Simpsons Quote-O-Rama

MoFo doesn't seem to have a Simpsons quote thread, which I think is just disgraceful. So here it is, coinciding with my Virtual Map of Springfield thread in a dual-sided Simpsons loveathon. Fire away, nerds.


"Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?"

"Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp."

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It's what you learn after you know it all that counts. - John Wooden
My IMDb page

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
- Homer Jay Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is an important lesson to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel."
- Homer

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."
- Homer

"Looks like it's suicide again for me."
- Moe

"But why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?!?"
- Milhouse

"Ow, my freakin' ears!"
- Rod Flanders

"Way to breathe, no-breath."
- Jimbo Jones

"Oh, it can swim."
- Milhouse

"Batman's a scientist."
- Homer

"I'm going to Bovine University!"
- Ralph Wiggum

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."
- Ralph

"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
- Ralph

"I bent my Wookie."
- Ralph

"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!"
- Groundskeeper Willy

"No one who speaks German could be an evil man."
- female Parole Board member in "Cape Feare"

"Dear, Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
- Homer

"You don't win friends with salad."
- Marge Simpson

"Uh, Dad. That's his crotch."
- Lisa Simpson

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work."
- Kent Brockman

"What's a truck?"
- Fat Tony

"The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place."
- Dr. Nick Riviera

"I'm disrespectful to dirt! Can you see I am serious?!?....Get out of my way, all of you! This is no place for loafers! Join me or die! Can you do any less?!?.....For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle."
- Mr. Sparkle

"Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot."
- Hank Serpico

"The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm....now."
- pre-recorded operator in "King-Size Homer"

"How could this happen? We started out like Romeo & Juliet, but it ended up as a tragedy."
- Milhouse

"Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt unless you're on a team. Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I, I can't compete with that stuff."
- Moe

"Here are your messages: 'You have thirty minutes to move your car.' 'You have ten minutes to move your car.' 'Your car has been impounded.' 'Your car has been crushed into a cube.' 'You have thirty minutes to move your cube.'"
- Homer

"Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day, putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order, you're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!"
- Homer

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"Film is a disease. When it infects your bloodstream it takes over as the number one hormone. It bosses the enzymes, directs the pineal gland, plays Iago to your psyche. As with heroin, the antidote to Film is more Film." - Frank Capra

Or are these supposed to be one at a time?


"Sheesh. You're the most paranoid family I've ever been affiliated with."
- Homer

"They gave me a choice: jail, the Army or apologizing to the old lady. Of course, if I had known there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized."
- Seymour Skinner

"Stupid risks are what make life worth living. Now your mother, she's the steady type, and that's fine in small doses. But me, I'm a risk-taker. That's why I have so many adventures."
- Homer

"They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe. Something for church, but also for doctor's appointments, dental checkups, piano recitals, building dedications, visiting elderly relatives, haircuts and shoe shopping."
- Marge

"I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are."
-Marge

"I think I read somehwere that cows like being killed."
- Bart

"What's happening to me? There's still food left, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I ever hated."
- Homer

"Oh, they have the internet on computers now."
- Homer

"You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?"
"I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong."
- Marge & Homer

"I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure."
- Homer

"You know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people every day, but to be hated you don't have to do squat."
- Homer

"I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am."
- Homer

"I don't have to be careful, I got a gun."
- Homer

"This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun."
- Homer

"Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern superanimal, such as the flying squirrel or the electric eel."
- Lenny

"There's no shame in being a pariah."
- Marge

"Just go ahead and sue me! Everybody else does. The average settlement is $68,000."
- Homer

"You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize."
"Fun too"
- Dr. Hibbert & Homer

"They taste like burning."
- Ralph Wiggum

"That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things."
- Ralph Wiggum

"You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?"
- Chief Wiggum

"You know fingerprints are like snowflakes; they're both very pretty."
- Chief Wiggum

"Is it me or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?"
"It's you."
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon & Homer

"We've only got nine, maybe ten years tops, when we can giggle in church and chew with our mouths open and go days without bathing. We'll never have that freedom again."
- Lisa

"Jesus must be spinning in his grave."
- Barney

"Jonah, you died the way you lived: inside a whale."
- Bart

"This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's Paryer forty times, but first, let's pass the collection plate."
- Reverend Lovejoy

"Listen, folks, there's no magic formula. I just followed the three Cs: clean living, chewing thoroughly, and a daily dose of vitamin church!"
- Ned Flanders

"And thank you, God, for the bad things adults do, which distract attention from the stuff I'm doing."
- Bart

"Authorities say the phony Pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth."
- Kent Brockman

"I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson...only with more cursing! We're gonna live like kings! Damn Hell ass kings!"
- Bart

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Let's see you make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy."
- Superintendent Chalmers

"Aaah, there's nobody for Moe. I'm just gonna die lonely and ugly and dead."
- Moe

"You name it, I haven't done it."
- Ned Flanders

"I didn't think this was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows."
- Bart

"My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!"
- Abraham Simpson

"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was a watch commander at Pearl Harbor."
- Abe Simpson

"I'm stuck, and I have to pee.......Now I'm just stuck."
- Homer

"I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it feels like to have a baby."
- Mr. Burns

I've already posted it today, but I'll go again...

Homer - Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Scully - Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer - Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Ralph - (After seeing Bart skateboard nude) I like men now.

Burns: Honestly, Smithers, I don't know why Harvard bothers to show up. They barely even won!

Homer: There, there. Shut up, boy. We'll just get you a new dog.
Bart: But I don't want a new dog! I want Santa's Little Helper!
Homer: Well, crying isn't going to bring him back...unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right. I'll do it. (goes out to find dog)
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Burns: Oh, I can't kill these children. Look at them, standing on their hind legs, just like a couple of little Rory Calhouns.

Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
Homer: D'oh!
Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "D'oh".

Grandpa: Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty." I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.

Hank Scorpio: Hi, Homer! What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex down on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
Hank Scorpio: That's right!

Marge: Homer! Where are you?
Homer: Um, I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again!

Grandpa: Well, we can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One is to tell stories that don't go anywhere! Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what we called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say! Now where was I? Oh yeah! The important thing to remember is that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, 'cause of the war. The only ones you could get were those big yellow ones...

Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling B): I...M...P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I made Bart in my pants!

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Comment is free but facts are sacred