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When getting ready to see House of the Dead, I was actually pretty excited. Here was a perfect chance to adapt a video game to the big screen and actually make it good. All you'd have to do is place a couple of cops on an island with a bunch of guns and you got yourself one hell of a firefight.
Then they wrote a bunch of teenagers into the plot.
After wicked opening credits, which show fuzzy game footage while a nice beat is playing actually prepares the audience for one hell of a good flick. But the characters speak and all hell breaks loose. They've been written some of the worst dialogue ever which includes this tasty morsel.
Some guy who's name I don't remember (I think it was Rudy?) - "but at the back of my head, something was nibbling".
Hey, she's a fencer!
House of the Dead starts with a poorly written voice over from the main character, Rudy whining about the fact that it's his fault that all his friends are dead. He then introduces us to his friends. There are two guys that look identical, Greg and Simon. Both speak with the same tone, both are idiots. You'd think the screenwriter just split up one part into two so there could be more people to kill.
Then we get the hot chick who is nothing more than hot. There's the black feisty chick who's as tough as nails but as a big thing for Simon.
Also in the mix is Rudy's ex-girlfriend, Alicia,who we're told dumped him so he could spend more time on his studies and she could spend more time fencing. Why is she a fencer? Guess what Rudy says? You give up? He tells us he doesn't know why she's a fencer, she just likes the sport. Fine, she's a fencer, but why not explain that she's a world champion or something? Instead, they just put that piece of information out there so it isn't retarded when she picks up a sword and starts dueling it out with the big bad. Guess what? It was still retarded.
The kids all want to go to this big rave that is happening on some island in the San Juan's. That's all well and good but the boat has left so they hire a smuggler by the name of Capt. Kirk (yes, really) to get them to the island. An island that his first mate, Salish (Clint Howard), says is haunted.
They get to the island and find everybody is gone from the rave. Well, I would be too if this bad ass rave was sponsored by Sega, had a volleyball net right out of Baywatch and had music being mixed by Bif Naked. Anybody would run the hell out of there. But, they didn't run because of the corporate sponsored rave in the middle of nowhere that's not going to do anything to promote any products. They were all killed by... THE UNDEAD.
This is the plot of the movie. You just can't make this stuff up. I wish I could... but I can't.
So what's the first hint this movie isn't any good? The fact that Clint Howard doesn't seem to be able to act his way out of a paper bag. This is the same Clint Howard who has played bit parts in over one hundred movies. The guy is good, damn good, but the movie makes him out to be a first year theatre student from Kentucky.
I could also go on about how the teenagers are as bad as the ones found in other films like Jeepers Creepers 2 and such. . Basically, it's acting so wooden they should have just cast a bunch of trees.
Let's not forget about the classic scene where one of the buxom beauties at the Sega rave decides to go prancing in the ocean for a swim. She swims out, and I kid you not, we get an homage to the classic scene from the beginning of Jaws. So we're dealing with a great white zombie? I didn't even know zombies could swim.
It's also great for the kids that Capt. Kirk was smuggling high power fire arms from Cuba and was able to get one kind of everything and a crap load of ammo to go with them.
House of the Dead is a bad, bad movie. It is funny, I will give it that. But not in the way it wants to be.
Who allowed this to get made? Who knows. I just hope they make a sequel. Why you ask? Because I'd love to know how they'd make the film worse.
House of the Dead - F
Then they wrote a bunch of teenagers into the plot.
After wicked opening credits, which show fuzzy game footage while a nice beat is playing actually prepares the audience for one hell of a good flick. But the characters speak and all hell breaks loose. They've been written some of the worst dialogue ever which includes this tasty morsel.
Some guy who's name I don't remember (I think it was Rudy?) - "but at the back of my head, something was nibbling".
Hey, she's a fencer!
House of the Dead starts with a poorly written voice over from the main character, Rudy whining about the fact that it's his fault that all his friends are dead. He then introduces us to his friends. There are two guys that look identical, Greg and Simon. Both speak with the same tone, both are idiots. You'd think the screenwriter just split up one part into two so there could be more people to kill.
Then we get the hot chick who is nothing more than hot. There's the black feisty chick who's as tough as nails but as a big thing for Simon.
Also in the mix is Rudy's ex-girlfriend, Alicia,who we're told dumped him so he could spend more time on his studies and she could spend more time fencing. Why is she a fencer? Guess what Rudy says? You give up? He tells us he doesn't know why she's a fencer, she just likes the sport. Fine, she's a fencer, but why not explain that she's a world champion or something? Instead, they just put that piece of information out there so it isn't retarded when she picks up a sword and starts dueling it out with the big bad. Guess what? It was still retarded.
The kids all want to go to this big rave that is happening on some island in the San Juan's. That's all well and good but the boat has left so they hire a smuggler by the name of Capt. Kirk (yes, really) to get them to the island. An island that his first mate, Salish (Clint Howard), says is haunted.
They get to the island and find everybody is gone from the rave. Well, I would be too if this bad ass rave was sponsored by Sega, had a volleyball net right out of Baywatch and had music being mixed by Bif Naked. Anybody would run the hell out of there. But, they didn't run because of the corporate sponsored rave in the middle of nowhere that's not going to do anything to promote any products. They were all killed by... THE UNDEAD.
This is the plot of the movie. You just can't make this stuff up. I wish I could... but I can't.
So what's the first hint this movie isn't any good? The fact that Clint Howard doesn't seem to be able to act his way out of a paper bag. This is the same Clint Howard who has played bit parts in over one hundred movies. The guy is good, damn good, but the movie makes him out to be a first year theatre student from Kentucky.
I could also go on about how the teenagers are as bad as the ones found in other films like Jeepers Creepers 2 and such. . Basically, it's acting so wooden they should have just cast a bunch of trees.
Let's not forget about the classic scene where one of the buxom beauties at the Sega rave decides to go prancing in the ocean for a swim. She swims out, and I kid you not, we get an homage to the classic scene from the beginning of Jaws. So we're dealing with a great white zombie? I didn't even know zombies could swim.
It's also great for the kids that Capt. Kirk was smuggling high power fire arms from Cuba and was able to get one kind of everything and a crap load of ammo to go with them.
House of the Dead is a bad, bad movie. It is funny, I will give it that. But not in the way it wants to be.
Who allowed this to get made? Who knows. I just hope they make a sequel. Why you ask? Because I'd love to know how they'd make the film worse.
House of the Dead - F
