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heard a good one recently
a large crowd of people is gathered at the town square. there is a man in the center cowering in fear. one man shouts that he is a sinner and must be stoned to death. Jesus walks through the crowd and stands in front of the "sinner". He says, look first in yourselves for sin, before finding it in others, thus, let ye who is without sin cast the first stone. At that point, a stone comes wizzing past jesus and hits the "sinner". Jesus said, "you know mom, sometimes you really piss me off!"
a large crowd of people is gathered at the town square. there is a man in the center cowering in fear. one man shouts that he is a sinner and must be stoned to death. Jesus walks through the crowd and stands in front of the "sinner". He says, look first in yourselves for sin, before finding it in others, thus, let ye who is without sin cast the first stone. At that point, a stone comes wizzing past jesus and hits the "sinner". Jesus said, "you know mom, sometimes you really piss me off!"
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What do Mexicans put under their carpets?
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"When I was younger, I always wanted to be somebody. Now that I'm older, I realise I should've been more specific."
"When I was younger, I always wanted to be somebody. Now that I'm older, I realise I should've been more specific."
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A friend of mine posted these at My-Space.
Nursery tales retold...
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb Ass"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so.
Nursery tales retold...
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb Ass"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't freakin' think so.
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Best College Football Ending Ever!
Tennessee VS. Georgia 10~1~2016 (The Highlights!)
The Final 2 Minutes ~ A Game for the Ages
♥ I am madly in love with Jack Carlson! ♥
Tennessee VS. Georgia 10~1~2016 (The Highlights!)
The Final 2 Minutes ~ A Game for the Ages
♥ I am madly in love with Jack Carlson! ♥
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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha
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This one isn't mine, but was written by James Thurber. I really like it, and he won't mind me posting it here since he's dead.
One afternoon a big wolf waited in a dark forest for a little girl to come along carrying a basket of food to her grandmother. Finally a little girl did come along and she was carrying a basket of food. "Are you carrying that basket to your grandmother?" asked the wolf. The little girl said yes, she was. So the wolf asked her where her grandmother lived and the little girl told him and he disappeared into the wood.
When the little girl opened the door of her grandmother's house she saw that there was somebody in bed with a nightcap and nightgown on. She had approached no nearer than twenty-five feet from the bed when she saw that it was not her grandmother but the wolf, for even in a nightcap a wolf does not look any more like your grandmother than the Metro-Goldwyn lion looks like Calvin Coolidge. So the little girl took an automatic out of her basket and shot the wolf dead.
(Moral: It is not so easy to fool little girls nowadays as it used to be.)
One afternoon a big wolf waited in a dark forest for a little girl to come along carrying a basket of food to her grandmother. Finally a little girl did come along and she was carrying a basket of food. "Are you carrying that basket to your grandmother?" asked the wolf. The little girl said yes, she was. So the wolf asked her where her grandmother lived and the little girl told him and he disappeared into the wood.
When the little girl opened the door of her grandmother's house she saw that there was somebody in bed with a nightcap and nightgown on. She had approached no nearer than twenty-five feet from the bed when she saw that it was not her grandmother but the wolf, for even in a nightcap a wolf does not look any more like your grandmother than the Metro-Goldwyn lion looks like Calvin Coolidge. So the little girl took an automatic out of her basket and shot the wolf dead.
(Moral: It is not so easy to fool little girls nowadays as it used to be.)
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This guy walks into a bar with a bird on his head.
The bartender says "What's that thing doing there?"
The bird says "Beats me, he started out as a zit on my ass."
=============================================
This dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
The bartender says "What's that thing doing there?"
The bird says "Beats me, he started out as a zit on my ass."
=============================================
This dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
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Damn it...
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it," said the old man. "I said I want to join
this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
In THIS church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and
goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to
that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the old man says. "I just won $200
million in this damn lottery and I want to join this damn church
to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"
A crusty old man walks into the local church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it," said the old man. "I said I want to join
this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated
In THIS church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and
goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to
that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the old man says. "I just won $200
million in this damn lottery and I want to join this damn church
to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?"
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... okay.. there was a guy.. lol ... 
sorry I just had to do that . LOL 
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
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This isn't really a joke. I just thought it was cute, and wanted to share. Aren't they adorable!?!
