution, yet we do not see ourselves in this light...

Oh my, Peter Benchley. See, now I have to watch this. I already have The Deep, Jaws, The Creature, and The Beast. Although the last two are just recorded from cable. That is too funny. I'm such a dork, I'll probably like this. Well, I love Michael Caine, anyway.

Right there with ya then.

The Island (1980) is not yet on DVD (not R1 or R2 for sure, and I don't think anywhere...not legally, anyway). Nor do I suspect there are any plans to rush it out anytime soon. I have it on VHS, actually a DVR I burned from VHS, so it's not a very good sound or video quality. You'll need a really good independent video store that's been around since the 1980s and still has a decent playable VHS copy on their shelves. I know the great video store in Portland, Movie Madness, they have it, but they have most things.

Yeah I didn't think it was, I have a ton of those types of movies on VHS still and I also have a pretty decent Independent Video store nearby that may have it still. I'm south of Seattle by about 20 miles and to far to go to get to Scare Crow Video which has a pretty good selection but the one nearby me isn't to shabby.

Oh, yeah, Scarecrow Video in Seattle is great! They will very probably have it.



In fact, I just checked their website and they do indeed have a VHS copy for rental. Or at least, they're supposed to.

Well, I saw The Island on the big screen when it came out, and although I thought it was a weird choice for Michael Ritchie to direct, I thought it was OK, probably because I actually thought some of it was supposed to be funny. I haven't seen it for probably 20 years, and I recall it getting worse as it went along, but I'd watch it again if I got the chance.

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

Well, I don't have any of those stores, and the ones I have, could take forever, and a wild chance as well, to ever get such a movie, but my homepage, Amazon.com, has it for . . .

$13.99
+ $2.98 shipping

Comments: ex-rental, tape plays great, original box exactly as shown and has been cut into a plastic rental clamshell case, genuine MCA/Universal Pictures release.

Damn, check out how high those prices go . . .

The Island

That's why I go to half.com for my movies.

Yes, but you couldn't find those 5 that you asked me about, and I found 3 of them at Amazon. It really just depends on how badly you want a certain film. I'm hardly saying I spend loads for mine. There is a reason I have so many. I go to stores that are closing down, and buy them dirt cheap. I hit the best sales whenever I can. Although I will say that I can't stand ebay, or anything associated with them. To each their own, though.

You never know. Just keep checking them for those five films. They will appear eventually, I bet.

Did you see this yet, Powderedwawa? I did, over a week ago. I'm so behind in posting what I've seen. The first thing I will say is, I'm not that big of a dork, after all. Oh my god! Holden is right though, I'm cracking up just thinking about some of these scenes, so yes, it works great for what this person was looking for.

Two to three of the scenes had some shock value to them. Well, surprise attacks, and me not knowing how gross it was going to get. Covering my eyes cured that like it always does. As far as this part . . .

That's one kid that doesn't need much pressure from his peers. He didn't even think about it. It's not like he hated his father, so this made no sense at all. If anything truly made me mad in this movie, it was that. I can't believe I had a strong emotion over something in this film.

So, all in all, it started good enough, then I became curious as to what would happen to them once they made it there, then about half way through I thought, "Why am I watching this?", but to agree with Holden one more time . . .

I want to snag that scene. It was hilarious, and yes, fast. Top that scene, Commando!

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Supergirl (1984)
Bewitched (2005)
Waterworld (1995)

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Undercoverlovers 100 REDUX

If you don't mind subtitles I suggest Calamari Wrestler.

Those are the movies I have now.

It's funny, but I didn't realize you posted Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band in this thread. Something tells me it's going to suck.



So, I watched this last week, and it has taken me forever to get done with this post . At first, any clip I took, was too long for photobucket, and then, the Plextor messed up. I'm over it, so I only saved one, and it looks pretty bad. It's just a cute scene with James Spader, and Robert Downey Jr. You gotta love the clothes, and music. Oh, and check out those moves. I sure wish I could dance like that.
I have to admit that I got a kick out of this movie. It was hardly just a comedy, but a lot of the serious scenes make you laugh, as well. OK, I'll admit that that one scene did get a gasp out of me. It sure was amazing how his father was kicking all of their asses, but I wasn't expecting them to shoot the old man. The warehouse scene was cool, too. Well, except for poor Robert's leg.
I can see why this movie is in this thread. Everytime you get into what is going on, the next thing you know, you have the clothes, music, and dancing, once again distracting you from taking it seriously. I'm sure I laughed more than I was suppose to, but that's a big part of what makes it fun to watch. Here's one of the "It's suppose to be funny" scenes . . .



Powdered Wawa, you may like this movie. Check it out when you can. What I want to know is, have you seen The Island yet?

Speaking of, here is a spoiler scene, that he already wrote about, and since I doubt anyone here ever views this movie, I'm posting it.



So, in the end, I can't stand The Island, I really got a kick out of Tuff Turf, and I still haven't watched Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I might add that it will be a damn long time before I do.

Another one of Tom Hanks' movies. His first film, actually.

He Knows You're Alone (1980)

No I still haven't seen it yet, that was a great post D! You didn't like that ending? What's not to love? Now I seriously want to see this.

No, I like that ending just fine. I said it was the movie that sucked.