Sexy Cineplexy: Reviews

For Arnie, nothing beats Commando.

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5-time MoFo Award winner.

As always Sexy a highly entertaining review.

I really need to watch Commando again someday soon. I've seen it before but not for a long while and as a result I don't remember a great deal. All the love it gets on here however has really put me in the mood for it again.

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PREDATOR
(directed by John McTiernan, 1987)



Bill Duke (Mac) sweating profusely in Predator is beautiful in high definition. I thought he was Forest Whitaker, though.



Predator is the 1987 smash hit film from the soon to be director of Die Hard, John McTiernan. It is not as good as Die Hard, in my opinion, and although I found Predator stunning to watch, I'm also somewhat disappointed. I liked Commando more. Yet, this film ain't too bad -- but it feels like a low grade Alien movie for men -- while the Alien films are somewhat more women oriented since Sigourney Weaver is the lead star. Predator is a romp in the jungle with Arnold Schwarzenegger and the guys, including Jesse Ventura as a g*ddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Is there any kind of subtext to Predator that you could read into? I thought I was picking up on some stuff at first, but nothing really panned out for me. I thought it was interesting how during the first half hour of the movie, the guys are all killing and fighting off a bunch of human beings, and then suddenly they're facing off against the Predator. As if there's a message to mankind here -- Don't hurt your own species! You need each other to fight against aliens from other planets!

And why had the Predator not killed all of those people in his jungle yet?



Also, what was the Predator doing there? He was just dropped off by a spaceship, wasn't he? I saw Alien Vs. Predator and I remember the Predators were ritually fighting against the aliens, I think. Was going into the jungle and killing human beings part of another ritual? Was the Predator just some kind of alien hunter looking for trophies? Much is left unexplained in this first Predator movie. The Predator also seems to give up too easily, in the end -- which was another disappointment.

It's strange that Arnold Schwarzenegger did this movie, yet it also adds a lot. Yet I also wonder if the movie could have been better with someone else -- someone not so much a bodybuilder.

There's not much to Predator other than a lot of badass violence (much stronger even than Commando), a lot of gun action and explosions, a freaky looking murderous alien, some mesmerizing visuals, hot muscular guys in military fatigues, and a standard story in which practically all of the main characters are killed by the villain, leaving a few who are rescued and carted off and then, POOF, the movie's over. Predator probably has good replay value (ask The Rodent for more information about this) -- you could watch it more than once. But what are you really getting out of it?



This is a war movie with an alien. If you want a war movie with an alien, Predator is your movie.

Also -- the WORST part of the movie -- THE END CREDITS. It's a bunch of clips of each actor in the movie, showing their real name and character name, and they're filmed SMILING. All of them except Arnold Schwarzenegger do this fake, stupid smile. I couldn't believe it - it was ludicrous. One of the dorkiest end credits sequences ever. It just felt wrong. Yeah, they have a lot to smile about -- they all died!



Also, with Carl Weathers and Schwarzenegger in the film, it sort of feels like Rocky in Space, without Rocky and without space. And I absolutely loved the Native American guy, Sonny Landham. If he's Native American, that is.

The end credit sequence was meant to give a nostalgic air to the ending...

Seeing them one last time on all their glory etc...


The alien was their on a hunt as well... humans go on safari, Predator Aliens do the same but go from planet to planet instead.

Nicew review though, nice to hear another standpoint on it... I rated it 99% myself though.

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As I've said before, Predator gets worse and worse every time I watch it now. However, it's still good fun, but there's nothing that compares with Commando in the Arnie canon. If you get the chance to watch it with the Rifftrax, that's worth a go. Not one of their best, but it works for Predator.

It's been a long time, but I think I prefer The Running Man to Predator and I certainly prefer Total Recall.

Good show, SC. Jolly good show. That Commando review was everything I could've asked for - actually had me chuckling as I read it.

I also recommend The Running Man - definitely not as good as Commando or Predator, but it's worth watching at least once.

See Sub-Zero? Now Plain Zero.

