The Joke Thread

A guy knocked on my front door today.
He said "I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said "Sorry you've got the wrong house."

How did the hipster burn their mouth?
He drank coffee before it was cool

^ I lol'ed so hard

Why was the piano store owner locked out of his building?
He had the wrong key!

I have figured out why Oscar Pistorious killed his girlfriend. I think he watched the film Serenity and freaked out that there was a Reeva in the bathroom.

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~In the event of a Zombie Uprising, remember to sever the head or destroy the brain!~

What does a subatomic duck say?

Quark

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Guy with tourettes.

Guy with touret-

F*CK!

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Through the darkness of future past
The magician longs to see
One chants out between two worlds:
Fire walk with me.

Blonde Joke!

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said "Disney Left." They started to cry.

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Under-the-radar Movie Awesomeness.
http://earlsmoviepicks.blogspot.com/

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."

Not going to browse through this thread to see if a particular joke has been posted ... ( and in the meantime cranking up my number of posts )

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just stares at him for the next 10 miles.

Finally, the punk gets a little miffed and barks at the old man: "What is with you? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yup. I remember back when I was young and in the Navy. I got really drunk one night in Singapore. Couldn't control myself. Had sex with a parrot. I was just sitting here wondering if you were my son."

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack. "Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background the dwarfs started giggling. Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them. Dopey turned back to the Pope."Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, answered,"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

At a Scottish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Jock rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

"Go ahead, Jock. Take the stand."

Jock explaned, "As is the tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" replied Jock, "He broke three of my fingers!"

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare how important it is that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.


"Like what?" one man called out to the presenter.

"Well," the discussion leader said, "Let's start with the men. Can you each name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently, and whispered,

"Self-rising, right?"

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy...

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A new job

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins... The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

Batman gets home and says, "It's been a long day, Alfred. Fill up the bathtub."


And Alfred says, "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"