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COMMANDO
(directed by Mark L. Lester, 1985)
** Review Requested by Iroquois **
Iroquois! What was so important about me seeing Commando? Was it because of Bennett, the homosexual lead bad guy who looks like he belongs in a sleazy S&M club? Did you check out his outfit, particularly his chainy shirt? He wasn't a very good idea for a bad guy up against Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Commando is a balls to the wall action movie that is glamorously violent. A real masculine movie. But it's also at times rather silly and cartoonish and at some points, dull. Other times, it's on fire, such as during the scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger kills a black pimp on a plane and then escapes from it before it takes off (the plane that is, not the black pimp gone all zombie.) After an opening sequence involving bad guys killing off a bunch of army guys who are trying to now lead normal lives, they attack their last target -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays a guy called Matrix. A young Alyssa Milano plays Matrix's daughter and she ends up kidnapped. The bad guys want Matrix to go kill some president in a foreign country, but it ain't happening. The scene where he first goes after the bad guys after they've descended upon his secluded home and taken his daughter is phenomenal. Arnold Schwarzenegger is one hell of a man. You can feel the testosterone just oozing from the screen -- Chaz Bono probably uses Commando for medicinal purposes.
Later... we're introduced to this black chick with big hair and a blue mini-skirted suit (Rae Dawn Chong -- I had no idea she was Asian) who gets in the middle of things when one of the bad guys hits on her in an airport and Arnold Schwarzenegger later rips the passenger seat out of her two-door sports car and kidnaps her, taking her to the galleria where he goes and plays Tarzan using these big balloons hung from the mall ceiling. This character - Cindy - is a real piece of work. She just so happens to be studying to be a pilot or something, so she comes in real good handy for Arnold when he has to get a plane and fly to, I dunno, Mexico or something like it. At other times, she is screaming furiously about how awful Arnold and the bad guys fighting is because it's so macho. She disappears in the last act, at least -- waiting on board her plane/boat thing and calling for help. There is a pretty rad scene, though, in which she and Arnold go shopping for weapons and things at an army surplus store -- Cindy pushes a shopping cart around while Arnold loads it up with badass goodies. Later, she pretends to be a prostitute that knows how to use a rocket launcher -- although, she accidentally launches some rockets in the wrong direction, at first.
The film is much like the Sylvester Stallone films that I've already seen, such as the Rambo movies and Cobra. I was also reminded of the Pam Grier blaxploitation films like Coffy and Foxy Brown. As much as I love Sylvester Stallone, I have to say, though, that I think Arnold Schwarzenegger is a much better action star. Commando is very good and that's in large part thanks to Schwarzenegger's personality. However, the kill scenes go on and on and on, especially in the last act, which got boring. The final fight between Schwarzenegger and the knife wielding Fairy Godmother felt forced and not all that spectacular. Very typical, cheap and easy ending, which is surprising because most of Commando was actually filled with a lot of surprises and twists and moments of, "How the hell is he going to get out of this?" thoughts.
And of course, Iroquois, it wouldn't be a full Sexy Celebrity review without commenting on the beefcake -- supplied 100% by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a ravishing beauty. Glorious. Simply glorious. And at full sexiness in the last act when he's got black stripes painted all over his face and body and when he's wearing the military fatigue vest with the grenades dangling from it. I would love to have him as a daddy and have him come rescue me. That Alyssa Milano, she was so spoiled -- not only did she get raised by Arnold Schwarzenegger, but she also called Tony Danza her boss! What a lucky lady. And you know, I can understand Arnold Schwarzenegger wanting to save her and everything, but think about all of the dead people he kills along the way -- those dead people had parents who probably care about them. It's very arrogant to kill all of those people just so Alyssa Milano can live.
Oh, and I also wondered what was happening in that motel room that Arnold Schwarzenegger burst into that had the naked man and woman hiding under the covers -- the woman was on top of the man and the man was below her with his ass to her crotch. I thought it looked kinda kinky.
Well, Iroquois, there you go. Commando review written and finished. Thanks for urging me to see it -- I'm glad I did.
Now go let off some steam, bitch.