PULP FICTION
(directed by Quentin Tarantino, 1994)



This is a brutal movie. Not brutal like Commando or Predator brutal -- this movie is brutal on your soul. This movie is not light or carefree at all -- this film is hard hitting and angry at you. This movie is ready to scold you. This movie is the voice of God. And not a pleasant God, either. This is the God from The Bible -- this is the God who will strike down upon you with great vengeance. I am not big on the The Bible and I don't know it very well or study it in great detail -- but Pulp Fiction is The Bible translated for our modern age through the cinema.



Pulp Fiction is a nasty movie with nasty truths. The Earth is evil. Laws cannot save us or protect us. Power can be attained through methods not morally responsible. Human beings are filth. Sainthood is rare and difficult to achieve. We all live in the ghetto -- we're all trapped in Hell. Life cannot play out as we plan it to be and at any moment, you could be blessed with luck or curse. For every angel, there is a demon.



Pulp Fiction is the story of gangsters and drugs and criminals and rapist homosexuals and prizefighters that kill and $5 milkshakes and women who want potbellies and female taxi cab drivers named Esmeralda and dead bodies in your garage and stories of foot massages that led to violence and gold watches that spent years in men's asses.

The film is divided up into chapters and the story does not play out in order. What is the story of Pulp Fiction? It does not matter. For your enjoyment, you can connect everything and figure out how everything is supposed to go, but essentially, Pulp Fiction is pogo sticking from place to place and time to time. One minute a character has been killed, the next minute he's fully alive. Pulp Fiction is the eye of God that's well aware we're inside his eye, and He is allowing us to understand his perceptions of these people that he's focusing on. He WANTS us to understand what he's thinking and seeing.



Quentin Tarantino might be a tool that God is using to speak to the masses. Pulp Fiction is God's loudest proclamation. That's why everyone loves it. That's why everyone finds it cool. That's why everyone paid attention to it.

People don't just find it COOL --- they find it really f**kin' scary. Pulp Fiction is serious business. It is a harsh reminder that God is still with us.



And He's closer than you think.

I actually read somewhere once that even the title, Pulp Fiction, was a metaphor for the bible itself And your first paragraph that I've quoted does kind of make sense and I agree with it to some extent, especially if you're looking for a meaning within the film. Although all these characters are I believe 'cool', they are all ultimately 'evil', they are criminals. The film is about the morality of these men, their lives, the choices they make. These characters we are shown from their point of view, they have ordinary conversations, to us they seem like ordinary people, we become accustomed to their criminal lifestyle just how they have become and it is not clear that we are watching a brutal criminal world.

An example of this is Vince when he's talking to the stoner guy for the first time, he complains about how wrong it is for people to key cars, yet a few moments later he is injecting drugs into his body. Then later on, he shoots an innocent man in the face, but it is all a joke. Then there are the dilemmas these characters face, Jules talks to himself in the mirror over what he should do with Mia Wallace, not because he is a good man, but he knows the consequences of what Marsellus could do to him, another choice is that of Butch who decides to go back and save Marsellus, again not because he is a good man, but ultimately through the fear of living his live hiding from punishment of those hunting him. These characters are forced to make choices, they do not see the good vs evil moral dilemma, they just see potential consequences because of the lifestyle they live.

And I just want to say the second paragraph I quoted is great

You should watch/review Jackie Brown next, now that would be interesting

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Yeh I think Butch is a very lucky guy, he keeps getting presented these opportunities to carry on his life, the gun in the apartment, chance to save Marsellus Wallace etc. This is in contrast to Vincent Vega's character who I'm not sure if you've noticed is very unlucky, especially when he goes to the toilet! In Mia Wallace's house he goes to the bathroom, she ODs, when he's in Butch's house he goes to the toilet and ends up getting killed, when he's in the diner he goes to the toilet and he ends up coming out to a robbery, then you have him accidentally killing an innocent man in the car.

I love Alexis Arquette.

That would be great. Have you seen Last Exit to Brooklyn? I think it was her first role and she plays a transvestite.

