TheBrowningIdentity's Top Ten Worst Directors List

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Thane of Glamis, Thane of Cawdor, & King Hereafter
It's technically Friday where I am, albeit around 1:00 AM. I'll wrap the list up now!

#2 - Uwe Boll

Let me guess...you were expecting him to be number one? Honestly, so was I, but there's worse to come, believe it or not!

So, Uwe Boll makes movies based off of video games, or at least that's the assumption to be made, as the titles tend to be the same as video games. However, the movies are hardly faithful to the source material, which really irks me. I don't expect 100% faithfulness to the source material, but come on!

Some titles include: House of the Dead, In the Name of the King, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne. These are all based on video games. They all sucked (critics, audiences, and myself say as much). They didn't make their budgets back (unless my research lied). And somehow, most of these have freaking sequels! Is this why we can't have nice things? It seems like it!

I personally haven't seen it, but sources say his best film was something called Assault on Wall Street. Even so, his best isn't really that good, apparently, but compared to everything the #1 on this list made, I'm sure it would like a shiny gem!



Thane of Glamis, Thane of Cawdor, & King Hereafter
Are you ready for #1? Are you sure? I wasn't. In fact, I want a neuralyzer after this, just to forget that these movies exist, and these two directors are still making movies. Yes, it's a team of two directors...

#1 - Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer

This is probably the one and only time in film direction where two heads are worse than one! I mean, I'm not really sure I want to call what they make movies. No one I know enjoys what they've made, yet they're somehow still in business.

Here's the "movies" they've directed:
-Date Movie
-Epic Movie
-Disaster Movie
-Meet the Spartans
-Vampires Suck
-The Starving Games
-Best Night Ever

Seen any of these "movies"? Then you know exactly what I'm talking about! Stale attempts at humor, no real actors used, terrible dialogue, and plots that...well, they don't exist. It's the same thing with every "movie", just a "new coat of paint" as they try to parody newer films and suck so bad at it! I mean, I've seen bad movies and gave those bad movies a 1/10, but these "movies" make me want to dig for negative numbers!

Even so, they've got a new "movie" coming out. Superfast. Supposed to parody the Fast and Furious franchise. Something tells me it'll suck like the rest, it'll still make money, and there'll be more of this garbage to come. I weep for cinema.



Thane of Glamis, Thane of Cawdor, & King Hereafter
And, as I mentioned in the topic-starting post, I made a video on this. It's basically a short version with use of Rotten Tomatoes to help get the point across. It's ten-and-a-half minutes long, I should warn you, should you choose to watch it. Anyway, this concludes the list, I hope you all enjoyed this topic, and when I can, I'll get around to my top ten best directors (hopefully with reviews!).



(Hope the 'insert link' thing worked; never used it before.)



Could you be more specific?
WARNING: "The Rock" spoilers below
Suppose you are going to do this, you probably have thought about "possibility" of people dying, yet you decide to do this anyway. And you go into this with full conviction. You are willing to kill people who stand in your way. You are willing to risk lives of your men. Now that things didn't go as planned, you had most of your men die and you are cornered even more, instead of going all the way to bitter end you go 180 and turn against everything you stood for and against your own men, for whom you decided to start this mess in the first place.


And the reason being- people were gonna die. How could such possibility not occur to him? His entire plan and his apparent conviction weren't real. If only they had known to point the consequences of his actions to the General, not only he would have stopped, he would have started shooting his own men sooner.


The General was portrayed as somebody who knows what he was doing, but it would have been better to portray him in the same vein as Peanut Butter & Jelly from "Flypaper" (2011).



Welcome to the human race...
WARNING: "The Rock" spoilers below
Suppose you are going to do this, you probably have thought about "possibility" of people dying, yet you decide to do this anyway. And you go into this with full conviction. You are willing to kill people who stand in your way. You are willing to risk lives of your men. Now that things didn't go as planned, you had most of your men die and you are cornered even more, instead of going all the way to bitter end you go 180 and turn against everything you stood for and against your own men, for whom you decided to start this mess in the first place.


And the reason being- people were gonna die. How could such possibility not occur to him? His entire plan and his apparent conviction weren't real. If only they had known to point the consequences of his actions to the General, not only he would have stopped, he would have started shooting his own men sooner.


The General was portrayed as somebody who knows what he was doing, but it would have been better to portray him in the same vein as Peanut Butter & Jelly from "Flypaper" (2011).
WARNING: "The Rock" spoilers below
Ed Harris's character and the men loyal to him weren't willing to kill anyone unless it was absolutely necessary. The opening sequence where his squad steals the nerve gas is carried out with tranquiliser darts so as to minimise fatalities - the only death happens to one of his own men by accident. The whole reason he was carrying out his plot was to get reparations for the families of soldiers he'd lost over the course of several black ops missions that had been covered up and forgotten by politicians, so he at least had a sympathetic motive that meant he actually wanted to cause as little death as possible. The main problem with his plan is that, in addition to the squad that helped steal the nerve gas, he enlists a squad that is less interested in his cause and more interested in the ransom.

Take the scene where the Navy SEALs show up in the bathroom and are surrounded by Harris's men. Harris and Michael Biehn have an exchange where they try to talk each other down because neither one wants to have to kill the other one's unit (which does count as a character "pointing out the consequences"), yet the fight starts anyway less because of a direct order from Harris to his subordinates and more because of one soldier's itchy trigger finger. During the firefight, he desperately wants both sides to stop shooting, but since they're defending themselves and also have the high ground, there is no hope for a cease-fire. Even after the fight is over, he closes a dead SEAL's eyes and then stares into a bodycam to explicitly blame the operation's leaders for choosing to send even more soldiers to their deaths rather than simply pay his ransom.

It's pretty clear that Harris never intended to launch any of the missiles, and even as he is backed into a corner he refuses to lose sight of that goal. As Connery's character puts it, he can tell that Harris isn't a murderer. Near the end of the film, the leaders of the extra squad I mentioned earlier are the ones pushing him to launch a missile in order to show that they mean business, but when he does launch one he decides to neutralise it in the water instead. He then reveals that the point of the missiles was to bluff the government into paying the ransom, and since they were clearly not going to do that, the new plan was to cut their losses and leave the island. This is what causes the extra squad members to turn on him and shoot him. Even when Cage's character showed up, he told him where the final missile was so that it wouldn't get launched by the others. Harris never went 180 - for him, going 180 would have meant going through with launching the missile. He proved his conviction again and again without becoming completely evil.
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I really just want you all angry and confused the whole time.
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