The Joke Thread

i've heard that one. still funny though..

why did helen keller fire her maid???

she left the plunjer in the toilet

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"Aim high, it costs no more to shoot at eagles then it does to shoot at skunks"

wow, what a flurry of joke posts!! good...this thread must never die.
but the kfc joke was not funny.

thanks for posting that pic for me chris. i just think it is hilarious.

my dad asked me if i knew how indian rain dances work, then said.....they dance until it rains.

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on dance seul, on dance seul.....

How can u tell your at a gay bbq???

All the hotdogs taste like crap....

First Time I Heard This One It Cracked Up ......................



There was this piece of string that walked into a bar. It sat onto the barstool asking the bartender for a glass of beer. He looks at the piece of string and says, "Hey, get outta here - - I don't serve to string here!!! " The piece of string stepped down off the stool all upset. Walking out the door he bunked into a man who looked down asking, " Hey you, why are you so sad ?"
The piece of string told him why and then asked the man to tie him up. " Thank You", said the string. The string walked back into the bar and asked for a beer. The bartender then asked, " Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that walked into the bar before ?????? " The piece of string responded , " No sir , I'm afraid "knot"

You got it all wrong. He tied the string up and unravelled his ends--then the string could answer the bartender, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

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Good times, noodle salad.

I think you just heard a different version than I did.

my favorite joke from this thread came from sades;

a blind man walks into a bar, and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head by the leash.
the bartender runs over saying, "what the hell are you doing man?"
the man repllies, "just having a look around".

I like that one, but the Michael Jackson joke is probably my favorite, because it leads you one way so that it's damn near impossible to see where it's actually going.

I loved the seeing eye dog joke, Patti!

Here's a long one:

This old explorer dies and leaves all his belongings to his equally old sister, Maude, who's a very religious widow living in a small town. Among those belongings is his parrot, who had travelled with the old man for quite a spell.

Maude installs the parrot in her sitting room, and the next day has three of her friends over for tea. They're all sitting there, chatting about church business, when the parrot starts shrieking, "I'm a whore! I'm a whore!"

Mortified, Maude puts the parrot in the back room and apologizes to all her friends, who are highly offended. Maude considers getting rid of the parrot, but it was her dead brother's pet, and that just doesn't seem right to her, so she goes to talk to her priest to ask him what she should do.

The priest says, "Sister, I'll tell you what we'll do. I have two parrots of my own in the rectory, and one of them says the Hail Mary, and the other one says the Our Father. So you bring your parrot over here, and we'll see if my parrot can't teach yours to say something a bit more socially acceptable."

So Sunday after church, Maude takes the parrot to the rectory. She and the priest carry it into his parlor, where the other two parrots are, and as soon as they pull the sheet off the parrot's cage, it immediately starts squawking, "I'm a WHORE!"

In the other cage, one parrot turns to the other and says, "George, our prayers have been answered."

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You were a demon and a lawyer? Wow. Insert joke here."

How do you irritate a Pollack?
Put a quarter in a round room and tell him it's in the corner.

How does a Pollack irritate you?
He finds it.

Here's a great one:

An single old woman decides that she's too old to shop for everyone in her family for Christsmas, so she buys lots of Christsmas cards and writes in them: "Buy your own Christsmas present!", and adds a check. A day after she sends them, she finds the checks on her coffe table. She sent the cards without the checks, saying "Buy your own Christsmas present!"

Hellen Keller went to town,
riding on a pony.
stuck a feather in her cap,
and called it "BLEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHGHGHAG".

Two mailmen are standing on the sidewalk chatting after finishing their
routes when one notices a slug crawling by. In a rage he stomps on the poor
creature. "That was cruel," says the other mailman. "Why'd you do that?"
He replies, angrily, "That son of a bitch has been following me all day!"

Q. Why did the man go fishing?
A. Ah he did it out of halibut.

A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned."
"What did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore
a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men
having sex."
"Oh, so you were the ******* with the flashlight."

Q. Why do the Palestinians want 72 virgins.
A. Because they have to go through 71 of them before they find one that
don't laugh at their 2 inch dicks.

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom
one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately
tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly
in bed as she heard the key in the lock.
"Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of
here quick!"
"Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.
"There isn't one", she replied.
"Where would you like one?" he asked.

Q. What is the best thing that could ever come out of Afghanistan?
A. Radio-active fallout.

"I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was telling his
psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I
noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep.
I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up,
drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you
could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke?
That's a breakfast?"

Q. What do you call 30 tractors circling a McDonalds in Iowa?
A. Prom Night

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants three girls for a
hot orgy. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will
be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like
three girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a
bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it
was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on national live TV."

Q. How do Arabs tell their women from goats?
A. By counting the number of feet at the bottom of the burka.

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was
levelled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At
the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a
group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little
boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and
take that deaf bastard with you!"

