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Hells Angels
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.
The second I saw the art-style I knew I had to see this movie. This is an art-style that I've come to questionably refer to as "Neo-Gothic Surrealism" which I use to describe the visual style of the likes of Nightmare Before Christmas, Soul Eater, and Invader Zim to name a few. If anyone knows of any other movies, TV shows, or comics that use this sort of rough and distorted visual aesthetic, PLEASE let me know, I will watch it!
WHAT'D I THINK?
Hells Angels
Fantasy Comedy Action / 2008
WHY'D I WATCH IT?
For the Action Movie Countdown.
The second I saw the art-style I knew I had to see this movie. This is an art-style that I've come to questionably refer to as "Neo-Gothic Surrealism" which I use to describe the visual style of the likes of Nightmare Before Christmas, Soul Eater, and Invader Zim to name a few. If anyone knows of any other movies, TV shows, or comics that use this sort of rough and distorted visual aesthetic, PLEASE let me know, I will watch it!
WHAT'D I THINK?
The visual style of Hells Angels is a big plus for me and it keeps me absorbed if nothing else. It's the best thing going for it which is to say the movie has almost nothing else going for it.
This movie has one of the trippiest, WHAT-THE-F*CK PLOTS I'VE EVER HEARD OF, so lay up your kicks, cause I'm about to tell you, in chronological order, the tale of Hell's Angels.
Way back in biblical times, God created the first man, Adam. This took a lot out of God so it took a bit more effort to create the first woman, Eve. After Eve, God was tired as **** and decided to **** around as a cat.
Adam and Eve were cool biz and when they ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge God was real chill about it. He was probably too tired to do anything and honestly keeping knowledge to himself is a pretty selfish thing to do.
Adam and Even had sex and gave birth to Cain and Abel. When Eve was breast-feeding Abel, Cain asked to suck on her boobies and Eve said no, he was a big boy.
THAT'S WHEN IT ALL WENT WRONG.
Cain became booby-jealous and developed incestuous thoughts about his mother. In anger he killed his little brother Abel who went to Hell for some reason, changed his name to Kutou for some reason, and created a place called Destinyland for some reason.
Eventually Cain also died, went to Hell, and established a Japanese high school in Destinyland which he presides over as Headmaster Helvis, an evil version of Elvis.
Yes, Cain from the story of Cain and Abel has purple nipple-hair.
Untold years later, Adam goes to Destinyland, changes his name to "Who" and becomes a frighteningly muscular skinny man with 4 feet of aerodynamic super saiyan hair.
Eve dies and is reincarnated into the body of a Japanese schoolgirl named Linne who meets God ****in' around as a cat in traffic and gets hit by a truck which sends her to school in Destinyland, Hell.
God apologizes for not being able to do anything.
God doesn't do anything for the rest of the story.
In Destinyland it's revealed that Helvis has heel-face-turned into a good guy and Kutou has face-heel-turned into a bad guy who attends Helvis's school as a student for some reason.
Helvis throws a volleyball tournament.
After the volleyball tournament Kutou reveals his master plan to...
something. It's a very nasty evil plan whatever it is because it traps Linne in Destinyland.
Adam and Eve.
Linne, partnered with a dorm mother, a panda, God in the form of a cat, and some random one-armed dude named Mario go to confront Kutou.
Kutou's minions reveal to Linne that she's secretly Eve and everyone starts calling her Mom. They then reveal Linne's mom named "Mom" and kill her (their mom's mom) by throwing her into a Sphere of Annihilation.
After the biblical mind**** that is the reincarnated first woman's mother dying, Linne loses all her happy thoughts and immediately kills herself in the Sphere of Annihilation.
Everyone inside the Sphere of Annihilation survives with the power offriendship believing. Suddenly everyone has the power to do anything, "It will happen! Definitely!"
Kutou challenges everyone to life or death bucketball.
Everyone completely accepts the challenge.
Linne instantly makes the bucket and decides not to use her super powers to stop the game.
One person is eaten by the bucket. They never come back. They're like the one character that actually dies and stays dead.
In a rambling monologue Kutou explains that Hell doesn't even exist and that he personally manufactured the concept somehow through art and religion. Everyone totally forgets about bucketball.
Kutou explains that everything in Destinyland is controlled through will (remember, God's still here, he's just not doing anything) and suddenly everyone can fly.
When they fly too high, they get scared, fall down like that ran out of fairy dust, and their unhappy feelings turn into word bubbles which coalesce into a giant tentacle monster which skull****s seven women representing the deadly sins turning them into fat ugly monsters.
People start fighting with word bubbles.
Linne shoots love out of her mouth, Kutou suddenly gives up on his mystery plan in despair, and Stealer, a character with no biblical analog whatsoever, apparently "made from Abel's darkness" collects all of the unhappy thoughts and explodes.
Now finally EVERYONE CAN GO HOME and despite the fact that anyone can do anything as long as they believe, everyone's too negative to revive Stealer so she's dead for reals and Linne cries at her tree-body where Kutou heel-face-turns back into a good guy.
