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Badlands
(directed by Terrence Malick, 1973)
The only reason to watch Badlands is to stare at the sex god Martin Sheen. Come, worship, then go.
What a beautiful creature. Him and his son, Emilio Estevez, were both sex gods in their heydays. It is no coincidence that both Badlands and Emilio's famous movie, Repo Man, were both the top selling Criterion Blu-rays this week (at least, they appeared to be that way to me -- ask Nausicaa, she bought both of them this week). These guys were studs in their younger years. They both look alike. They both have the same kind of badass attitude. If I could go back in time and have a threesome with both of them, I would. Hell, I might even go for a threesome in present time. Actually, I know I would. I could use the exercise.
I'm surprised Badlands is so beloved, though. It is, isn't it? This movie is nothing but a more picturesque version of The Doom Generation. Less drugs, more cows. And more depressing. All Martin Sheen does in the movie is kill people by shooting them in the stomach. And frankly, it's Sissy Spacek whom I hate more -- she's the 15 year old girlfriend of Martin Sheen's character, Kit, who took her away from her life in South Dakota with her father (Kit killed him, of course) so they could go and live as criminals on the run. She just lays around and watches as her boyfriend kills person after person. What is she doing with this maniac anyway?
I mean, I understand -- he's gorgeous. He has a sexy voice. He has a nice ass. He has great hair, a pretty face, and he wears a lot of denim. He began the movie working as a trash collector, but so what? I'd f**k him inside a big trash compactor on top of hundreds of dead bodies the Mafia doesn't want you to know about if I had to. I'd get all of my meals out of garbage cans for him -- how could I ever go hungry when I've got a Martin Sheen buffet 24/7? But I'd probably start having problems once he started, ya know, shootin' and killin' every man he came across. I mean, I understand Martin Sheen is a sex god, but to some other woman (or, more likely, a man) those men that are being killed are sex gods to someone else. When you kill a man, you kill a penis. Ain't that right? So, Sissy Spacek, all you do in this movie is condone penis murder while you get to have the best penis around. And what a tramp she is! At the end of this movie, we even find out that the little floozy married the son of her lawyer! Can we spell S-L-U-T? Was she even legal age yet? And another thing about Sissy Spacek -- why can't her parents ever stay alive? In Carrie, she killed her mother. In Badlands, her boyfriend kills her father. Anyone who has a daughter that looks like Sissy Spacek -- 1.) Give her a makeover. 2.) Give her up for adoption. Having that kid is a death sentence! 3.) Burn all the adoption papers. Make sure she never finds you.
I didn't love Badlands. I find it very shallow and one dimensional. It is nothing but a rebel teenager movie with violence and murder. No different -- and not as good, in my opinion -- than something like one of my favorite movies, The Doom Generation, which came out in 1995. Badlands may be pretty and gorgeously filmed, but the only thing about it that really gave me sustenance was Martin Sheen's Greek God beauty. Had an uglier man played Kit, I'd completely despise this film. You CAN get away with a lot of things by just being beautiful. If there's one thing I hope to teach the world before I die, it's that. Being sexy is a privilege. It may be accidental, but so is everything else that happens to you in life (I believe we don't have free will, so that goes with that.)
Martin Sheen makes me horny. In Badlands, at least. I didn't get horny over him in The Way. If Martin Sheen makes you horny, check out Badlands. If Sissy Spacek makes you horny, check out "mental hospitals" in your local phone book (if they even still have phone books).
(directed by Terrence Malick, 1973)
The only reason to watch Badlands is to stare at the sex god Martin Sheen. Come, worship, then go.
What a beautiful creature. Him and his son, Emilio Estevez, were both sex gods in their heydays. It is no coincidence that both Badlands and Emilio's famous movie, Repo Man, were both the top selling Criterion Blu-rays this week (at least, they appeared to be that way to me -- ask Nausicaa, she bought both of them this week). These guys were studs in their younger years. They both look alike. They both have the same kind of badass attitude. If I could go back in time and have a threesome with both of them, I would. Hell, I might even go for a threesome in present time. Actually, I know I would. I could use the exercise.
I'm surprised Badlands is so beloved, though. It is, isn't it? This movie is nothing but a more picturesque version of The Doom Generation. Less drugs, more cows. And more depressing. All Martin Sheen does in the movie is kill people by shooting them in the stomach. And frankly, it's Sissy Spacek whom I hate more -- she's the 15 year old girlfriend of Martin Sheen's character, Kit, who took her away from her life in South Dakota with her father (Kit killed him, of course) so they could go and live as criminals on the run. She just lays around and watches as her boyfriend kills person after person. What is she doing with this maniac anyway?
I mean, I understand -- he's gorgeous. He has a sexy voice. He has a nice ass. He has great hair, a pretty face, and he wears a lot of denim. He began the movie working as a trash collector, but so what? I'd f**k him inside a big trash compactor on top of hundreds of dead bodies the Mafia doesn't want you to know about if I had to. I'd get all of my meals out of garbage cans for him -- how could I ever go hungry when I've got a Martin Sheen buffet 24/7? But I'd probably start having problems once he started, ya know, shootin' and killin' every man he came across. I mean, I understand Martin Sheen is a sex god, but to some other woman (or, more likely, a man) those men that are being killed are sex gods to someone else. When you kill a man, you kill a penis. Ain't that right? So, Sissy Spacek, all you do in this movie is condone penis murder while you get to have the best penis around. And what a tramp she is! At the end of this movie, we even find out that the little floozy married the son of her lawyer! Can we spell S-L-U-T? Was she even legal age yet? And another thing about Sissy Spacek -- why can't her parents ever stay alive? In Carrie, she killed her mother. In Badlands, her boyfriend kills her father. Anyone who has a daughter that looks like Sissy Spacek -- 1.) Give her a makeover. 2.) Give her up for adoption. Having that kid is a death sentence! 3.) Burn all the adoption papers. Make sure she never finds you.
I didn't love Badlands. I find it very shallow and one dimensional. It is nothing but a rebel teenager movie with violence and murder. No different -- and not as good, in my opinion -- than something like one of my favorite movies, The Doom Generation, which came out in 1995. Badlands may be pretty and gorgeously filmed, but the only thing about it that really gave me sustenance was Martin Sheen's Greek God beauty. Had an uglier man played Kit, I'd completely despise this film. You CAN get away with a lot of things by just being beautiful. If there's one thing I hope to teach the world before I die, it's that. Being sexy is a privilege. It may be accidental, but so is everything else that happens to you in life (I believe we don't have free will, so that goes with that.)
Martin Sheen makes me horny. In Badlands, at least. I didn't get horny over him in The Way. If Martin Sheen makes you horny, check out Badlands. If Sissy Spacek makes you horny, check out "mental hospitals" in your local phone book (if they even still have phone books).