(directed by Mark L. Lester, 1985)
** Review Requested by Iroquois **
Iroquois! What was so important about me seeing Commando? Was it because of Bennett, the homosexual lead bad guy who looks like he belongs in a sleazy S&M club? Did you check out his outfit, particularly his chainy shirt? He wasn't a very good idea for a bad guy up against Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Commando is a balls to the wall action movie that is glamorously violent. A real masculine movie. But it's also at times rather silly and cartoonish and at some points, dull. Other times, it's on fire, such as during the scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger kills a black pimp on a plane and then escapes from it before it takes off (the plane that is, not the black pimp gone all zombie.) After an opening sequence involving bad guys killing off a bunch of army guys who are trying to now lead normal lives, they attack their last target -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, who plays a guy called Matrix. A young Alyssa Milano plays Matrix's daughter and she ends up kidnapped. The bad guys want Matrix to go kill some president in a foreign country, but it ain't happening. The scene where he first goes after the bad guys after they've descended upon his secluded home and taken his daughter is phenomenal. Arnold Schwarzenegger is one hell of a man. You can feel the testosterone just oozing from the screen -- Chaz Bono probably uses Commando for medicinal purposes.
Later... we're introduced to this black chick with big hair and a blue mini-skirted suit (Rae Dawn Chong -- I had no idea she was Asian) who gets in the middle of things when one of the bad guys hits on her in an airport and Arnold Schwarzenegger later rips the passenger seat out of her two-door sports car and kidnaps her, taking her to the galleria where he goes and plays Tarzan using these big balloons hung from the mall ceiling. This character - Cindy - is a real piece of work. She just so happens to be studying to be a pilot or something, so she comes in real good handy for Arnold when he has to get a plane and fly to, I dunno, Mexico or something like it. At other times, she is screaming furiously about how awful Arnold and the bad guys fighting is because it's so macho. She disappears in the last act, at least -- waiting on board her plane/boat thing and calling for help. There is a pretty rad scene, though, in which she and Arnold go shopping for weapons and things at an army surplus store -- Cindy pushes a shopping cart around while Arnold loads it up with badass goodies. Later, she pretends to be a prostitute that knows how to use a rocket launcher -- although, she accidentally launches some rockets in the wrong direction, at first.
The film is much like the Sylvester Stallone films that I've already seen, such as the Rambo movies and Cobra. I was also reminded of the Pam Grier blaxploitation films like Coffy and Foxy Brown. As much as I love Sylvester Stallone, I have to say, though, that I think Arnold Schwarzenegger is a much better action star. Commando is very good and that's in large part thanks to Schwarzenegger's personality. However, the kill scenes go on and on and on, especially in the last act, which got boring. The final fight between Schwarzenegger and the knife wielding Fairy Godmother felt forced and not all that spectacular. Very typical, cheap and easy ending, which is surprising because most of Commando was actually filled with a lot of surprises and twists and moments of, "How the hell is he going to get out of this?" thoughts.
And of course, Iroquois, it wouldn't be a full Sexy Celebrity review without commenting on the beefcake -- supplied 100% by Arnold Schwarzenegger, a ravishing beauty. Glorious. Simply glorious. And at full sexiness in the last act when he's got black stripes painted all over his face and body and when he's wearing the military fatigue vest with the grenades dangling from it. I would love to have him as a daddy and have him come rescue me. That Alyssa Milano, she was so spoiled -- not only did she get raised by Arnold Schwarzenegger, but she also called Tony Danza her boss! What a lucky lady. And you know, I can understand Arnold Schwarzenegger wanting to save her and everything, but think about all of the dead people he kills along the way -- those dead people had parents who probably care about them. It's very arrogant to kill all of those people just so Alyssa Milano can live.
Oh, and I also wondered what was happening in that motel room that Arnold Schwarzenegger burst into that had the naked man and woman hiding under the covers -- the woman was on top of the man and the man was below her with his ass to her crotch. I thought it looked kinda kinky.
Well, Iroquois, there you go. Commando review written and finished. Thanks for urging me to see it -- I'm glad I did.
Now go let off some steam, bitch.