The Joke Thread

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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." - Mitch Hedberg

an elementary school had a plant potting project and chose to plant cactuses. the kids planned to take them home as gifts to their parents. it didn't work out quite as the teacher had expected and they replanted the potters with ivy...............

****i had trouble uploading this, so chris has done it for me down a couple of posts....check it out.
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on dance seul, on dance seul.....

Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the
ducks.

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St.
Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together
and
says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained
to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
man.

The third man has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up
to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on... very tall,
tanned,slim, blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?" The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on
a duck."

Patti asked me to post this.

Attachments

 

I've gotten that one before. HILARIOUS!!

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a
nursing home and the editor of the newspaper told his
photographer to get over there and take their picture.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her
twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"


"HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.


Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" So they
wiggled up close to each other.


Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the
photographer.


Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"


With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?

Heh-heh. Me likey.

(hope it's appropriate - if it ain't, I'll edit it!)

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood-test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss *** Sport round up

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C . Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience
B. The second best part of the experience
C. £50 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern to you
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A Moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends"
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the Intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus.


EVALUATING RESULTS:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!!
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

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Another high quality post by Fez Wizardo

jokes don't have to be PC....i'm laughing fez

This one made me actu-laugh.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door,the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?

"Horrified, she replies: "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!!!"

QUALITY!

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her Thighs.
Mary had another skirt that was split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her....
.well, she didn't wear that one very often

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her knickers all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with the horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dlckhead

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*#k him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's arse
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Mary mary,
Quite contrary,
How does your garden grow??
With wizz and E's and ganga trees
And coke as white as snow

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to get nicely stoned under the moon light

sex and drugs and rock and rave,
lets get mashed and misbehave.
on speed and weed and little E's,
lets get ****ed and talk to trees.
life's a trip and then u die,
so **** em all and lets get high!!!

Eh, methinks you should cut out the last two. Not even all that funny...and pushing it a little.

Yikes, Fez!

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Good times, noodle salad.

tis why I put them in their own editable box

they're 'kin hilarious what you talking about?

I took 'em out. I've laughed at dirty jokes before, but I didn't laugh at those. General rule of thumb: the dirtier a joke is, the funnier it has to be.

Rule of thumb? Intercom was so close to an incident I came across myself it's not even close to being amusing

BLONDE!

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side."

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me".

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes
on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


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OVERWEIGHT BLONDE

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks."

"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the
blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

LOL almost all of these jokes are hilarious!

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Death to Smoochy is my most anticipated movie of 2002.

I see nothing wong with fez's jokes

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i never got my red stapler back

I didn't even say anything against them!