Long Distance Relationships

"It's the same difference."

I'm going to jump in here as the Old Lady of Wisdom on this issue. Long-distance relationships, if they are trying to be permanent romantic relationships, by human nature will have to meet up and test each other out at some point.

I recommend that happen sooner rather than later. I have met many friends from online over the years, and although many were about as I expected them, many also were not. If you are going for a permanent "she's the one" relationship with someone you only know from a distance, you will need to see if being around each other will work. And that can only be tested with actual physical time together. So many factors can change your perception of her. Silly things. Little things.

-- How she smells
-- Her idiosyncrasies and mannerisms
-- How she eats her food
-- How she dresses and her personal hygiene
-- What she likes to do (even when there's nothing to do)

If you are already head-over-heels, many of these things won't even be dealt with in the first visit together. You'll be too busy seeing stars to notice whether or not she picks her teeth at dinner or blows her nose too loudly for your liking. Remember, you're talking about a possible lifetime commitment here.

Also, be sure you've got the "who is moving where" thing down. It's easy for one person in this situation to say he or she would move to another country for love, but when would the homesickness set in? (Trust me, it will.) One of you is asking the other to give up all sense of home, all the past, all friends and family, just for the other person. That is a huge responsibility for the one who's staying and a huge sacrifice for the one that's moving. Any time you have a fight (and you will), it'll be way too easy to default to one of you saying, "I moved here for you!" and the other one saying, "I took you in!"

This kind of transition can work. I know a few people who've moved to different countries to marry and be with other people. But, they've nearly all been much older and more mature.

The world you live in with a long-distance relationship (especially if the parties haven't ever met yet) is not quite the 100% real world yet. Love wants to express itself physically (not just sex, but just seeing each other, hugging, holding hands, being in the same ROOM), and that's only natural.

God once said, "For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and *cleave* to his wife." There is a sense of clinging and attaching that is missing from any long-distance relationship. That's what causes the pain. It's an unnatural state.

I think part of that unnatural state of denial is what causes an overinflated sense of importance in the relationship. It's too easy to put the relationship on a pedestal in order to nurture it, to blow it out of proportion and make it seem like more than it is. The longer you wait to meet each other, the harder it will be when you do to be brutally honest with yourself about whether or not she really *should* be "the one." Your judgment will be clouded with all the emotional investment so far.

That's my two cents, but it's based on a lot of experience, not just other people's but my own as well.

Linda

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Austruck you are so right, Pid and others should take your words of wisdom, I have never had a long distance relationship but I know many who have and I have yet to see one work. It seems to me that they fall in love with a fantasy and the reality is very different.

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What's a 'fantasy'? The fact that you already know that person intimately before you actually meet? Sometimes you feel 'free' to give a hell of a lot more information or 'open up' more than you would face-to-face. So in fact, often you can be more 'closer' when you are in a distant relationship.
I've seen many people in my years think that they are so close and end up splitting and they were in the same area, in fact, in the same house!
I'm sure there are some relationships 'online' that are purely based on 'fun and fantasy', but don't predict the outcome on those that aren't.

I didn't mean to imply that all relationships that start online fail. Heck, I met my HUSBAND online, for cryin' out loud.

All I was saying that, for any relationship that starts online to flourish in the romantic arena, especially since Pidzilla was saying things like she could be "the one" and language like that, then the relationship will have to be tested in the real world for it to survive. And the sooner that happens, the better.

Words of wisdom I heeded and see as smart are that you should see a potential mate at all seasons of the year, and with family members, etc. So many people are different during different times of year, different holidays, etc. If you don't spend upwards to a year of "real life" with the person somehow, you're hurting your chances for success. The more you're physically around the person, the more accurate a picture you will see of him or her.

That's all I was saying. Words of caution, but not necessarily words of doom. Just caution. Breakups are much easier than divorces. Trust me.

Yes I did get what you were saying sorry if it came over the wrong way, the internet is just another way to meet people and maybe fall in love. I was just saying that all the people who I know who have met on the net have been madly in love but when they finally got togeather it hasn't worked out at all.

sorry again for the mix up but I still think you had a lot of good advice.

