The Joke Thread

Simple. Post your jokes here and if you like the above person's joke then give him a positive rep!

Okay, I'll start: (you can tell more than one joke)

A woman in a Jewellery shop admiring a big diamond ring, she bends over to take a closer look when a fart sneaks out... Hoping nobody noticed she asks the assistant how much it is? The assistant replies "Madam if you farted just looking at it you'll crap yourself when you find out the price.

I have one but it's to gross, dirty and inappropriate =\

I got one!



A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

I wanna hear it!

There's already a joke thread. That said.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum. I believe the title is misleading because it is actually full of stuff.

What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a beer please." and the second one says, "I'll have half of what he's having." The third one says, "I'll have a fourth of a beer." The fourth one says, "I'll have an eighth of a beer." The bartender says, "Oh, screw you all" and pulls out two beers.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

How does a blind parachutist tell when the ground is close?
The leash on his guide dog goes slack.

A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says "I'm sorry, you can't participate in our service today."
The higgs-boson particle says "What?! You can't have mass without me!"

Why are there no painkillers in the rainforest?
Because it's economically infeasible to market drugs to a place where there are very few people.

"I used to be a necrophiliac, but the rotten c--- split on me."

...ok, I set the bar very low, now please proceed....

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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style ..........it makes your nose look too short."

Love Grandma

what do you get if you drop a Piano down a gold pit/shaft?

A Flat Miner

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"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michelangelo.

A witch who was in the process of divorcing her husband sent away for a mail order bride that she found in a catalog so her ex-husband won't have to be lonely. But, when the mail order bride, a witch from Russia, arrived, our divorce happy witch wasn't too happy with her - she was too fat and yet prettier than her in the face, which was a no-no, so she boiled the mail order bride in a stew and she and her soon-to-be ex-husband ate her for dinner. The next day, the witch went to her yoga class where she saw a bulletin on the bulletin board advertising witch brides in the area, so after her class she called the phone number listed and a voice that sounded like Whoopi Goldberg's answered and informed her that, yes, they did still have some witch brides available if she wanted any.

So, the witch drove all the way across town to buy one of these witch brides. She turned up at a nice pink house where a charming old black lady was waiting for her outside. Turns out she only had one witch bride left, and the horrible thing was that she was shy and deformed and didn't want to be seen until another witch more advanced than she cast a spell on her and made her right. The witch seeking witch agreed to do it so they went inside and they found her and if you were expecting this all to lead to a funny punchline, well, the joke's on you, there isn't one, you wasted your time, HA HA HA HA HA.

A hot girl asked to the professor "I would do anything if you let me pass"..
professor:"Anything ?"..

Girl:"Anything.."

professor:"Then study.."

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Special of the day History of the day

Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses the highest quality ingredients.

Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of water.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish.

Why does the Mafia hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
The Mafia doesn't like any witnesses.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?!?"

I didn't understand this at first and now I think I might, but I don't find it laugh inducing.

So... a baby seal walks into a club.

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