+2
Felt like getting a little reflective and this seemed like the most relevant thread.
So like, before I transitioned there were so many things I wanted to do with my life but I just didn't ever try. Back in school I wanted to perform in the theater department, play guitar, write creatively, and just like soak up every bit of life the world has to offer. But, and this is hindsight speaking, I was trapped in a dark world where sunlight rarely touched. I had so many messed up conceptions in my head about gender, and I remember how the guys who performed in theater got gay bashed (even if they weren't gay). It was a large part of why I didn't do anything creatively in high school.
I can look back now and distinctly remember that whenever I felt the pull to be creative that my inner voice would tell me that to do so would reveal the struggles I was experiencing. That I would be subjected to slurs and bullied, and I had just put an end to the bullying I experienced in middle school by rigorously spewing venom back at my tormentors. If bullies came at me I'd go straight for the jugular and make a mockery of them. This is precisely why I was a real ******* when I first joined up here.
Well, here I am now: almost 4 years into my transition and I will tell you that the person I've just described is a stranger to me.
Being honest with myself has allowed me to free myself from all the negative feedback loops that exist in my head when it comes to things I want to do with my life. Of course, I still experience those loops occasionally, but I am now able to tell myself that I need to give zero ****s and live my truth.
TL; DR: I stopped self-destructing after I came out. I allowed myself to breath creatively and, in turn, love myself.