Besides, I haven't found anything yet, that beats my fukitol.
I'd kill for this drug!
Seriously!
Besides, I haven't found anything yet, that beats my fukitol.
I'd kill for this drug!
Seriously!
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A bloke asks his granny "Have you seen my pills Gran, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny answers: "Fu*k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Granny answers: "Fu*k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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I don't know if any of these have been said before, but I don't feel like going through 11 pages to check.. so here goes:
2 men walk into a bar, the third man ducks
Some fish are swimming upstream when they come to a big piece of concrete in the way, one of them yells out "DAM!!"
Dyslexics have more fnu
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says " gimme a beer... and one for the road"
2 atoms are talking when one says "I think I lost an electron". The other says "are you sure?", to which the first replies "yes, I'm positive"
2 men walk into a bar, the third man ducks
Some fish are swimming upstream when they come to a big piece of concrete in the way, one of them yells out "DAM!!"
Dyslexics have more fnu
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says " gimme a beer... and one for the road"
2 atoms are talking when one says "I think I lost an electron". The other says "are you sure?", to which the first replies "yes, I'm positive"
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The Divide by Zero Foundation - Where the real world ends... and mine begins
The Divide by Zero Foundation - Where the real world ends... and mine begins
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Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
A guy's driving down the freeway, when he spies three penguins on the side of the road. He picks them up and as he's driving, a CHP officer sees the birds and pulls the guy over.
"Sir, why do you have those penguins in your car?"
"I found them on the side of the road, officer."
"Sir, you need to take those birds to the zoo right away."
The guy says, "Sure, officer, I'll get right on it." He pulls into traffic and goes on his way.
The next afternoon, the CHP officer sees the guy on the freeway again, and he still has the penguins with him. He puts on the siren and pulls him over.
"Sir, didn't I tell you to get those birds to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy says, "Why, yes, officer, and I did. We had such a good time that today I'm taking them to Disneyland."
"Sir, why do you have those penguins in your car?"
"I found them on the side of the road, officer."
"Sir, you need to take those birds to the zoo right away."
The guy says, "Sure, officer, I'll get right on it." He pulls into traffic and goes on his way.
The next afternoon, the CHP officer sees the guy on the freeway again, and he still has the penguins with him. He puts on the siren and pulls him over.
"Sir, didn't I tell you to get those birds to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy says, "Why, yes, officer, and I did. We had such a good time that today I'm taking them to Disneyland."
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If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.
Johann von Goethe
If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise.
Johann von Goethe
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A few from Grandpa:
What're the similarities between an elephant's testicles & an Irish submarine?
AND
What's the difference between an elephant's arse & a letterbox?
[I don't know..]
AND
Man A is drinking with his mates B & C at a bar. Suddenly, another man (D) bursts through the door, runs up to A & says:
"I've rooted your mum!"
D runs away.
A is a little shaken, but goes back to drinking with B & C.
Not quite 5 minutes later, D comes in again:
"Your mum's sucked my c__k!", and leaves once more.
A is a little frustrated and a little angry, but goes back to drinking with B & C.
Again, less than 5 minutes later, D pushes his way through the crowds to the bar, points at A & says:
"I've had your mum up the arse!"
A gets up from his seat, turns to D & says:
"Look, Dad. This is really embarrassing. You're pissed, now go home."
What're the similarities between an elephant's testicles & an Irish submarine?
AND
What's the difference between an elephant's arse & a letterbox?
[I don't know..]
AND
Man A is drinking with his mates B & C at a bar. Suddenly, another man (D) bursts through the door, runs up to A & says:
"I've rooted your mum!"
D runs away.
A is a little shaken, but goes back to drinking with B & C.
Not quite 5 minutes later, D comes in again:
"Your mum's sucked my c__k!", and leaves once more.
A is a little frustrated and a little angry, but goes back to drinking with B & C.
Again, less than 5 minutes later, D pushes his way through the crowds to the bar, points at A & says:
"I've had your mum up the arse!"
A gets up from his seat, turns to D & says:
"Look, Dad. This is really embarrassing. You're pissed, now go home."
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+ Rep appreciated
Last edited by witts; 03-09-08 at 03:10 AM.
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