My last resuscitation of this thread didn't last very long, but I swear I'm going to stick with it this time!
An Eye for an Eye
(Steve Carver, 1981)
I just watched An Eye for an Eye the other day, yet already I'm forgetting the particulars of the plot. That's more of an indictment against the generic story than the movie itself, however, since this is a fairly solid action/crime flick. It reminds me a bit of the umpteen crime films Charles Bronson starred in during the 70's/80's, only with approximately 450 more roundhouse kicks. Chuck "His Tears Cure Cancer, Too Bad He's Never Cried" Norris plays an undercover cop whose partner is shot, run over, then set on fire in front of him, which of course enrages Chuck "He Can Slam a Revolving Door" Norris into turning in his badge and enacting revenge via fists and feet on countless goons. There's something about a big drug shipment. And a missing tape. And I don't know what else. All that matters is seeing Chuck "He Can Start a Fire by Rubbing Two Ice Cubes Together" Norris whupping ass, which he does well and often. The film is also bolstered by a strong supporting cast featuring Christopher Lee, Mako and Shaft himself, Richard Roundtree. Although the real star of the movie is Norris's laundry-sorting dog, Mort.
Cherry 2000
(Steve De Jarnett, 1987)
Set in 2017, this post-apocalyptic action-adventure/cult favorite/Road Warrior-ripoff revolves around a business executive's treacherous journey into the wastelands to retrieve parts for his out-of-order sex robot: the blond, beautiful, hamburger-making, Pepsi-retrieving Cherry 2000. Aiding him in his quest is the red-haired, gum-chewing, bazooka-shooting, mustang-driving tracker played by Melanie Griffith. Will Mr. Business Executive learn that it's better to love a woman with a brain in her head rather than an electronic chip, even though the two share zero chemistry? If you've ever seen a movie before, you already know the answer. I was enjoying Cherry 2000 in its early stages, with all its 80's-flavored futuristic flourishes, unexplained randomness (seriously, why the f**k is that cat in a water jug?), double entendres and somewhat satirical look at human relationships, which sees Laurence Fishburne play a lawyer helping to draw up contracts involving "oral clauses" for men and woman about to hit the sheets. However, once Melanie Griffith shows up and the film goes all Mad Max, my enjoyment lessened considerably. Despite boasting such a trashy premise, Cherry 2000 is surprisingly tame. Nudity is only shown in silhouette. The violence feels safe. The action is shoddy and kid-friendly. If there was any profanity, I can't recall it. The two lead performances are also incredibly flat, which is made all the more glaring by the colorful supporting characters, like Ben Johnson's Six-Fingered Jake and Tim Thomerson's villainous Lester. I was crossing my fingers that Melanie Griffith's character would turn out to be a robot, too, just to explain her complete inability to emote, but I guess instead she was popping Quaaludes before each take. Oh well. At least Six-Fingered Jake taught me the culinary benefits of cooking a rattlesnake in a toaster oven.
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
(Fred Olen Ray, 1988)
I went to check this off AFI's 100 Years ... 100 Thrills list, but apparently it's not on there. Must be an oversight. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers opens with a disclaimer about how the chainsaws used in the picture are "real and dangerous," while also advising viewers not to try any of the stunts at home, "especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex," so it's immediately clear that the film is in on its own joke, which the hammy performances, ridiculous script and self-aware dialogue further demonstrate as the film moves along during its swift 75-minute run-time. I wish there had been more Hollywood hookers hooking and chainsawing in place of the private dick dicking around and pretending to be Sam Spade. The few scenes of chainsaw mutilation are pretty comical, with crew members obviously standing off-screen throwing buckets of blood and fake body parts at the actresses. Every chick gets naked at some point, and since it's the late 80's, they all look like they just walked off the set of a Motley Crue music video. Leatherface himself, Gunnar Hansen, plays the leader of a chainsaw-worshiping cult, which is genius casting. Scream Queen Linnea Quigley also provides a bit of B-movie star power as a runaway turned stripper turned chainsaw cultist, and in the climax of the film she engages in a chainsaw cat fight, which sounds amazing in theory but is pretty lame in execution. That basically sums up the movie itself, which is only marginally entertaining in a dumb, juvenile sorta way, but never as fun as one would hope based on the title and premise.
