The Long Kiss Goodnight

Christmas, Horses, Rice Crispies, Dogs, Cookies, Goats, Meat Slabs, Kissing, I can't even be bothered to organize these, this movie SUCKED and there is one DAMNING SCENE:


This is the sort of scene that reminds me of those kinds of people in the school cafeteria who sidle right up next to me offering me part of their burger or popcorn shrimp and go "MMMMMM YEEEAAAAAAHHHH GOOOOOOOOD MEAT!" completely unaware that I know where they live and that by morning they won't wake up for the bloody hole I'll have made in their throat and stuffed full of lettuce like some vigilante vegan bandit.

Seriously, the fact that it looks like they used both a real deer and then shot an EXTENDED sequence of some cracked out freaky puppet flailing the **** around in the windshield like some sort of nightmare before the protagonist snaps it neck, ALMOST CERTAINLY out of some extreme confusion over what it takes to remain tonally consistent and endear us to a protagonist...

There aren't enough middle fingers in the world.

And I would have stopped there, BUT it seems that "that wouldn't be an adequate review of the movie" even though my intention is obviously NOT to clearly review the entirety of each and every movie I see and the totally undue weight placed upon vague yet loaded terms like "review"...!!!

Pardon, but I think that's pretty ridiculous.
BUT NOT AS RIDICULOUS AS THE REST OF THIS MOVIE!!
Which I watched, so congratu****in'lations, enjoy even more bitching.

Samuel L. Jackson is about the only redeeming quality in this movie, the rest is stock standard if not worse and his charisma goes a LONG way to bandaging the various festering sores that infest this bloody mess.

First off, the entire plot revolves around amnesia, which is great, cause now we can trope the **** out of that, except no, we're cross-polinating here, cause as Main Girl gets her memories back we go full on Split Personality which always one of the most difficult to sell mental disorders, AND THEY DON'T SELL IT. Frumpy Mom goes full-on Stone Cold Bitch with barely a flicker in-between, even going so far as to tell her daughter that "life is pain" which is apparently so significant it gets a callback during the climax. Wow, I couldn't take it seriously before, I almost could the second time.

Another frustrating thing is that when her old personality flairs up and then returns to Frumpy Mom she totally forgets what just happened. You forgot what you remembered? That makes sense.

There isn't even any indication of when or why this stops happening, she just sort of gels into one person, which again is one part deerkiller and one part nihilist slut, so yeah, I LOVE THIS CHARACTER.

Logical blackholes just riddle this movie, how is it that a fragmentation grenade will explode outward with a wall of fire? Grenades don't work that way, my classmates would know.

When she gets captured and trapped in the walk-in freezer, what in the hell is this McGyver scheme she concocts?

Retainer + Doll Pee + Meat Hook = Explosion WHAT!?

The retainer seems completely unnecessary, I find it pretty hard to believe that you can create sparks by banging a metal hook on a metal floor in -60 degree temperatures, and... Doll Pee? As in urine from the a doll???

Let's BREAK THIS DOWN:

HOW DO YOU KNOW the doll has that feature!? That was never foreshadowed!

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW that it's not regular water!? Most pissing dolls are! AGAIN, my unfortunate classmates would know this!

AND HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW that this non-water false urine substance is even remotely flammable!? Why would they sell dolls full of volatile liquids!?

That explosion works and it immediately creates an entirely new mystery wherein it blows Samuel L. Jackson backwards out of the window, while he's tied to a chair, SEVERAL METERS, into a tree, into the snow, and mere SECONDS later he's able to recover fast enough to grab the knife, which survived the explosion stuck to his chair, and lands a perfect throw into a nearby baddy's throat before telling Main Girl that he's gonna go out guns-a-blazing because he wants to be good for something, implying that he sucks at precisely the thing he just did.

Why are the villains even villains in this movie? I know they want to detonate a chemical bomb, naughty naughty, but there's literally NO GOOD REASON for this movie to exist. The villains plans get destroyed PURELY and UTTERLY because they antagonized a woman they had left for dead and had evidently forgotten about them and/or LEFT THEM COMPLETELY ALONE for 8 years.

8 YEARS! You're trying to kill someone who's been a total non-obstacle to you for 8 YEARS! And she's literally the ONLY THING that ****ed you over! You completely sabotaged your own plans!

Merely torturing her despite her demonstrable ignorance about your plans MADE HER REMEMBER and even if she didn't remember she's certain got a bone to pick with you NOW! SHE KNOWS YOUR ******* FACES AND NAMES NOW YOU THICK ****BUCKETS!!

Jeez, even the climax isn't safe, the police refuse to approach the truck to save her daughter even though they have no known way of knowing that the truck is a bomb LET ALONE how much time they have before it goes off, so Main Girl just shrugs off a gunshot wound to the chest before we callback to that "die screaming" quote which fails to be satisfyingly reincorporated and the movie ends reminding me that Geena Davis is a lot like Kristen Stewart, their lips just hang in a perpetual state of gum circulation.

****... this movie.

I'll grant it's not THAT bad, but it's bad.