And then there's me -- didn't really LIKE my husband at first on the internet but he talked me into dinner. (Hey, he was paying!) Then when I met him, I REALLY didn't like him very much. But he kept paying for dinner, and movies, and go-kart racing, etc. etc. (My version of a sugar-daddy, I guess! Ha!) And he was a very nice gentleman with me. And that finally won me over -- his respect, his caring, and his very WEIRD sense of humor, which took me months to start to figure out.

It took me nearly eight months of real-life time with him to realize he was the "catch" for me. If we had continued just on the internet, I don't think I would have gotten to that point. The internet in some ways can make things better or worse in a relationship -- just like anything else.

As long as you know the shortfalls of meeting romantically over the internet, and are trying to overcome them, that's a lot of the battle.

I can, though, also remember a lot of folks who seemed amazing online, and perfect matches for me, who were real duds in real life. What an eye-opener those experiences were!

Your Husband sounds a lot like mine, we met through work but got togeather after he left when we met at a party 1 year later. We have been married 12years next week and I love him more now than ever. When you meet the right one it's great.

Good for you also that you have a nice guy

It doesn't really matter where you meet, I think that the feelings behind them are all the same. I hope I didn't come off too strong in my comments either, but it's something I feel quite strong about. You can meet people in person and never really know them either.
I don't know how long you were conversing over the Net before you actually met but it may also depend on your personality too. I'm very shy and very quiet. Writing gives me that freedom to talk that I can't do in person.
To also have met someone on the Net in your own country is another plus and sometimes can be taken for granted. In this, I can sympathise with Pid.
I consider you very lucky.

Wow! I've created a monster!!! But a pretty nice one...

I think Austruck has a lot of good points, and trust me, I've thought about them all. I'm not naive but I don't think I have to worry about things like how she blows her nose and stuff like that. If she does it loudly I will only laugh my ass off. The biggest issue is of course the fact that we live in different countries, yes. But as long as it's not forever, I really don't mind leaving Sweden and my friends and family for some time. I will miss them, sure, but I did it before when I lived in Dublin for a while, and I was ok.

Keep the thread going! It's interesting!

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They had temporarily escaped the factories, the warehouses, the slaughterhouses, the car washes - they'd be back in captivity the next day but now they were out - they were wild with freedom. They weren't thinking about the slavery of poverty. Or the slavery of welfare and food stamps. The rest of us would be all right until the poor learned how to make atom bombs in their basements.

I'm unsure what you mean, Piddzilla, when you say "as long as it's not forever."

If you guys end up together permanently (married), then isn't one of you going to have to move away from "home" forever? Or do you plan to move back and forth every few years? (I mean that honestly, although it sounds silly when I write it.)

Also, from experience I can tell you that the idiosyncrasies that seem cute or funny in the beginning can grate on you later if there are other things wrong with the relationship. As with all relationships, to keep those little things from grating, you have to make sure you have at least somewhat similar views on the big things:

how to handle money
religion
politics (if possible)
children
roles in the household

I've found over the years that these are the sort of basics that can make or break a relationship. There really is no such thing as "Our love will conquer all." Love can conquer many things, but differences in viewpoints on the basics (especially if you are older already!) usually isn't one of the things it conquers easily. At the very least, you want to give the relationship a fighting chance by having the right things in common.

I think a lot of young people think you have to have the same *hobbies* in common rather than viewpoints, and I'll testify that that's not true. In fact, I'd be wary of having the same hobbies but different viewpoints on the basics. Hobbies can only carry you so far, and you can't use them to cover up widely varying viewpoints on religion, money, and children, let's say.

My husband and I have very few hobbies in common. I love to read, go to the movies, crochet, write [a novel right now], and meet with my friends and gab. He loves to ski, watch movies at home, NEVER reads, and is very quiet even with his friends (whom he doesn't see much). But we have the basics in common and it gives us a much firmer foundation of security and trust. There is a comfort and ease between us that I never really thought possible before.

And, no matter how any of you meet "the right one," I wish you all that same ease and security. There is nothing like being with someone you trust implicitly, who will be there for you no matter what, and who can stand next to you throughout life. Net or real life, I highly recommend it!



