← Back to Reviews
in
The Cider House Rules
(directed by Lasse Hallstrom, 1999)
1999 really was the year for great movies -- and I've been missing out because I just now saw all of The Cider House Rules for the very first time. I had seen up till when Homer Wells (Tobey Maguire) leaves the orphanage with Charlize Theron and Paul Rudd, but never went beyond that. Strange, I know, because I love Tobey Maguire. I had no idea I was missing out on a hot sex scene between him and Charlize Theron, which disappointed me because you can see her completely naked, but not him. And he wore some really sexy pants, too, when he was apple pickin'. He looked damn good. We see her unzip him, but it doesn't really go any further than that -- remember, folks, the camera does not like sex with the clothes on. But I really loved The Cider House Rules -- I don't know if it would have been the kind of movie I'd be into back in 1999, but I see that it was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars that year, and I've gotta say... this film's better than American Beauty. There, I've said it. Why didn't this movie win? Did American Beauty keep me away from The Cider House Rules? I mean, you might say it's my fault for not checking out the film then, but to tell you the truth, I don't blame myself. I was overwhelmed by American Beauty. America was overwhelmed. Now, look, I don't really feel all that bad, but it does hurt a little -- it's a tragedy that American Beauty stole my attention away from this film.
Maybe it's not just American Beauty's fault, though. Fight Club came out in 1999 as well. So did a bunch of other stuff.
Oh, well. The Cider House Rules tells the story of an orphan named Homer Wells who was raised by a 1940's obstetrician played by Michael Caine. He grows up and gets tightly looked after and cared for by this doctor, who trains him to be a doctor, as well. They live in Maine in this big orphanage with lots of kids. Anyway, the movie takes place once Homer has grown up and become the sexy Tobey Maguire. Now, all these orphans that live with Tobey Maguire and Michael Caine want to be adopted, which means they'd leave the orphanage. I wouldn't give a damn about getting adoptive parents if I lived in a home with Tobey Maguire -- that'd be my daddy right there. Him and Michael Caine. At least they showed one girl who had the hots for Tobey and she didn't seem too concerned about getting adopted, either -- she has a good head on her shoulders.
Anyway, for a little while, we're watching Tobey be miserable while living at this orphanage. Despite all the training he's been given, he doesn't have the spirit to be a doctor. It's not him. So, when Charlize and Paul Rudd show up one day at the orphanage -- they're a married couple and, uh oh, she got pregnant - time to have an abortion -- Tobey decides right then and there to leave the place. He's going back with them and getting out of the orphanage. This, of course, greatly upsets Michael Caine, along with the orphans and the nurses. But, oh, well. Tobey needs a new atmosphere.
Tobey, Charlize and Paul take off for an apple orchard and Tobey finds happiness being an apple picker. He gets a little culture when he starts working among black and hispanic people (sorry, but it's true - everyone at the orphanage was white) and he does a lot of new stuff for the first time, such as seeing the ocean and going to a drive-in movie. Paul Rudd takes off for the war and because Charlize's character is such a needy bimbo, she ends up sleeping with Tobey (can't blame her, but could kill her -- he's mine.)
I feel like I'm already revealing too much about the movie, but then again, I'm not. Let's just say that a big, incestuous plot development occurs, which came totally out of nowhere, yet it also totally works. But that's not what really matters in this movie. The Cider House Rules, which is based on a John Irving novel, is a beautiful coming-of-age story about finding your own place in the world, living by your own rules, making mistakes, finding joy and happiness in the world, discovering who your family is, coming to terms with things, doing what's right - and what's right for you. It's about men and princes and kings and being strong even when you're in a situation that is supposed to make you feel weak. It's about the joys of sex and the dangers of it. It's life and death and family and friends and doctors and nurses and kids and adults and truths and lies and bravery and weakness. The film is almost too sickeningly perfect but when you've got Tobey Maguire in your movie, too perfect is ALLOWED.
