The Joke Thread

"HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY"
by Jane Fonda

"MY BEAUTY SECRETS"
by Janet Reno

"HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE"
by John Denver

"MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS"
by Dan Marino

"THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL"
by HILLARY CLINTON

"MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE"
by Osama Bin Laden

"THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD"
by Bill Gates

"THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY"
by Dennis Rodman

"MY WILD YEARS"
by Al Gore

"AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC"

"AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS"

"DETROIT: a Travel Guide"

"A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES"
by DR. J. Kevorkian

"EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN"

"EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN"

"ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE"
by Ellen deGeneres

"MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE"

"SPOTTED OWL RECIPES"
by the EPA

"THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY"

"MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS"
by O. J. Simpson

"MY BOOK OF MORALS"
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev.Jessie Jackson

__________________
it's better to have loved and lost
than to live with the psycho
for the rest of your life

How do you tell that a car is from Jamaica??

From the reggaestration plates.

__________________
The novelist does not long to see the lion eat grass. He realizes that one and the same God created the wolf and the lamb, then smiled, "seeing that his work was good".

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They had temporarily escaped the factories, the warehouses, the slaughterhouses, the car washes - they'd be back in captivity the next day but now they were out - they were wild with freedom. They weren't thinking about the slavery of poverty. Or the slavery of welfare and food stamps. The rest of us would be all right until the poor learned how to make atom bombs in their basements.

A bloke walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' exclaims the bloke.

The barman says 'Yes'

So the bloke glances over at the menu and asks, 'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?'

Certainly sir,' replies the bartender, 'but that all comes to real money.'

'How much money?' inquires the bloke.

'Four cents,' he replies

'Four cents!' exclaims the bloke. 'Where's the fella who owns this place?'

The barman replies 'Upstairs with my wife.'

The bloke says, What's he doing with your wife?'

The bartender replies 'The same thing I'm doing with his business.'

__________________
~ Nikki ~

"I'm your hell, I'm your dream.......I'm nothing in between.......You know you wouldn't want it any other way".........

"Listen, when I slap you, you'll take it and like it"..........Humphrey Bogart..........Maltese Falcon.......

Graze on my lips and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie...........William Shakespeare.......

Prison VS Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
At work, you spend most of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

In prison, you get 3 meals a day.
At work, you only get one break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison, you get time off for good behaviour.
At work, you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
At work, you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself

In prison, you can watch TV and play games.
At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, you get your own toilet.
At work, you have to share.

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work, you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison, you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave anytime.
At work, there are some programs you can neverget out of.

In prison, there are sadistic guards.
At work, you have managers.

Things You Musn't Say.........

To A Policeman......

'I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.'

'Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.'

'Aren't you one of the Village People.'

'Hey! You must've been doin' about 160 kilometres per hour to keep up with me! Good job!'

'Excuse me. Is "stick up" hypernated?'

'I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer?'

'I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.'

'Bad cop! No donut!'

'You're not going to check the trunk, are you?'

'Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on TV news the other night?'

Is it true that people become cops because they can't get work at McDonalds?'

'I pay your salary you know!!'

Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us does.'

I was trying to keep up with the traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around _ thats how far ahead of me they are.'

'What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.'

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

hmmm.....ok

What time does michael jackson go to bed?
When the big hand touches the little hand...

I did't get this joke at all, anyone want to explain?

__________________
instrumental rock band that I am in.

I'm not saying anything......

my lips are sealed......for once

Attachments

 

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign ................ What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium ................. What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan ................ Searching for the cat.

Cauterize .......... Made eye contact with her.

Colic ............... A sheep dog.

Coma ............... A punctuation mark.

D&C ................ Where Washington is.

Dilate ............. To live longer than your kids do.

Enema ............. Not a friend.

Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula ............ A small lie.

G.I.Series ......... World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail ........... What you hang your coat on.

Impotent ........... Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain .......... Getting hurt at work.

Morbid .............. A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates ............ Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff ....... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node .................... I knew it.

Outpatient .............. A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis ................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative ........... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room .... Place to do upholstery.

Secretion ....... Hiding something.

Tablet .......... A small table to change babies on.

Seizure .......... Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness .... Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor ............... More than one.

Urine ............... Opposite of mine.

Varicose ............ Near by.

Hospital ............ The biggest building in town, other than Ed's feed warehouse

Hmmmmmm...a thought ..................

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why aren't haemorrhoids called 'asteroids'?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff?

Attachments

 

What did they call Air Force One in the 19th century??

Air Horse One

What is the german word for vaseline?
deeveenershlider

for bra?
stoppenzeefromfloppen

for virgin?
goodundtite

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, you dumb idiot, for the last time, I said "BRING POSSE"!

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"Today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

__________________

This guy just finishes a date with his gf, brings her up against the door and kisses her, suddenly he gets this horny urge. So he leans back against the wall and says "babe will u give me a BJ" to which the gf replys " Joe are u crazy its 12 30, not to mention we're in front of my house" Joe says "no one will know come on" suddenly the gf's sister comes outside in her pj's and says "dad says its okay for u to give joe a bj, in fact if u dont want too mom or he will, but could u ask joe not to lean on the intercom button"

Question: What is the definition of tiny?














Answer: Is It In



Women, LOL Over this one, and Men strained laughter.

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

Ok now....has anyone heard of any good yo mama jokes?????

I got one :


Your mothers so big that she sat on a rainbow and got Skittles

What do you call a man with no hands?



Nothing, other than his name. It's a terrible thing to have prejudice over someone who is less fortunate than yourself.

Just don't call him handy and you'll be okay.