well that's what we've been saying, dude! she left you already (she's out of love with you) but won't admit it because she doesn't really KNOW what she wants. and she doesn't want to look like the meanie and prove anyone right - she cheated, kept a man on the side, but didn't really do right by the man on the side either. out of sheer hubris, she's sticking to you being ridiculous and dramatic.
but her actions SHOW what she wants and how she really feels. just because she refuses to say it and says "stop being ridiculous i TOLD you i care about you" does not mean she loves you madly and wants to be with you. her actions show that.
it's like when her boyfriend sensed she was cheating. there were probably weeks in there when he asked and she went, "don't be ridiculous, i'm not seeing anybody, how dare you!" that's projecting again. that's him being "mean and untrusting" and getting in trouble to help her deflect from the lies she's hiding and pulling so she doesn't get caught. and when he learned about you and probably asked again she said, STOP it, you're so sick and selfish, eq. and i are just FRIENDS.
yeah right. and then the end came. lying about it before hand wont' stop the end from happening. telling you to quit tripping does not mean there isn't a problem. again, the rug thing.
re: her being all pissy and changing her myspace on you, having attitude in her texts - all the things you're actively doing to her recently - waiting to text or call back, not contacting her first, being purposefully distant and letting her know you have other priorities - were things she used to do to you.
she doesn't like that. you didn't either, by the way, but you took it cuz you "loved" her. i'm not doubting you feel you love her, but a person can manipulate you into feeling and doing things until your'e convinced. now you're not so sure. i think you're more struck by how much you puty ourselfout there and how shockedy ou are by how she's handling it - you didn't think her capable ofit.
because you lied to yourself, just like she lied to you and herself. if she convinces you well enough, you believe she's completely unselfish and loves you and is a good well meaning person not lying to you in this situation. so your love grows, you forgive her a lot you'd never forgive anyone else.
put it this way. if your best friend treated you like this, would you take it? what about your coworker? your childhood friend? your sister? your parent?
probably not. you would raise hell unti the sh|t flew, cause a shakedown, and demand repercussions,explanations, and no more bullsh|t.
but because she got into your heart, head, and mind, she's getting away with a whole lotta crap no one else would, could, or should.
and now she's getting cranky thaty ou keep challenging those lies, wondering about her behavior, comparing it to conversations with other people, and what you feel deep down is not making you happy.
and she's getting cranky about those challenges, just like any liar would.
you can simplify it more dramatically - i had to do this withmyself re: my best friend - she's the abuser, your'e the abused. you will make up ANY reason to forgive her for stomping all over your heart as long as youcan keep stringing yourself along with hope that she MIGHT turn around that she's just going through something, that she's not quite herself right now, that she really loves you, and then y ou swing back and quiver thinking, she DOESN"T love you, how ill you go on, oh you're hurting so muchinside, maybe you should call her, this will all be solved if you could just be with her and have her.
but what's SHE doing? she's cranky and annoyed with you and not trying to be or have anything deeper than text messages, occasional phone calls, small talk, and superficiality.
she REFUSES to talk to in depth and resolve things and address both of your feelings and SETTLE the issues and MOVE ON. she thinks she can move on by not doing that. that's impossible. you have to both address your own actions, mistakes, forgive each other, THEN move on. you can't just skip to the moving on. you'll continue to doubtyourself, harbor resentments, and play games - both of you.
the thing is, you shouldn't actively be trying to make her miss you. you shouldn't even be in this limbo at all.
i keep saying that you need to have a specific conversation *about your relationship* to set out a plan and act it out. ie, talk for 1 hour, she says what she wants and feels, you say what you want and feel, and then you take the break, and then you come back and sit down again and say what you both want and feel again. if it's different, and good, you start over. if it's not, you part ways or stay "friends."
in all honesty if it's not improved you'll probably both want to not talk to each other again. why? because space will showy ou both you're not happy with, or meant for, each other right now. you'll be happier being yourself somewhere else. maybe one day you could try, but it's not going to kill you to not be together and it's not the end of a great saga, you are not romeo and juliet, and she has some issues and you both began your relationship on a lie.
yes, you did. that's why you are tryign to hold sifting sand together with your bare hands - it started on a lie, dude.
now, i don't advocate actively trying to make her miss you, btw. that'smean and cruel. that'st he game SHE plays. don't do it back to her. be an adult and mature about it and enforce fairness.
you're sick of wondering, you don't want to have to wonder. if she refuses to talk about it to truly elucidate and resolve things then get some space until you can. it's only fair.you shouldn't HAVE to wonder. you shouldn't have to be overthinking every little thing she does and you do instead of just BEING with her.
also, re: the heroes and not liking each other any more andf alling out of love - feeling like the meanie and her applying guilt to you:
when a relationship goes bad sometmesa person is so caught up intheir own issues that they literally see the other person as the only one at fault. in choosing to avoid to address themselves, too, they are basically staring at an equation that should be:
1 + 1 = 2.
And they are instead seeing:
0 + 1 = should be 2
She's 0 thinking you're the one fighting this equation. the problem is, what does 2 equal? friendship? sex and friendship? love, sex and friendship? She refuses to evaluateit with you, talk about it with you, resolve it withyou, forgive each other, say how she really feels, and talk about how you really feel.
She's 0 but thinks she's 1.
You want her to be 1, and she refuses to be.
Your equation is not adding up. Space and time might convince her, not game playing and pettiness.
If it DOESN"T then there is NO WAY you're going to change her brain. her brain is convinced that she's 1 and behaving like af ully committed, kind, giving, open, fair, just, responsible, reasonable, willing to work on it with you. she's not, right now.
and if that means she stares at you and you're the culprit, the bad attitude,the one rockig the boat, pissing her off, unnerving her, confusing her, making her doubt herself, challenging her, making things hard, you can't change her mind there either.
i've had a few of these kinds of people inmy life, and unfortunately they happened to be family so it was very hard forme to say look, if in your mind im' the evil one, fine.
you don't want to be the evil one, you dont' want to be responsible, you want to keep chasing her and committing and hounding her.
but you can't make her look at you any differently, you can'tmake her believe in you or your relationship, you can't MAKE her do anything.
if she believes you're a piece of sh|t now, or someone that makes her uncomfortable with too many demands, and you feel you demands are perfectly fair and reasonable considering you had a romantic relationship, what are you going to do?
walk away. you can only accept that she has the right to think what she thinks and feels. and since you don't agree, you should NOT be staying ther.e you should say your piece - no, i'm ont whaty ou think i'm trying here andyou're not, and i'm tired of it,and i want space, and i'd like to try later, but i'm taking space NOW.
and leave. but like i saidyou gotta talk about it you can't just not tell her this and play mind games with the cell phone and IM.
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thelo, is a toxic dance. an unhealthy situation.