Goodnight, MoFos.
(directed by Lasse Hallstrom, 1999)
1999 really was the year for great movies -- and I've been missing out because I just now saw all of The Cider House Rules for the very first time. I had seen up till when Homer Wells (Tobey Maguire) leaves the orphanage with Charlize Theron and Paul Rudd, but never went beyond that. Strange, I know, because I love Tobey Maguire. I had no idea I was missing out on a hot sex scene between him and Charlize Theron, which disappointed me because you can see her completely naked, but not him. And he wore some really sexy pants, too, when he was apple pickin'. He looked damn good. We see her unzip him, but it doesn't really go any further than that -- remember, folks, the camera does not like sex with the clothes on. But I really loved The Cider House Rules -- I don't know if it would have been the kind of movie I'd be into back in 1999, but I see that it was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars that year, and I've gotta say... this film's better than American Beauty. There, I've said it. Why didn't this movie win? Did American Beauty keep me away from The Cider House Rules? I mean, you might say it's my fault for not checking out the film then, but to tell you the truth, I don't blame myself. I was overwhelmed by American Beauty. America was overwhelmed. Now, look, I don't really feel all that bad, but it does hurt a little -- it's a tragedy that American Beauty stole my attention away from this film.
Maybe it's not just American Beauty's fault, though. Fight Club came out in 1999 as well. So did a bunch of other stuff.
Oh, well. The Cider House Rules tells the story of an orphan named Homer Wells who was raised by a 1940's obstetrician played by Michael Caine. He grows up and gets tightly looked after and cared for by this doctor, who trains him to be a doctor, as well. They live in Maine in this big orphanage with lots of kids. Anyway, the movie takes place once Homer has grown up and become the sexy Tobey Maguire. Now, all these orphans that live with Tobey Maguire and Michael Caine want to be adopted, which means they'd leave the orphanage. I wouldn't give a damn about getting adoptive parents if I lived in a home with Tobey Maguire -- that'd be my daddy right there. Him and Michael Caine. At least they showed one girl who had the hots for Tobey and she didn't seem too concerned about getting adopted, either -- she has a good head on her shoulders.
Anyway, for a little while, we're watching Tobey be miserable while living at this orphanage. Despite all the training he's been given, he doesn't have the spirit to be a doctor. It's not him. So, when Charlize and Paul Rudd show up one day at the orphanage -- they're a married couple and, uh oh, she got pregnant - time to have an abortion -- Tobey decides right then and there to leave the place. He's going back with them and getting out of the orphanage. This, of course, greatly upsets Michael Caine, along with the orphans and the nurses. But, oh, well. Tobey needs a new atmosphere.
Tobey, Charlize and Paul take off for an apple orchard and Tobey finds happiness being an apple picker. He gets a little culture when he starts working among black and hispanic people (sorry, but it's true - everyone at the orphanage was white) and he does a lot of new stuff for the first time, such as seeing the ocean and going to a drive-in movie. Paul Rudd takes off for the war and because Charlize's character is such a needy bimbo, she ends up sleeping with Tobey (can't blame her, but could kill her -- he's mine.)
I feel like I'm already revealing too much about the movie, but then again, I'm not. Let's just say that a big, incestuous plot development occurs, which came totally out of nowhere, yet it also totally works. But that's not what really matters in this movie. The Cider House Rules, which is based on a John Irving novel, is a beautiful coming-of-age story about finding your own place in the world, living by your own rules, making mistakes, finding joy and happiness in the world, discovering who your family is, coming to terms with things, doing what's right - and what's right for you. It's about men and princes and kings and being strong even when you're in a situation that is supposed to make you feel weak. It's about the joys of sex and the dangers of it. It's life and death and family and friends and doctors and nurses and kids and adults and truths and lies and bravery and weakness. The film is almost too sickeningly perfect but when you've got Tobey Maguire in your movie, too perfect is ALLOWED.
Goodnight, MoFos.