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"THIS MOVIE SUCKED!" my brother said. So naturally I asked, "Then why do you insist on watching the Lifetime Network anyway, why not come see Shutter Island with me instead?" After all, it had to be better than "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" So I raided my piggy bank for the funds required to obtain our theater necessities (sodas and chocolate covered almonds) and off we went.


As it turns out, he hated this movie, too. Then again he thought Legion was a great movie and watches Child's Play daily, thereby rendering his opinion as impotent as I am. I think I'll leave him on the couch from now on, waiting for Sally Struthers to make her comeback. I fear she may.


The trailers had looked promising, as had the one review I read about it, whereby the reviewer had given it an "A" and said that it was the first movie he'd seen in a long time where you don't know the whole deal until the final sentence is spoken. I'll give him that much.


The movie starts out on a ferry when the weather is dark and dreary, and that mood never changes, which I found appropriate since they were headed to investigate an asylum for the criminally insane, although I prefer the term socially awkward. Imagine, it wouldn't seem right if the weather was all sunshine and lollipops, now would it? The asylum is on an island whose access, and exit, can only be obtained by ferry. My red-flag-waving hand was already getting itchy.


I can't in good conscience say a whole lot about this movie, as it is one of those that would totally suck if the twist were given away. But here's what I CAN tell you: I really, really, really enjoy a good egg and cheese omelet.


Teddy (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Chuck (Mark Ruffalo) are two federal agents sent to an island to investigate the mysterious disappearance of a patient. She seemingly walked through the walls of her cell and slipped past everybody. Her door was locked from the outside because you know, it's rare that they give the criminally insane the option of locking their doors from the inside. The agents' investigation leads them into the darkest depths of the asylum, and the human mind, including Teddy's own. He is tormented by the death of his wife, whose murderer is also in the asylum somewhere, and Teddy also happens to be a recovering alcoholic and a chain smoker. What I'm getting at here is that Teddy has several flaws that I don't suffer from, so in a way, this movie is MY "Feel Good Movie of the Year".


Their guns are taken from them before they are allowed to enter the asylum. At this point I jumped up and waved a big red flag, but apparently these hoity-toity movie stars don't heed the warnings of the common and/or manic moviegoer, and they went in anyway. They are shown Ward A, the one for men; Ward B, the one for women; Ward C, the one reserved for the most violent offenders; and finally Ward D, which may contain either a hilariously huge high chair, OR a brand new living room set.


The movie is filled with twists and turns, discoveries that make you rethink your previous deductions, and lots of shady characters. Like I said, I don't wanna say much more for fear of giving anything away.


On a scale of 1-5, I'm gonna give this movie a 3.5, partly because I'm not sure how I felt about the ending.



Some unsolicited advice for Hollywood: first, don't name your agents Chuck and Teddy. Everyone knows that those are two of the least threatening names around! Chuck Norris would be the exception, and they couldn't send him to the island because we all know that there could be only one outcome: the asylum would surrender and turn into a merry-go-round.


Second, don't use Leonardo DiCaprio as your tough guy. I ain't buying it and they shouldn't be selling it. He still has a baby face no matter his age, so save it for any upcoming Look Who's Talking sequels.


Third, put some better prizes in Ward D. Yes, we would all like to own a huge high chair but... a living room set?


Written by
The Infamous Mr. Wilson