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Friday The 13th
You know Friday the 13th? Oh, not the half decent one, no. I'm talking about the absolutely wonderful 2009 remake.
Yes, that one.
Did I mention it was partly produced by Michael Bay? Expect Transformers level of perviness. Expect a topless shot meter. Which I will maintain throughout this review.
Our story begins back in 1980, which coincidentally is when the first Friday The 13th film was released. Because, as we all know, everyone loves a self-referential horror movie. Or teen death movie. Or whatever, we all know this is garbage. Jason Voorhees sees his mum get beheaded by the last survivor of her murder spree. The film then flashes forward to the present day (or 2009 because it was 2009), where a group of friends are all camping, one of them looking for the marijuana plants growing near Camp Crystal Lake. Things take a sinister turn because they all begin to die when Jason appears and kills the bespecaled one near the marijuana for no apparent reason, and then proceeds to kill two others who are having sex. TOPLESS SHOT METER: 1. The remaining two, a random guy and that woman who was once in The Mentalist (this film doesn't deserve me looking up the names of the actors or even the characters, since I can sum them up by their standout cliche) stumble across Jason as well. He then proceeds to kill the random guy, yet the fate of Mentalist lady is uncertain after being knocked down by Jason.
Cut to black. Titles.
…
A THIRD OF THE FILM HAS GONE AND MORE OR LESS EVERYONE IS DEAD. WHY. WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO US? WHY?
WHY.
WHY?
So, we are a third of the way into the film and after six weeks of offscreen time, we are introduced to another set of characters, even more unlikeable than the last. The group consists of:
It's all very predictable and silly. No scares, no tension, no nothing. You know who is going to die, you know when, it's just a procession, much like the ride into the Champs-Elysses on the final day of the Tour de France. Yes, I just compared this rubbish to the largest cycling event on the planet. Why? Why not.
Anyway, yeah, they all pretty much die (even the girlfriend, shock horror), and the brother and Mentalist lady survive. But at the very end, SHOCK AGAIN, because Jason rises from the floor and grabs her again. Sequel? No.
I give this film 1 popcorn meter out of five.
You know Friday the 13th? Oh, not the half decent one, no. I'm talking about the absolutely wonderful 2009 remake.
Yes, that one.
Did I mention it was partly produced by Michael Bay? Expect Transformers level of perviness. Expect a topless shot meter. Which I will maintain throughout this review.
Our story begins back in 1980, which coincidentally is when the first Friday The 13th film was released. Because, as we all know, everyone loves a self-referential horror movie. Or teen death movie. Or whatever, we all know this is garbage. Jason Voorhees sees his mum get beheaded by the last survivor of her murder spree. The film then flashes forward to the present day (or 2009 because it was 2009), where a group of friends are all camping, one of them looking for the marijuana plants growing near Camp Crystal Lake. Things take a sinister turn because they all begin to die when Jason appears and kills the bespecaled one near the marijuana for no apparent reason, and then proceeds to kill two others who are having sex. TOPLESS SHOT METER: 1. The remaining two, a random guy and that woman who was once in The Mentalist (this film doesn't deserve me looking up the names of the actors or even the characters, since I can sum them up by their standout cliche) stumble across Jason as well. He then proceeds to kill the random guy, yet the fate of Mentalist lady is uncertain after being knocked down by Jason.
Cut to black. Titles.
…
A THIRD OF THE FILM HAS GONE AND MORE OR LESS EVERYONE IS DEAD. WHY. WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO US? WHY?
WHY.
WHY?
So, we are a third of the way into the film and after six weeks of offscreen time, we are introduced to another set of characters, even more unlikeable than the last. The group consists of:
- Massively rich, annoying t*** who invites everyone to his house for no apparent reason because he seems annoyed by their very presence. (they broke a chair and got annoyed because it was a “family heirloom”. A chair. IN A HOUSE HIS PARENTS DON'T EVEN USE.)
- His girlfriend who is “the nice one” who will most likely last until the very end or survive the entire movie.
- A guy and a girl character who just go off “wakeboarding” as they get to the campsite. Wakeboarding obviously being code for “about to get murdered”. Also, wakeboarding = TOPLESS SHOT METER: 2
- The other girl who is supposed to be the “b***h one” who ends up sleeping with the obnoxious rich, annoying t***, which results in TOPLESS SHOT METER: 3 and her inevitable demise.
- The token black guy and the token guy of Asian descent, who are best friends and seem like the only real people in this entire film. Of course, they end up dying, because bugger me, who would think a minority could survive? Good god!
- The brother of The Mentalist lady, so he's bound to survive until the end. He does.
It's all very predictable and silly. No scares, no tension, no nothing. You know who is going to die, you know when, it's just a procession, much like the ride into the Champs-Elysses on the final day of the Tour de France. Yes, I just compared this rubbish to the largest cycling event on the planet. Why? Why not.
Anyway, yeah, they all pretty much die (even the girlfriend, shock horror), and the brother and Mentalist lady survive. But at the very end, SHOCK AGAIN, because Jason rises from the floor and grabs her again. Sequel? No.
I give this film 1 popcorn meter out of five.