The Joke Thread

If the warmth you do desire
Poke your wife and not the fire
If you've lived a sin life
Go out and poke anothers wife
Poke another or poke her own
But for christs sake leave the fire alone.

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"It's a new world. With new enimies. And new threats. But you can still depend on one man...." Goldeneye teaser trailer.


"There's only one airbag in this car......and it's on my side"

Whats the difference between a malord and a sick duck?

one has a cold, but I cant remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

this isn't really a joke, i just thought it was funny....enjoy

Giant Popsicle Melts, Floods NYC Park

NEW YORK - An attempt to raise the world's largest ice pop in a city square ended with a scene straight out of a disaster film — but much stickier.

The 25-foot-tall, 17 1/2-ton treat of frozen Snapple juice melted faster than expected Tuesday, flooding Union Square in downtown Manhattan with kiwi-strawberry-flavored fluid that sent pedestrians scurrying for higher ground.

Firefighters closed off several streets and used hoses to wash away the sugary goo. Some passers-by slipped in the puddles, but no serious injuries were reported.

Snapple had been trying to promote a new line of frozen treats by setting a record for the world's largest ice pop, but called off the stunt before it was pulled fully upright by a construction crane. Officials said they were worried the thing would collapse in the 80-degree, first-day-of-summer heat.

"We planned for this. ... We just didn't expect for it to happen so fast," said Snapple spokeswoman Lauren Radcliffe. She said the company would offer to pay the city for the cleanup costs.

The giant ice pop was supposed to have been able to withstand the heat for some time, and organizers weren't sure why it didn't. It had been made in Edison, N.J., and hauled to New York by freezer truck in the morning.

"My theory is that it was a combination of the heat ... and it may not have been frozen all the way through," Radcliffe said.

She said the company was unlikely to make a second attempt to break the record, set by a 21-foot ice pop in Holland in 1997.

__________________
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.
Buddha

Thank god I'm Irish

thanks for posting nebs....good stuff


Subject: Six Day Cruise


DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.



DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation

this has started to be. I met the

Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and
hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited
me to join him at his
table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a
wonderful time. He is a very
attractive and attentive gentleman.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino ... did OK .. won about $80.
The Captain invited
me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a
luxurious meal
complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to
stay the night but I
declined. I told him there was no way I could be
unfaithful to my husband.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to
the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside.
The Captain saw me and
bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming
gentleman. He again
asked me to visit him for the night and again I
declined. He told me that if
I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink
the ship. I was appalled.



DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."



The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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“The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton

thanks for sharing...that was cute

A new guy walks into town and goes to the bar to drown his sorrows in hard liquor. When he sits down the man next to him turns and strikes up a conversation. The new guy was sad because he had lost all of his money in a foolish bet. The man at the bar offered him another bet which he could not refuse. They traveled upstairs where the bar man said that he would jump out the window, hit the ground, and bounce back up safely. After doing this he said that if the new guy wanted to keep the clothes on his back, he would have to complete the same task. Taking a deep breath, the man leapt out the window and died when he hit the ground. At the time, the bartended stuck his head out the window and yelled, "Superman, stop F***ing with the tourists".

Not exactly a Joke, but funny nevertheless:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickc..._uc/nq20050726

So a seal walks into a club....

__________________

Can't buy me love


>It can buy a House
>But not a Home
>It can buy a Bed
>But not Sleep
>
>It can buy a Clock
>But not Time
>
>It can buy a Book
>But not Knowledge
>
>It can buy a Position
>But not Respect
>
>It can buy Medicine
>But not Health
>
>It can buy Blood
>But not Life
>
>It can buy Sex
>But not Love
>
>Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
>I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
>and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
>
>So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS,
>PERSONAL CHEQUES, CASHIER'S CHEQUES,
>BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.

>PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS WILL BE RETURNED

i love it!!!! thanks for sharing

this is not a joke, but i loved it...

truth is stranger than fiction dept...

3 Wives Greet British Man After Surgery By CASSANDRA VINOGRAD, Associated Press Writer
Thu Aug 11,10:20 PM ET



LONDON - Some people bring flowers. But when Melvyn Reed's three wives showed up to visit him at the hospital, they brought the unexpected end to his years as a bigamist.

British police confirmed Thursday that after Melvyn Reed's marital affairs took a turn for a worse as he recovered from triple bypass surgery — all three of his spouses had turned up at the same time, despite his efforts to stagger their visits.

Media reports say that the wives quickly realized that they were all married to the same man.

The 59-year-old company director from Kettering in central England turned himself in May, telling police he was married to three women at the same time, and confessing to bigamy, illegal in Britain, London's Metropolitan Police said in a statement.

A spokeswoman for the Crown Prosecution Service said Reed was with his attorney when he turned himself in and confessed in Wimbledon, south London.

He pleaded guilty July 19 to two charges of bigamy and was given a four-month suspended sentence and ordered to pay $126 in costs, police said.

It wasn't immediately possible to reach Reed or his three wives. Reed's lawyer, Laurence Grant, also could not immediately be reached for comment.

The Metropolitan Police said Reed married his first wife, Jean Grafton, in 1966, then left her without divorcing her. He went on to marry Denise Harrington in 1998, then married Lyndsey Hutchinson in 2003.

The Metropolitan Police said Harrington and Hutchinson have since sought advice on getting their marriages annulled. But media reports say lawyers have advised the women that their marriages were never valid.

George W. was jogginng one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kids said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and a stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out i saved your ass from drowning."