The Joke Thread

These are also incredibly cute

1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

2. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

3. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . ."

4. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

5. All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

6. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

7. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

8. Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Many say monogamy is the same.

9. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

10. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

11. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said,"Dust!"

12. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

13. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.

14. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

15. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

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Another high quality post by Fez Wizardo

Um...I didn't find any of those,"cute".

I'm taking it Fez your not too high on the whole wedding concept.

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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." - Mitch Hedberg

OUCH!

You're gonna owe me BIG for that one Fezzie-Pooh. I'm offended.

tee hee hee

I've been with my girlfriend a long long time and I'm never going to get married. I don't see the point. As I am now is good enough.

Naturally she never gets to hear these jokes

What does SHE want. Cause if she's not happy, you're not getting any.

Yeah. I would keep this little cache of jokes to yourself. Most of them wouldn't go over well in mixed company and most guys won't get them.

if she wasn't happy she wouldn't be with me I like sexist jokes they stir the atmosphere up a bit - you're always garunteed a reaction, even better if you get a comback:

Why it's great to be a bloke

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

If you are 30 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a footy game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job .... . more pay.

The world is your urinal.

if a man makes a statement in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it, its he still wrong?

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on dance seul, on dance seul.....

Why did the cookie go the hospital?!

because he was feeling crumby!!!!

BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!

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Horror's Not Dead
Latest Movie Review(s): Too lazy to keep this up to date. New reviews every week.

Make it go away.

The estate of Frank Sinatra released a line of neckwear using his name and artwork. They called them "Alleged Mob Ties".


After the last Winter Olympics, medal-winning skiier Picabo Street returned home a champion. To honor her achievements, the hospital in her hometown named its new wing after her: the Picabo I.C.U.


What does the acronym N.A.S.C.A.R. stand for? Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks.


What do Dale Earnhart and Pink Floyd have in common? For each, their last big hit was The Wall.

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"Film is a disease. When it infects your bloodstream it takes over as the number one hormone. It bosses the enzymes, directs the pineal gland, plays Iago to your psyche. As with heroin, the antidote to Film is more Film." - Frank Capra

Jokes like that last one are better left untold. The first was alright, though.

Q: What note do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A: A Flat Miner.

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between
the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She
then left to get some hot dogs and drinks.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked,
"Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's
legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"
Well, why did mummy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the
boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled
that woman, son!"




A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and let's have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again".





And an old favourite...

Elton John, Bono and Michael Jackson are on board a plane that's about to crash and it has only 3 parachutes on board. The pilot tells the celebrities that they should take the parachutes. So Bono says: "No. Save the children."
Elton John says: "F*ck the children".
And then Michael Jackson says: "Do we have time?"

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I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

i love jokes like this......

I'm surprised Chris hasn't said something about this one.

What am I gonna say? I dunno if MJ's guilty of all that, but regardless, his music sounds the same. I've heard MJ jokes I can appreciate. Like this one:

Got a good laugh out of that one.