Her (his) last scene in that is as much a hoot as in Pulp Fiction

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
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THE MASTER
(directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, 2012)



CULTS! In the 1950's. With Joaquin Phoenix as a member. You know you have to see it -- or do you? The Master, a tale of a young, reckless, job surfing man who winds up becoming a surrogate family member among a bunch of wacko, past life exploring, trying-to-become-superhuman cult members led by Philip Seymour Hoffman, is intriguing and in my opinion, a necessary watch for everybody, but the movie did not leave me breathless.

The first 25 minutes are spent focusing on Joaquin Phoenix before he gets involved with the cult. We see him hanging out on a beach with his World War II buddies, building a giant naked woman sand sculpture, which he masturbates to in the ocean. Later in the movie, Philip Seymour Hoffman gets masturbated by Amy Adams -- lots of masturbation in this movie. Lots of naked women are also seen, but only the tip of an ass crack belonging to Joaquin Phoenix is shown. Miss Vicky, take note.



After he gets out of the war, Joaquin tries a few jobs. At first he's a department store photographer. There's a moment in the department store where a prostitute -- very well dressed and not sleazy looking at all -- is going around and approaching people by opening her coat and saying, "$45." I did NOT even realize she was a prostitute until after Joaquin Phoenix bought her. I thought she was some sort of clothes model who was trying to get people interested in the dress she was wearing and make them buy it for $45!

I have to say, though, I kinda blame the movie for that. This movie is... hard to take. I mean, I had to get up and get a beer during it -- this movie is basically a film about mental illness. It's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest or something. All of these characters are mentally messed up!

And, it's also really surprising that Joaquin Phoenix was nominated for an Oscar in this -- he acts a lot like Joaquin Phoenix to me. At least, the Joaquin Phoenix I remember well from I'm Still Here. Both the Joaquin Phoenix from that movie and the "Freddie" character he plays in The Master are crazy, rollicking, sex obsessed, substance abusing laughing idiots. It's as if Joaquin Phoenix chose this script just because it would be easy for him to do. Maybe I'm Still Here was real and The Master is just something he did to ease back into the film business after failing at hip hop music?



The scenes with the cult members are mildly bizarre (in a moderately bizarre movie overall) and sometimes they get boring and practically pointless, such as a scene in which Joaquin Phoenix keeps touching walls and windows. The film is said to be based on the Scientology religion, with Hoffman's character based on L. Ron Hubbard, but many sources, probably out of fear, deny that it's based on Scientology. However, I believe Paul Thomas Anderson is on record saying L. Ron Hubbard inspired him. The film plays out like how you could imagine Scientology must have started off in its early days -- books being written, meetings taking place, old ladies getting robbed of all of their money, etc. etc. Eventually, the cult of this movie - called "The Cause" - gets bigger and bigger and extends its membership to schools in England, where Philip Seymour Hoffman's "Master" character later moves to.



What's surprising about The Master is that there's not much drama involving a struggle for Joaquin Phoenix to get out of the cult. In fact, I would even say it's sort of positive towards the idea of having something above you and controlling your life. "We all have masters" -- if I'm quoting that right -- is something said by Philip Seymour Hoffman's character, Lancaster Dodd.



The Master is very beautiful to look at (on Blu-ray) and at times, interesting and perhaps memorable. The use of aggressive psychology on board a boat at one point made the film feel something akin to Dr. Phil Takes Titanic.

Just don't get yourself involved with cults and sociopathic cult leaders, my friends. Let this movie be a lesson to you that there are dangerous, psychotic people in the world who are defective and who want your money, your life, and your soul. Demonstrating this very fact is the greatest thing this movie has got going for it.

Miss Vicky already saw it.

I haven't seen it yet but must catch up with it nice review, thanks

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Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

SUBURBAN COMMANDO
(directed by Burt Kennedy, 1991)



Iroquois, are you sure you didn't mean for me to watch Suburban Commando instead of just plain old Commando? It feels more like the right kind of movie for me to review.

