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Nudes Inc. (Mahon, 1964)



There's a few scenes in this where you're looking at one of the Bennett twins, and folks, I must confess that I could not tell which one I was looking at. This is important for you to hear because I must admit I could not pull off a double date with both of them at the same time. It does not matter how different their outfits might be, how quickly I run from one end of the restaurant to the other, how generously I tip the waiter to keep their yap shut, I fear I will slip. Please pray for me as I reckon with this horrifying possibility.

While I have yet to see it, I speculated based on its cast that The Beast that Killed Women would be Barry Mahon's Three the Hard Way. This one features some common performers, in that it has Gigi Darlene and Darlene Bennett, but also her sister Dawn. Which I guess makes this Barry Mahon's Mothra vs. Godzilla, with Gigi standing in for Godzilla and Dawn and Darlene as the two little Mothra larvae from the end. (Which movie is sexier depends on the viewer.) But whereas Mothra vs. Godzilla owns, this movie very much does not. I put this on because I had a long day at work and wanted to watch something that was short and I didn't have to pay too much attention to and maybe had boobies because I am a sad little man and such things bring joy to this dismal existence on Planet Earth in the Year of Our Lord 2022, and this might be the longest hour I've ever spent watching a movie. I fear my compulsion to watch Mahon's work will lead to a similar incident as when I watched eight Phil Prince movies in one week due to their short runtimes. But at least things happened in those. Depraved things only enjoyable by degenerates, but things nonetheless.

This is a bunch of nude modelling footage, overlaid with narration on what a great gig the titular business offers, and how Gigi Darlene is truly living the American dream, and how phonies get in the business to feel up the models, and I bunch of other stuff that I probably tuned out. Perhaps Nudes Inc. offers Casual Fridays, in which the models can wear jeans during their topless photoshoots instead of dress pants. What I'm getting it is that there is a lot of telling but little showing, except the endless, endless nude modelling footage, which is presented with as little style as possible. (Yes, yes, the girls are attractive, but this makes me appreciate Nude on the Moon, which I was initially lukewarm on, all the more. That movie has a story and atmosphere and something of a deliberate visual style.) For all its faults, Prostitutes Protective Society at least tried to demonstrate how the titular organization worked. This makes no such attempt. (It is interesting how both movies foreground immigrant characters and sexual harassment, although neither is explored for more than a few minutes.) This does distinguish itself from the other movie by featuring colour, which is further enhanced by the woefully degraded transfer I watched, wherein the colours in the frame evolve in real time. Would this have played better under the influence? I have no idea, I watched it sober.

I chased Nudes Inc. with Naked Fury, and I'm thinking this is the ideal form to appreciate the work of Barry Mahon. It's ten minutes long instead of eight hours or whatever. It has slightly different music (jaunty piano) instead of the maddeningly repetitive rock'n'roll that features in his other movies. It has an attractive visual style, with its stark blue background and occasional shaky close-ups for excitement. And it has actual conflict, presenting a playful wrestling match between the Bennett sisters. I think I could tell which one was which this time, so there is hope for my double date scheme yet.

Alongside Nudes Inc. and Naked Fury, I also watched Instant Orgy, which features a group of women deciding how to spend the money they raised for charity. I would think they would have decided on a cause before raising the money, but I guess it's like that storyline in Arrested Development when they held a fundraiser for "TBA". And it's for a good cause, although as a big government liberal, I would prefer tax dollars and government programs be directed at these causes instead of the charity of private citizens. Anyway, somebody spikes their punchbowl and they all end up taking their clothes off and grooving to some surf rock. I am not sure how much of an "orgy" this really is, but the vibes are good, and this is only seven minutes long. I am not convinced that Barry Mahon is a great director, but he is easier to appreciate in such small doses.