An Eye for an Eye
(Steve Carver, 1981)
I just watched An Eye for an Eye the other day, yet already I'm forgetting the particulars of the plot. That's more of an indictment against the generic story than the movie itself, however, since this is a fairly solid action/crime flick. It reminds me a bit of the umpteen crime films Charles Bronson starred in during the 70's/80's, only with approximately 450 more roundhouse kicks. Chuck "His Tears Cure Cancer, Too Bad He's Never Cried" Norris plays an undercover cop whose partner is shot, run over, then set on fire in front of him, which of course enrages Chuck "He Can Slam a Revolving Door" Norris into turning in his badge and enacting revenge via fists and feet on countless goons. There's something about a big drug shipment. And a missing tape. And I don't know what else. All that matters is seeing Chuck "He Can Start a Fire by Rubbing Two Ice Cubes Together" Norris whupping ass, which he does well and often. The film is also bolstered by a strong supporting cast featuring Christopher Lee, Mako and Shaft himself, Richard Roundtree. Although the real star of the movie is Norris's laundry-sorting dog, Mort.
Cherry 2000
(Steve De Jarnett, 1987)
Set in 2017, this post-apocalyptic action-adventure/cult favorite/Road Warrior-ripoff revolves around a business executive's treacherous journey into the wastelands to retrieve parts for his out-of-order sex robot: the blond, beautiful, hamburger-making, Pepsi-retrieving Cherry 2000. Aiding him in his quest is the red-haired, gum-chewing, bazooka-shooting, mustang-driving tracker played by Melanie Griffith. Will Mr. Business Executive learn that it's better to love a woman with a brain in her head rather than an electronic chip, even though the two share zero chemistry? If you've ever seen a movie before, you already know the answer. I was enjoying Cherry 2000 in its early stages, with all its 80's-flavored futuristic flourishes, unexplained randomness (seriously, why the f**k is that cat in a water jug?), double entendres and somewhat satirical look at human relationships, which sees Laurence Fishburne play a lawyer helping to draw up contracts involving "oral clauses" for men and woman about to hit the sheets. However, once Melanie Griffith shows up and the film goes all Mad Max, my enjoyment lessened considerably. Despite boasting such a trashy premise, Cherry 2000 is surprisingly tame. Nudity is only shown in silhouette. The violence feels safe. The action is shoddy and kid-friendly. If there was any profanity, I can't recall it. The two lead performances are also incredibly flat, which is made all the more glaring by the colorful supporting characters, like Ben Johnson's Six-Fingered Jake and Tim Thomerson's villainous Lester. I was crossing my fingers that Melanie Griffith's character would turn out to be a robot, too, just to explain her complete inability to emote, but I guess instead she was popping Quaaludes before each take. Oh well. At least Six-Fingered Jake taught me the culinary benefits of cooking a rattlesnake in a toaster oven.
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
(Fred Olen Ray, 1988)
I went to check this off AFI's 100 Years ... 100 Thrills list, but apparently it's not on there. Must be an oversight. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers opens with a disclaimer about how the chainsaws used in the picture are "real and dangerous," while also advising viewers not to try any of the stunts at home, "especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex," so it's immediately clear that the film is in on its own joke, which the hammy performances, ridiculous script and self-aware dialogue further demonstrate as the film moves along during its swift 75-minute run-time. I wish there had been more Hollywood hookers hooking and chainsawing in place of the private dick dicking around and pretending to be Sam Spade. The few scenes of chainsaw mutilation are pretty comical, with crew members obviously standing off-screen throwing buckets of blood and fake body parts at the actresses. Every chick gets naked at some point, and since it's the late 80's, they all look like they just walked off the set of a Motley Crue music video. Leatherface himself, Gunnar Hansen, plays the leader of a chainsaw-worshiping cult, which is genius casting. Scream Queen Linnea Quigley also provides a bit of B-movie star power as a runaway turned stripper turned chainsaw cultist, and in the climax of the film she engages in a chainsaw cat fight, which sounds amazing in theory but is pretty lame in execution. That basically sums up the movie itself, which is only marginally entertaining in a dumb, juvenile sorta way, but never as fun as one would hope based on the title and premise.
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Last edited by Captain Spaulding; 11-24-17 at 01:23 AM.