Blessings,
Linda

When Pid said 'as long as it's not forever', I think he meant that he could go back to Sweden for holidays. You'd have to confirm that, Pid. I've lived in another country before and came back home on a regular basis. Having said that, I don't think I could do it again. Maybe that's cos I'm older now, I'm not sure. Could I do it for love tho? That's tough. I understand what you're saying, Linda, when you say sometimes love doesn't conquer all. No it doesn't and issues will arise constantly too... I'm thinking not only on different views but different backgrounds/culture... No matter how open-minded we think we are on things, sometimes ..... well, I'm sure you know what I mean. My point that I was trying to make previously was that feelings felt over the distance (Net or whatever) can be just as strong as those felt when you are face-to-face. I'm sure that similar issues would also arise in this case too.

... and Pid, yes, you have opened up a can of worms!

I agree that feelings can be just as intense over the Net as in person. But I honestly don't think you can live that way (romantically) for very long without the pain Pid is feeling ... or without finally making a way to test the waters a little.

Getting to know a person from the inside out has definite advantages, and I prefer it. (Otherwise I'd have never gone to meet my husband that first time!)

Feelings are powerful things, no matter how they start. But I've also learned that the "head over heels" thing changes to a different type of love, a more lasting type of settled-in love -- and that love is the one that has to know how to weather any storm. Till you get past that giddy stage (which won't happen till you meet and spend time together), you really can't judge if a relationship can last long-term.

That's been my experience, and jives with everything I've read on relationships.

I think I'm starting to talk in circles now. LOL! Sorry!

No, Linda, you're making perfect sense... and sound ever-the-wise-woman-of-the-world.
I think there are issues that you confront online too that you have to 'weather' the storm on. I do agree tho, that you need to take it a step further if you feel that's the person you want. That's the scary part.

Like Fox assumed, yes, I meant like going back on holidays and such. The dream is of course being able to live on two locations, but it's yet just a dream.

Hmmm... That might be a problem. I'm cheap. She's not.

She's a believing catholic, but not a very "active" one. I'm a non-religious protestant. I'm kind of curious about her faith and want to "learn more". She tolerates me the way I am. No problem there, I think.

This is actually very important to me and fortunately we share the most basic values and views.

I love kids and she looooooooooooooooves kids. She wants a thousand and I want a couple, so I guess we'll have to compromise on that one. Actually, I think she wants four. I can live with that. (I will have to regeret that I said that probably...)

She's very conservative about those things... But I think it will turn out well. I don't mind "staying out of her kitchen".

We have some "hobbies" in common, like film and music, but we are very different in other ways. When I started to know her I thought "no way" because of the distance and our totally different backgrounds, but I like people with a nice inside and hers is very beautiful. And we both like staying home and taking it easy instead of being out partying every night. Heck, I'm getting old!

If preferring to stay home makes you old, then I'm ancient -- and so is Yoda!

LOL!

Anyone with a "nice inside" is worth fighting for. Frankly, if someone has a kind, gentle, forgiving, optimistic, fun spirit, THAT is the kind of thing that can conquer all.

And what a very sweet way of putting it: having a "nice inside." I really like that image. The friends that have stayed with me over the years (and I still am close to friends I had in GRADE SCHOOL even though we live hundreds of miles apart) all have "nice insides." My husband has a very gentle, nice inside. And I don't mind his outsides very much either!

Blessings on your plans, Pidd! May everyone find what I seem to have found -- and quite against my own will, at first!

I think an Austruck's Advice thread would be awesome…

And Piddy… I have to agree… that is a sweet way to put that… "nice inside"… I wish you two the best …

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Good one, Cait, maybe Linda's Lonely Hearts even...

Knowing someone on 'the inside' we've started to call it knowing that person's soul of sorts.

Good luck with whatever you guys decide, Pid.

That he certainly is.

Then me and my girl is off with a good start. She has all those things in her. And I know that my dry sense of humor makes her laugh as well.

I thought everybody said that: "inside". Like "it's the inside that counts" sort of... No matter how attractive someone is - and she is very very beautiful - an ugly inside ruins everything.

Thank you!

That could be useful sometimes, yes.

And thank you to you too. When you live this far away from each other you don't have no choice but to learn to listen to what the other person is saying to you, not only watching her say it. That's why I think I know her inside so well...

Thanks! And "soul" is perhaps a nicer word than "inside". I just know she's a knock-out on all levels; emotional, intellectual and physical.