Hulk Hogan stars in a movie with Christopher Lloyd...



and SHELLEY DUVALL ...



Yes, that's right -- Shelley Duvall. I could just end the review right about here, couldn't I? Shelley Duvall. As Christopher Lloyd's wife.

Christopher Lloyd is a wimpy, wussy architect married to Shelley Duvall, who plays sex games with him involving big, curly wigs, when she's not watching failed 1990's talk shows like The Marsha Warfield Show and screaming for her health to relieve tensions. One day, Shep Ramsey (Hulk Hogan) flies down to Earth in his spaceship to take a vacation, per orders from his superior officer. Shep is an interstellar warrior on a mission to capture a bad guy from outer space called General Suitor. But now he's on a break - to de-stress - so he rents a room at Christopher Lloyd's house. The room, by the way, was originally Christopher Lloyd's workshop/shed, but crazy Shelley Duvall converted it into a rentable apartment while he was at work, unaware it was being converted. Never fear, though, for his tools are still there, all packed into a little closet.

Christopher Lloyd's family, which includes two kids, take to Shep well, but the members of the suburban neighborhood he's in experience more hell than they're used to. The mailman, the paperboy, the rednecks working on cars and parking things where they're not supposed to, the rowdy skateboarder kids, the ridiculous street mime, the local cats, the old ladies thumping melons, even a car alarm with a personality -- all fall victim to the massive, muscular, blonde, hunky, sexy Hulk Hogan, who can be very protective and caring, but he's also got a lot of attitude and steam to blow off.



General Suitor, who is some kind of half man/half reptile villain, is trying to track down Shep whenever any of Shep's tools (like his ray gun or even the ghost meter reader thing used in Ghostbusters, which pops up in this movie) turn on. Two big bounty hunter guys under Suitor's orders travel to Earth and stroll around together in a "Just Married!" car looking for Shep. Eventually, Suitor himself finally makes it to Earth and there is, of course, an obligatory fight between Shep, Suitor and even Christopher Lloyd, whose testicles must have been eaten off by Shelley Duvall 'cause he spends his whole time in Suburban Commando trying to regrow them. Either Shelley Duvall ate them or something happened to him between Back to the Future III and Suburban Commando --- I'm not sure, but my money's on Shelley's mouth.



Suburban Commando made me laugh sometimes. The movie, overall though, is bad. This is supposed to be a kid's movie, but the story follows Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd's relationship, with kids popping up at odd moments just to remind everybody that the film is supposed to be regarded as something like Commando or Rambo Jr., I suppose. Hulk either deals with some skateboarders, or he plays an arcade game with a kid (and wins), or he "rescues" a kitty from a tree for a little girl. The rest of the time, Hulk's either beating up a mime, beating up bad guys or eating Shelley Duvall's cake. In the end, he runs off back to outer space with Christopher Lloyd's sexually aggressive secretary and Christopher Lloyd goes back to drag racing at a traffic light with some random middle aged woman in a red convertible. Not quite RuPaul's Drag Race, but getting there (Shelley Duvall's already got a membership card for the local wig shop.)



I recommend Suburban Commando just to watch Hulk Hogan's hunky ass strut around and, of course, Shelley Duvall (but not to watch her skinny ass strut around, unless she's your type, in which case you need Dr. Phil's therapy.)

Oh, and this movie actually started off as a project for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, but the two of them, I guess, bolted from this project and went off to make Twins, instead. That explains why this film is basically a buddy movie between Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd. Seriously -- Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd instead of Arnold and Danny? No wonder it didn't work. And no wonder they had to cast Shelley Duvall to save this thing. Still, Suburban Commando is a wacky little movie and for that I like it. It's just not great.

You got to remember that Freddie is not just some free spirited surfer dude but a severely disturbed individual obsessed with freedom and sex.
He does come off as somewhat of a creep. This is one of the reasons he was chosen to be the guiniepig for the Master's experiment.

The Master trying to socially deprogram an extremely geneticaly coded individual.