Boston?

Hey everybody! I don't come around here much anymore, but I finally started typing an EXTREMELY ROUGH treatment/screenplay for an idea I've been thinking about since September. I feel like I should have a working title so I'll call it Boston for now. Anyway, its located at www.geocities.com/sultanbigpants/s2.htm
Check it out of you're interested, dont if your not. If you have feedback, please give it to me. You can e-mail me at [email protected], post it here or find me on AOLIM I'm- You guessed it, Sultanbigpants. Anyway, I think its good because I want to show it to people. I've never had any real succes in a non-poem/short story medium before but I think I'm starting to get it. Like, I said it's rough. By the way, if you read it. It hasn't been edited at all, and keep in mind the names of The Sirens are in limbo and could be changed, perhaps Bianka to morgan or Alexis to Morgan? I'm working on those especially so if you have ideas... Anyway I'm rambling as usual. Bye.

Hey, welcome back man. I hope you'll stick around a bit. Anyway, thanks for posting the link. I'll check it out a bit later today and let ya' know what I think. Good to see you around here again either way.

Yeah, school's back on so I'm no longer busy

I'm going to FullSail next fall anyway so Its completely pointless for me to keep going.

Will check it out later, too. I'm at work now so can't really do that sorta thing.

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"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work." - Mitch Hedberg

Sultan Bigpants that's a pretty tough baby to read. It's written as if you wrote down every single thing that came into your head and that's not very comfortable for the reader. Once it's shaped out better, it will be better on all counts. I know, I know, you said it was ROUGH! But...

Because of the layout, it was hard to get into the story. First of all, don't describe your characters in such detail in the actual screenplay. For my own stories, I make out character histories similar to yours but I DON'T PUT THEM IN MY SCREENPLAY. If there's anything a director hates it's a screenwriter baby-feeding them their story. You should learn the history (or parts of it) of the characters and their personalities from their dialogue and actions.

Forgive me, but I'm not much of a films about music fan so I was immediately turned off. The screenplay clicked into Almost Famous/ Wayne's World mode almost immediately and though I love those movies, it's the characters and not the setting that I enjoy. This seemed too rock-oriented for my tastes, but that's me. I know there's a market for it.

I've written screenplays before but I've never had the balls to show it to anyone outside of my friends or some immediate family so congrats to you. I'm pretty sure it hurts to read criticisms. It aches me to my very bones to hear complaints about anything I wrote. But I'd still prefer to hear criticisms than endless harping about how great my script is. At least this way I can improve. Hope you have similar thoughts.

Here goes. Stop with the language. Especially in the scene descriptions. It's okay to have swearing in dialogue, though I think you overuse this, but don't put it in the ordinary text. If there is a reason for the swearing then it's useful but I don't think it's necessary in your piece.

As to the names, they're pretty outrageous. I have the same problem with my scripts. I don't want to call everybody John and James but those names are very popular and that's why they're used a lot. Boston, Morton, Caulfield, Lisaveta, Sybil, Bianka, Tori. I've never met one person in my short existence with these names. But maybe you live in a strange neighbourhood.

Again, I might be wrong but does this script come from the heart? Have you actually been in this situation yourself? It's often easier to write about something you know. Where's the emotion going to come from? I don't see these coming anywhere soon.

Sorry to rain on your parade and go all film school-ish on you (which I don't go to, so don't believe a word I say). I'm only trying to help. I think your writing from your posts here and your dialogue in the script isn't bad. I wouldn't have written this post if I didn't think the work had any potential. Some other guy posted his script a few days ago and I refused to post back because it was so awful.

Work on it.

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I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Hope that guy doesn't read this.

Thank you!
I like to get good comments with the bad. I see what you're saying about the presentation but I'm really just piecing together parts right here. I'm so writing from the heart and its not a rock movie. Its early so I don't think where i'm goin is apparent.

I hate boring names. Thats where they come from, a desire for interesting names. I am obsessed with aesthetics and phonetics of words so i think about names constantly. thats my problem with the girls' names. the characters are going to seem to be so cliche in the name department no matter what if I try to be interesting.

Anyway, thanks a lot and keep checking up on it if you'd like. i'm addicted and constantly adding.