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THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!
I’ve been discussing horror movies lately. A film that frequently surfaces from the mire of these conversations is the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, being that it is one of my favorites. I’m fond of how particularly raw and brutal this piece is.
I remember, when I was a child, being out with my friends (2 brothers) and their mother renting movies. My chums and I headed straight for the horror section. They picked up something like Child’s Play while your unsuspecting author, KevinKelly, had The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in my hot little hands.
We went over to my friends’ mother and handed her our selections. She looked them over… read the information on the backs of the cases and gasped “Oh heavens no! Not THIS one!” indicating my choice. “Monsters and creepy dolls I can deal with because they’re fictional, but crazy-inbred-redneck-serial killers are another thing. I cannot allow my children to view this.”
So my interest was peeked. Some days later I rode my bike to the local video rental shop and selected a copy of Crazy-Inbred-Redneck-Serial Killers Incorporated (a.k.a. Texas Chainsaw Massacre). I got home. I put it in the VCR. I pressed play. Not long after that, I pissed myself. It was good.
‘Why was it so good’ I hear you scream. Well, I’ll tell you. It was VISCERAL. Say that word out loud and slowly…allow the consonants to hiss out of you… focus on what it feels like to have your teeth scrape against your tongue. Mmmmm. Through his lens, the director, Tobe Hooper, aquaints the viewer… that’s you… with Texas: The sun boring into your skull through your eyes. The urine-soaked dust filling your lungs with muscle-memories of what Adam must have felt like being made from dirt. Can you feel the tiresome heat? Can you smell the wasteland? Watch the film. You will. Tobe Hooper also collaborated on the atypical score for the movie. I once heard him speak about his masterpiece after a viewing of it at the Egyptian Theater in Hollywood. Someone asked about the sounds one hears while viewing the movie and how he created them. Mr. Hooper listed several instruments I’d never heard of, and he spoke of the plucking of thick springs and other metallic sounds. What the score reminds me of is what it sounds like when your mind slowly bends…and then breaks: something like wood being snapped in half or screws driving into bone.
Then there was the “acting”. I put that in quotation marks because the craft of acting relies on recalling past experiences to make the actor appear to be having an emotional response to what is currently being performed. This isn’t exactly what happened on the set of TCM. The shoot was fraught with tension and disaster, causing the cast and crew to be on edge. The last day of filming was so intense that … well… let’s just say that not all of the blood nor the madness were fake. Research it yourselves, you lazy bastards. Not for one moment did I disbelieve what any of the characters were going through. It was more like a snuff film than a work of fiction. I was amazed to see some of the headshots of the actors after I had seen the film (particularly the headshot of the actor who portrayed the Hitchhiker). He should have won an academy award (well, he should win an award that actually rewards talent).
So as I said earlier, I’ve been discussing horror films. Inevitably when I bring up the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, someone else compares it to the remake.
When I heard that the nefarious “THEY” were remaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was elated. I imagined the possibilities: The raw terror of a bloated chainsaw-wielding maniac on the ugly terra of Texas…combined with modern special effects?! It could mean a new plateau for Horror Cinema!
Then I saw it.
First of all they turned Leatherface from a sickly obese lard-sack (perhaps a metaphor for his obtuse mental condition?) to a muscle-bound, body builder. In our society, isn’t physical fitness a sign of beauty? Why combine physical beauty with such an ugly character? IRONY? No, this is not American Psycho.
Next they kept the movie set in the 1970’s, yet decided not to dress the victims appropriately. Trucker hats did not come into style until Ashton Kutcher wreaked vile havoc upon mass media.
Lastly, every kill was done just off camera…
How thrilling.
In 1974, Tobe Hooper decided to make the most vulgar, offensive and savage display of fictional horror ever captured on celluloid. However, to avoid an X rating, he made some cuts to his film such as the infamous “hook” scene. When Leatherface hangs boobie-victim #1 on the meathook, there is no shot of the hook entering her back. Yet because the editing is done so well on this movie… the audience believes they see the hook go in.
In 2003, nearly 30 years later, in an age where we watch wars live on television and in a country where violence is as culturally-embraced as Christians-are-confused, a couple of jack-off men in suits decided to milk Tobe Hooper’s creation and make a piss-poor imitation. Yet they wanted to push no limits. They wanted to aggravate no parents. Did they want to scare anybody? Every kill: off camera. Why? I dunno.
So there I am. “I like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. And then somebody says “But what about the new one?” And then I say “What about that piece of tripe?” And then they say “It was waaaay better than the old one, dude!” And then I kill them and make a couch out of their bones which would not frighten anybody born after 1980.