Q. Did you hear about the fight in the seafood restaurant?
A. Two fish got battered.

"We're all ****ed. I'm ****ed. You're ****ed. The whole department's
****ed. It's been the biggest ****-up ever and we're all completely ****ed."
-- Sir Richard Mottram, Permanent Secretary, Department of Transport, Local
Government and the Regions. (February 2002)

Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Definition: BASTARD
A guy who makes love to a woman all night with a four inch dick, then
kisses her good-bye in the morning with a six inch tongue.

Every little girl wants to marry her daddy; but only red necks actually do.

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, You know my son, he graduated with honors from
Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000
a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class
from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he
lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well is
school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars
a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The third moma proudly replies, "Morris fixes hockey games, football games,
baseball games, tennis matches...."

Q. Have you heard about that blind hooker?
A. You've gotta hand it

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Gamer? - - - MMB WebMaster? - - - Boonism

Hope this haven't been told here already, it's been a while since I last checked this thread.

At a bar in Istanbul, an old man sits and stares gloomingly at nothing while sipping his beer. A young man decides to try to cheer him up, and he seats himself next to the old man and is just about to start a conversation when the old man interrupts him:
"It's a strange world," the old man says
"Yeah, why?" the young man replies
"Do you see that bridge over there lad?"
"Yes"
"I built that bridge with my own bare hands. It was hard work and it took me a whole year to finish it. But when it was finished, do you think people called me 'Abdul the bridge builder'?"
"I don't know, did they?"
"Oh no, they didn't. Do you see that school over there?"
"Yeah"
"I built that too you know, without the aid of any machinery. It took me two whole years to finish it. But do you think they called me 'Abdul the school builder' after that?"
"I guess not," the young man replied
"Nooo, they didn't, why would they? So after that I built that mosque over there," the old man said and pointed at the mosque. "I built that all by myself, and I didn't even demand any money for it, even though it took me a whole three years to build it. But you don't think they called me 'Abdul the mosque builder' after that, do you?"
"No, guess not," the boy answered
"Oh no, they didn't. But you f*ck one goat..."

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Ride Johnny ride

Ooooold joke, used brilliantly during the opening moments of Peter Chelsom's Funny Bones (1995), with Oliver Platt's character completely bombing onstage in Vegas.

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"Film is a disease. When it infects your bloodstream it takes over as the number one hormone. It bosses the enzymes, directs the pineal gland, plays Iago to your psyche. As with heroin, the antidote to Film is more Film." - Frank Capra

Yep, I know, still good though.
Hope you guys liked it more than Oliver Platt's audience

Test of Manhood

How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house?

Look inside your pants........If you have a penis, then it's not time

What has a fat woman and a moped got in common?

They're both a great ride until your mates see you on one


A man rings his boss at work and says "I won't be in work today, because I am sick". "Sick"! screams his boss down the phone, "sick"! This is the tenth day off this month due to your being sick!! "Exactly how sick are you" ? he asks
"Well" replies the employee "I am in bed with my 12 year old sister."

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Mostly Harmless! - Logan & Glitz's Movie & Cult Pages. http://www.loganandglitz.com

Three old men are sitting at a table playing cards.

The first one says, "The best thing that could happen to me is to have a good long pee. I sit there for twenty minutes and it just dribbles and hurts."

The second old man says, "The best thing that could happen to me is to have a good long bowel movement. I take every laxative there is and it's still a problem"

The third old man says, "That' not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee, and at 6:30 am , I have a good long bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is to wake up before 7:00 am!'

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"I bet one legend that keeps reoccurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."

Three dads are sitting in the local playground waiting on a bench for each of their sons to finish playing.

Theyre all having a good chat when one of the kids jumps off the swings and runs over to the first dad and says, "Dad! im ready to go now, im really bored and hungry" the first dad looks down at him and says "Not now Spoon! im having a chat!" The little kid runs off anoyed as the other two fathers look at the first dad and both ask "So why is he called spoon?" "the first dad replies "When he was younger, we dropped a spoon on his head and the name kind of stuck"

They all carry on chatting as another kid steps of the see-saw and runs over to the 2nd dad and shouts "DAD! i wanna go home im tired!" So the 2nd dad looks down and says "NOT NOW FORK! CAnt u see im talking!" and Fork runs off crying. The other two fathers look at the 2nd dad and ask "Wow thats a strange name, how did he get that?" He replies "When he was a baby my wife dropped a fork on his head and we thought it was a good name"

AS all of the dads get up to leave, another kid runs over from the climbing frame and looks up at the 3rd dad and shouts
"WAAAAAAOOOOOORRRHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!" in a squeel while drooling.

The 3rd dad looks down at him angrily and shouts "Not now FRIDGE!"

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Pumpkins scream in the DEAD of night!

i dont get it

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I don't have Parkinson's. I inherited my shaking head from my grandfather Hepburn. I discovered that whisky helps stop the shaking. Problem is, if you're not careful, it stops the rest of you too. My head just shakes, but I promise you, it ain't gonna fall off!

Ive edited it to make it a bit more obvios. It works as a visual joke but i think its pretty obvios this way....duh. have a think.