Grief.

So, how do you deal with grief? I lost my dad 2 years ago, and whilst I had prepared myself mentally during the 5 years or so he suffered terminal prostrate cancer, it's still the hardest time I've had in my life.
I don't mean for this thread to be morbid, I am curious as to how people deal with all different types of grief, I'm still looking for a way to help my mum move on, they were real soul-mates and did everything together, and no matter what I try, nothing seems to help.
She doesn't fancy counselling, and other options I have tried have been met with little enthusiasm, I'm hoping spending new year in Chicago might break some of the associations that seem to affect her so badly around this time of year.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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There were a few things that happened when my dad died that I think benefitted my mom.
1. She had time immediately after the funeral to be alone. They had moved to a house in the middle of the nowhere, and had to wrap things up there.
2. She moved in with my sister, cross country, back to the town where she grew up and where her entire circle of girlfriends still gets together at least once a month for dinner.
3. My brother and his wife had two babies in the 3 years following.
4. Mom had to go back to work, and since she'd always wanted to try real estate, she went to school and did that. The stress of learning something new took a LOT of years off her, believe it or not. I think she was suprised that she did as well with school as she did.

Getting out of the familiar environment helped her be less aware of the unafamiliar absense.
Having the support of friends and family helped her feel less alone.
Getting asked out to dinner by a guy she'd known in highschool didn't hurt, either.
And having new activities and the grandbabies she'd been pining for (for like 30 years) helped a ton.

I was really worried when Dad died, because Mom went into a bad depression. She had had a nasty heart attack about 6 months before, and I think she felt she wouldn't be long in following him. Putting herself through a lot of changes really helped her though. She is much sharper and more vibrant now than she's been since I was in high school.

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Over the holiday, I heard about a book on this topic.
It's by Joan Didion, and is getting fantastic reviews. It's called "The Year of Magical Thinking", and is about her own experience in losing her husband and nearly losing her daughter, in the space of a year. Sounded to me like a downer, but everything I'm hearing is that it's "stirring" and "beautiful".

It's not easy to handle. I've sorta developed the ability to separate myself from my emotions. I can just cut myself off if I have to. I recommend against it though. It's a lot harder to reconnect.

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I am sorry your Mum is having a hard time Any where up to 3yrs is a normal grieving period so she still has a way to go. How are you?
There is a lot of people here me included who have lost 1 or both parents, I can only speak for myself. I think of both my parents most days, i feel sad and miss them but i don't cry as much now. I am grateful for every day i spent with my parents, they were both lovely, I concentrate on how lucky I was to have them instead of how much i miss them because I will always miss them

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yeah I used to be like that....but all the time to protect myself....had some rough times in the past which were probably the cause. I'd sit through a really scary movie and feel nothing, hear the saddest thing in the world and not even react really unless I thought it was the appropriate thing to do.

But it left me feeling so empty....yeah like not connected to anything. I reckon I was on the verge of depression but a few awesome people somehow cracked me open a bit (mostly girls who kept asking me how I was feeling.....so annoying ). Once I started talking a bit about how I was feeling everything didn't seem so huge anymore, like gaining a new perspective somehow. When you say stuff out loud you tend to view it differently, like it seems to just pile up in your mind (last straw kind of thing). But when you say it out loud to somebody actually listening it can really help you to start to deal with it, irrespective of what the other person tells you.

Then suddenly I was loving everything; friends, movies, sport, beaches and just doing whatever I felt like. Ok at the same time that leaves you open to pain a bit more but life is meant to be experienced to the full not just a dulled down version to avoid hurt.

Ask anyone who has lost a loved one whether they wished they hadn't given so much to that person and I think you know the answer to that question. Oh and in summary I deal with grief by sharing it with people who care about me and bottling up really doesn't agree with me. Sure for a short time I need some 'me' time but not too long

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wow Spooky, reading that post is like a Deja Vu of the last year of my life. We ought to talk more. I never really realize how much I have in common with some people.

I'm very sorry for your loss and that you and your mom are having such a hard time… I haven't had to deal with the loss of a parent (yet), but I did lose one of my sisters in a car wreck when I was younger… and my great-grandfather who had a very big hand in raising me…

The loss of my sister came as a total shock but we knew for several years losing my great-grandfather was inevitable… even so, I really don't remember there being too much difference in the pain… so I'm not sure if anyone can ever really prepare themselves for loss…or the feelings of absolute helplessness and vulnerability that often accompany that loss…

Anyway, I called one of my aunts who lost her husband several years ago… and she said, speaking from her own experience, people urging her to "get over it" only made her feel worse because it made her feel like she wasn't allowed to talk about my uncle anymore… and that it helped her a lot when she was around someone that she could talk to about him… she said remembering the good times they shared helped her get over the anger she felt at him leaving her and learn to accept the fact he was gone through no fault of his or her own…

I think another thing that really helped my aunt is that one of her friends talked her into doing some volunteer work at one of the local hospitals… which eventually led to a part-time job there…

As far as how I personally deal with grief, I've always had a tendency to 'bury' myself in work… probably not the best way to handle such things, but it seems to work for me right now…

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After my brother died the thing that helped me most was being around other people that cared about him. A death is a tragic thing, but it brings the living closer.

Whenever some one I know dies, sure I will miss them but I also realize that they are some place better now, or atleast according to the religion I follow, they are. I'm happy for them and the thought that keeps me going is that I will see them again eventually.

I realize that this may not be helpful because you and your mother might be non-religious people. I also think when you lose some one just to fill your life with other things (no, I'm not reffering to drugs).

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