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Some Random Jokes


Secret of Happy Married Life Joke

John asked Billy, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Billy said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

John asked, "Can you explain?"

Billy said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions."

Still not convinced, John asked him, "Give me some examples"

Billy said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

John asked, "Then what is your role?"

Billy said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether the European Union should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these."

After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert Benchley walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"

The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, "I'm not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."

Robert Benchley instantly quipped: "All right then, get me a battleship."

Romantic Evening!!!

Two Women chatting in office.
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep. How was yours ?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: How was your evening ?

Husband 2: Great... I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn't had money left for a cab. We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!!

Moral: Presentation does matter... No matter what the reality is.

Secret of Long Life!

The little boy was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all those chocolates isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

The boy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"

The little boy answered, "No, he minded his own damn business!"

The Goat and The Horse

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.

One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.

Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on... Fantastic! Run, run more!

Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's Cook the goat!!!!

Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal.

A man walks in to a confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I've committed murder."

The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

A women walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

The priest asks her, "What did you do?"

"I robbed six banks."

The priest says, "Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven."

Another man walks in to the confession booth and says, "I have sinned."

"What did you do?" asks the priest.

"I peed in the holy cup."

Two friends met after a long time...

Hey, I got married!

Oh! Thats good!

No, that's bad. She's ugly!

Oh! That's Bad!

No, that's Good. She's rich!

Oh! That's good!

No, that's bad ! She won't give me a cent...

Oh! That's bad!

No, that's Good! She bought me a big house!

Oh! That's good.

No, that's bad! The house burnt down!

Oh! That's bad!

No, that's good! She was inside...!

One Fine Day!

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.

A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.

"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"

The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.

After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"

"She went to the cemetery," he replied.

"And when is she coming back?"

"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"

Rhyming Couplet

A local daily ran a competition around Valentine's Day asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the best enteries:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you messed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
everything you are not.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amazing rhyme?
A bottle of tequila, one part lime !

What is Vicious Circle?

The boss calls his secretary and says, "Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband and says, "Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself."

The husband calls his girlfriend and says, "My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun."

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition, "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his grand father, "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."

Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says, "Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson."

The secretary calls husband, "I won't be going."

The husband calls his girlfriend, "I am sorry My wife is not going."

The girlfriend calls boy, "You have tuition."

Boy calls his grandpa and says, "Sorry grandpa I've classes."

The grandpa calls secretary....

Different Wavelengths

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

The Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

You are ABCDEF...

After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!

Rules for Men!

The untold rules for Men:
1. The female always makes the rules.

2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Where's the Ladies Room?

It was very crowded and noisy in this Restaurant and this blonde girl asks the waiter where the restroom was.

And he says, "I can't hear you!"

So she gets close to his ear and asks again, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is?"

And he replies, "On the other side!"

So she turns around and gets close to his other ear, and asks, "Can you please tell me where the ladies room is, please!"

Boys-Out Trip!

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!"

Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!!

Date with Destiny!

One day death came to a Guy and said, "Hey, today is your last day."

Guy, "But I'm not ready!"

Death said, "Well today your name is the first on my list."

Guy, "Okay then why don't you take a seat and we will drink a COFFEE before we go?"

Death, "All right."

The Guy gave Death some COFFEE with sleeping pills in it. Death finished COFFEE and fell into a deep sleep!!! The Guy took the list & removed his name from top of the list and put at the bottom of the list!!

When Death woke up he said to the Guy, "Because you have been so nice to me now I will start my job from the BOTTOM of the list."

A Little Late!

For thirty years, Officer Johnson had arrived at the police station at 9 AM on the dot ready for duty. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 AM passed without Johnson's arrival in the briefing room, it caused a major sensation. All announcements and patrol assignments ceased and the sergeant himself, looking at his watch and muttering, stormed out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, his uniform dusty and torn, his nametag missing, his face scratched and bruised, his shield bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs. Nearly freakin' killed myself."

And the sergeant said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"