I’ve been discussing horror movies lately. A film that frequently surfaces from the mire of these conversations is the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, being that it is one of my favorites. I’m fond of how particularly raw and brutal this piece is.
I remember, when I was a child, being out with my friends (2 brothers) and their mother renting movies. My chums and I headed straight for the horror section. They picked up something like Child’s Play while your unsuspecting author, KevinKelly, had The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in my hot little hands.
We went over to my friends’ mother and handed her our selections. She looked them over… read the information on the backs of the cases and gasped “Oh heavens no! Not THIS one!” indicating my choice. “Monsters and creepy dolls I can deal with because they’re fictional, but crazy-inbred-redneck-serial killers are another thing. I cannot allow my children to view this.”
So my interest was peeked. Some days later I rode my bike to the local video rental shop and selected a copy of Crazy-Inbred-Redneck-Serial Killers Incorporated (a.k.a. Texas Chainsaw Massacre). I got home. I put it in the VCR. I pressed play. Not long after that, I pissed myself. It was good.
‘Why was it so good’ I hear you scream. Well, I’ll tell you. It was VISCERAL. Say that word out loud and slowly…allow the consonants to hiss out of you… focus on what it feels like to have your teeth scrape against your tongue. Mmmmm. Through his lens, the director, Tobe Hooper, aquaints the viewer… that’s you… with Texas: The sun boring into your skull through your eyes. The urine-soaked dust filling your lungs with muscle-memories of what Adam must have felt like being made from dirt. Can you feel the tiresome heat? Can you smell the wasteland? Watch the film. You will. Tobe Hooper also collaborated on the atypical score for the movie. I once heard him speak about his masterpiece after a viewing of it at the Egyptian Theater in Hollywood. Someone asked about the sounds one hears while viewing the movie and how he created them. Mr. Hooper listed several instruments I’d never heard of, and he spoke of the plucking of thick springs and other metallic sounds. What the score reminds me of is what it sounds like when your mind slowly bends…and then breaks: something like wood being snapped in half or screws driving into bone.
Then there was the “acting”. I put that in quotation marks because the craft of acting relies on recalling past experiences to make the actor appear to be having an emotional response to what is currently being performed. This isn’t exactly what happened on the set of TCM. The shoot was fraught with tension and disaster, causing the cast and crew to be on edge. The last day of filming was so intense that … well… let’s just say that not all of the blood nor the madness were fake. Research it yourselves, you lazy bastards. Not for one moment did I disbelieve what any of the characters were going through. It was more like a snuff film than a work of fiction. I was amazed to see some of the headshots of the actors after I had seen the film (particularly the headshot of the actor who portrayed the Hitchhiker). He should have won an academy award (well, he should win an award that actually rewards talent).
So as I said earlier, I’ve been discussing horror films. Inevitably when I bring up the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, someone else compares it to the remake.
When I heard that the nefarious “THEY” were remaking The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was elated. I imagined the possibilities: The raw terror of a bloated chainsaw-wielding maniac on the ugly terra of Texas…combined with modern special effects?! It could mean a new plateau for Horror Cinema!
Then I saw it.
First of all they turned Leatherface from a sickly obese lard-sack (perhaps a metaphor for his obtuse mental condition?) to a muscle-bound, body builder. In our society, isn’t physical fitness a sign of beauty? Why combine physical beauty with such an ugly character? IRONY? No, this is not American Psycho.
Next they kept the movie set in the 1970’s, yet decided not to dress the victims appropriately. Trucker hats did not come into style until Ashton Kutcher wreaked vile havoc upon mass media.
Lastly, every kill was done just off camera…
How thrilling.
In 1974, Tobe Hooper decided to make the most vulgar, offensive and savage display of fictional horror ever captured on celluloid. However, to avoid an X rating, he made some cuts to his film such as the infamous “hook” scene. When Leatherface hangs boobie-victim #1 on the meathook, there is no shot of the hook entering her back. Yet because the editing is done so well on this movie… the audience believes they see the hook go in.
In 2003, nearly 30 years later, in an age where we watch wars live on television and in a country where violence is as culturally-embraced as Christians-are-confused, a couple of jack-off men in suits decided to milk Tobe Hooper’s creation and make a piss-poor imitation. Yet they wanted to push no limits. They wanted to aggravate no parents. Did they want to scare anybody? Every kill: off camera. Why? I dunno.
So there I am. “I like the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. And then somebody says “But what about the new one?” And then I say “What about that piece of tripe?” And then they say “It was waaaay better than the old one, dude!” And then I kill them and make a couch out of their bones which would not frighten anybody born after 1980.