Thousands of people hear Linne's quiet platitudes from nearly a mile away and emotionally swayed, they all choose to stay in Not-Hell and rebuild their school.
Now that their school is rebuilt Linne can graduate and with Helvis's permission, NOW ONLY HER AND HER MOM CAN GO HOME.
Mario is left behind. And he says "I love you".
Linne returns to the real world, EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY THERE, STEALER IS ALIVE, WHIMSY OVERLOAD, CREDITS.
Final Verdict: [Meh...]
This movie has one of the trippiest, WHAT-THE-F*CK PLOTS I'VE EVER HEARD OF, so lay up your kicks, cause I'm about to tell you, in chronological order, the tale of Hell's Angels.
Way back in biblical times, God created the first man, Adam. This took a lot out of God so it took a bit more effort to create the first woman, Eve. After Eve, God was tired as **** and decided to **** around as a cat.
Adam and Eve were cool biz and when they ate from the forbidden tree of knowledge God was real chill about it. He was probably too tired to do anything and honestly keeping knowledge to himself is a pretty selfish thing to do.
Adam and Even had sex and gave birth to Cain and Abel. When Eve was breast-feeding Abel, Cain asked to suck on her boobies and Eve said no, he was a big boy.
THAT'S WHEN IT ALL WENT WRONG.
Cain became booby-jealous and developed incestuous thoughts about his mother. In anger he killed his little brother Abel who went to Hell for some reason, changed his name to Kutou for some reason, and created a place called Destinyland for some reason.
Eventually Cain also died, went to Hell, and established a Japanese high school in Destinyland which he presides over as Headmaster Helvis, an evil version of Elvis.
Yes, Cain from the story of Cain and Abel has purple nipple-hair.
Untold years later, Adam goes to Destinyland, changes his name to "Who" and becomes a frighteningly muscular skinny man with 4 feet of aerodynamic super saiyan hair.
Eve dies and is reincarnated into the body of a Japanese schoolgirl named Linne who meets God ****in' around as a cat in traffic and gets hit by a truck which sends her to school in Destinyland, Hell.
God apologizes for not being able to do anything.
God doesn't do anything for the rest of the story.
In Destinyland it's revealed that Helvis has heel-face-turned into a good guy and Kutou has face-heel-turned into a bad guy who attends Helvis's school as a student for some reason.
Helvis throws a volleyball tournament.
After the volleyball tournament Kutou reveals his master plan to...
something. It's a very nasty evil plan whatever it is because it traps Linne in Destinyland.
Adam and Eve.
Linne, partnered with a dorm mother, a panda, God in the form of a cat, and some random one-armed dude named Mario go to confront Kutou.
Kutou's minions reveal to Linne that she's secretly Eve and everyone starts calling her Mom. They then reveal Linne's mom named "Mom" and kill her (their mom's mom) by throwing her into a Sphere of Annihilation.
After the biblical mind**** that is the reincarnated first woman's mother dying, Linne loses all her happy thoughts and immediately kills herself in the Sphere of Annihilation.
Everyone inside the Sphere of Annihilation survives with the power of
Kutou challenges everyone to life or death bucketball.
Everyone completely accepts the challenge.
Linne instantly makes the bucket and decides not to use her super powers to stop the game.
One person is eaten by the bucket. They never come back. They're like the one character that actually dies and stays dead.
In a rambling monologue Kutou explains that Hell doesn't even exist and that he personally manufactured the concept somehow through art and religion. Everyone totally forgets about bucketball.
Kutou explains that everything in Destinyland is controlled through will (remember, God's still here, he's just not doing anything) and suddenly everyone can fly.
When they fly too high, they get scared, fall down like that ran out of fairy dust, and their unhappy feelings turn into word bubbles which coalesce into a giant tentacle monster which skull****s seven women representing the deadly sins turning them into fat ugly monsters.
People start fighting with word bubbles.
Linne shoots love out of her mouth, Kutou suddenly gives up on his mystery plan in despair, and Stealer, a character with no biblical analog whatsoever, apparently "made from Abel's darkness" collects all of the unhappy thoughts and explodes.
Now finally EVERYONE CAN GO HOME and despite the fact that anyone can do anything as long as they believe, everyone's too negative to revive Stealer so she's dead for reals and Linne cries at her tree-body where Kutou heel-face-turns back into a good guy.
Thousands of people hear Linne's quiet platitudes from nearly a mile away and emotionally swayed, they all choose to stay in Not-Hell and rebuild their school.
Now that their school is rebuilt Linne can graduate and with Helvis's permission, NOW ONLY HER AND HER MOM CAN GO HOME.
Mario is left behind. And he says "I love you".
Linne returns to the real world, EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY THERE, STEALER IS ALIVE, WHIMSY OVERLOAD, CREDITS.
Final Verdict: [Meh...]